Friday jokes

[YellowDog]

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:
"Pour some luke warm water over it, dumbass."

Wife texts back:
"Computer completely fucked now, shit for brains."

[MSTRS:Me]

A pregnant women nearing full term goes to the doctor for a check-up.
After an examination the doctor asks "Mrs Anderson do you want the good news or the bad news?"
Clutching her swollen belly she says "The bad news of course, doctor".
The doctor replies "Your baby is a red head".
The lady smiles and falls back into her chair with relief. "That's alright... my husband has red hair. What's the good news?"
"The baby is dead".

[MSTRS:Me]

DEAR ABBY... a couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

DEAR ABBY... what can I do about all the sex, nudity, foul language and violence on My VCR?

DEAR ABBY... I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

DEAR ABBY... I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

DEAR ABBY... I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

DEAR ABBY... our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

DEAR ABBY... I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

DEAR ABBY... my forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

DEAR ABBY... I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

DEAR ABBY... my mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

DEAR ABBY... you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

DEAR ABBY... I've been married for six years and have five kids. No twins. My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes in the morning too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he says that is his hobby.

DEAR ABBY... will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor?

DEAR ABBY... do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.

DEAR ABBY... my mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

DEAR ABBY... I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief petting officer.

DEAR ABBY... this is the second marriage for both of us. And when my husband said "I will" he knew damn well he couldn't.

[YellowDog]

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money..

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[nathanwhite]

A man walks into a pub. He looks up at the Menu and see's

Cheeseburger: $4.00
Hotdog: $1.50
Handjob: $10.00

Under the menu there were three exceptionally attractive blondes. "Can I help you?" one of them asked.

"You sure can" he replied. "I was wondering, are you the one that gives the handjobs?"
"I certainly am" She purred back.

"Well wash your hands, because I want two cheeseburgers."

[Zedder]

Everyone agreed and got on well on Kiwi Biker today.

[Smifffy]

Everyone agreed and got on well on Kiwi Biker today.

Hey asshole! This is the joke thread not the fairy tale thread.

[YellowDog]

A bloke sat in his armchair and shouts to his wife,

"when i die i'm going to leave everything to you, love!"

she shouts back, "you already do you lazy bastard!!"

[Swoop]

My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette's suffering girlfriend for years now. I always wondered what kept them together.

Then I saw the swear jar...

[Swoop]

When James Bond is out of his home country of England, is he known as +44 07?

[Stirts]

Did you know that your 'optic' nerve is connected to your 'anal' nerve?

Don't believe me?

Then pull a hair out of your arse and see if your eyes water.

[c4.]

Did you know that your 'optic' nerve is connected to your 'anal' nerve?

Don't believe me?

Then pull a hair out of your arse and see if your eyes water.

Reminds me of the gay rabbit that went straight because he got sick of pulling hares out of his arse

[Stirts]

Reminds me of the gay rabbit that went straight because he got sick of pulling hares out of his arse

Best magician i ever saw - swallowed a white rabbit and pulled a brown hare out of his arse.


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Aero: now with more bubbles.

Or, in other words, less fucking chocolate.

[Zedder]

Best magician i ever saw - swallowed a white rabbit and pulled a brown hare out of his arse.


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Aero: now with more bubbles.

Or, in other words, less fucking chocolate.

Aero = Laughing at consumers.

Or the rabbit which washed his thing and couldn't do a hare with it.

[yachtie10]

Yesterday I was at my local warehouse buying a large bag of Purina dog
chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out
line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? And so since Im retired and
have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a
dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably
shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that
I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way
that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so it
works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here
that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a
poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.