Friday jokes

[Swoop]

How the Internet was invented.

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

[Swoop]

I don't know why I even bother having a smartphone anymore.

It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline.

[MSTRS:Me]

A well-dressed man went into a bar and ordered a double whiskey. He stood there sipping his drink when another man came up and said "Is that you Pete??" Pete said "My name is Pete, but I don't think I know you". The second man said "You do, it's me, Martin we used to work at the same factory together before it closed down".

Pete said "Now I remember you, but what happened to you? You are in scruffy clothes. We got good redundancy money when we finished. What happened, Martin??" Martin said "I blew it all on cars women and drink. I'm totally broke now, but look at you Pete, all in the best clothes and I've seen your posh car outside. How did you do it??"

Pete said "Well I wanted to make my money work for me. So I thought if you have some money, London is the best place to do that. I bought a three story house. On the first floor there was ordinary sex - just men and woman. On the second floor homo sex you know men shagging men, and on the third floor paedophile sex for them who like shagging children. I must say I made a fortune. Mind you it was hard work... just me, the wife and the kids".

[Swoop]

I've had to start drug testing all of my employees.

Just so I know who I can buy stuff off in the future.

[jimichelle]

goes home every night and headbutts his wife at 730 on the dot!

[Swoop]

I was taking a piss up against the wall last night when a copper tapped me on the shoulder.
"What do you think you are doing?" he asked.

Fuck me, he's not going to pass his Sergeants exam, is he?

[ac3_snow]

I was taking a piss up against the wall last night when a copper tapped me on the shoulder.

"thats against the law" said the copper,

"No, it's against the wall"

[Stirts]

While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be
found in all corners of the world.

And then She smiled and made the earth round.

[crazyhorse]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
Their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Vi gra in
His son's medicine cabinet, he asked
About using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should
Take one Dad; they're very strong
And very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10. A pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to
Try one, and before we leave in the
Morning, I'll put the money
Under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found
$110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told
You each pill was
$10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The
Hundred is from
Grandma!"

[Swoop]

Every workplace is required by law to employ at least one individual who is spectacularly irritating. That's an incontrovertible (made-up) fact.

Whether you're a decorator or a litigator, probably even if you're an alligator, there's someone around to tax your nerves and, through bullying or back-stabbing or micromanaging, drain your will to live.

I have a name for these people, but it's quite long and contains profanities that haven't even been invented yet. Al Bernstein, a Portland, Ore.-based clinical psychologist, has a considerably better name: emotional vampires.

"They are everywhere," Bernstein said.

The good doctor first published "Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry" more than a decade ago. He has an updated version coming out soon and is working on a new book that focuses on workplace vampires, the living dead who haunt our days.

Behind many of these faux-fanged fools, Bernstein said, there is likely some form of personality disorder.

"When we talk, we try and represent what the actual truth is or what's going on inside," he said. "But people with personality disorders are always trying to elicit an effect. They're always thinking, 'What will it take to get you to do what I want you to do?'"

Crafty vampires.

While tales of glamorous bloodsuckers are all the rage, forget everything you've read, as most companies have a policy against splashing annoying co-workers with holy water. To combat office-dwelling emotional vampires, you need to know your enemies.

"You have to know how they act and how to protect yourself from them," Bernstein said. "The whole idea in dealing with emotional vampires is if you just respond emotionally to what they're doing, you're toast."

Here are common workplace vampires:

Antisocial vampires: The simplest and most dangerous kind, they fall into two categories: bullies and con artists. The bullies are always itching for a fight. And Bernstein said the con artists "create an alternate reality, like a stage hypnotist. They're good at figuring out what it is you want to hear; they'll make promises and lure you into doing exactly what they want because they seem so nice."

Histrionic vampires: These are often very peppy and positive, yet unwilling to listen to any form of criticism. "The kind of bosses who think attitude is everything," Bernstein said. "If you complain about anything, you have a bad attitude. They think this is the greatest company in the world and we're No. 1 in everything, and anyone who says different, there's a problem with that person." They gravitate toward people who agree with them and shun those who speak their minds.

Narcissistic vampires: These can be people who never actually accomplish anything, yet are legends in their own minds, or actual superstars who do whatever it takes to accomplish their goals. A quick example would be corporate leaders who make huge cuts in staff while granting themselves big bonuses. "The attitude is, 'It's OK for me to use other people because they're not as important as I am,'" Bernstein said.

Obsessive-compulsive vampires: These are the micromanagers and control freaks who drain us dry. They're driven by fear of making a mistake. The worst thing you can tell them is, "It's not a big deal." To them, everything is a big deal.

Recognize anyone?

Once you identify a workplace vampire, learn how to drive a metaphorical stake through its heart.

"Everything these emotional vampires do follows a pattern," Bernstein said. "For example, when somebody is yelling at you, what they expect is that you'll either fight back or run away. What you need to do is recognize the pattern and step out of it, do the unexpected. Say, 'Give me a minute to stop and think.' It completely breaks the rhythm. To further step out of the pattern, ask questions that require the vampire to stop and think. Ask, 'What would you like me to do?' When you ask someone that, and they have to stop and think, you're a step closer to negotiation. You haven't done what's expected; they can't follow their pattern because you haven't followed it."

With a con artist, you first have to recognize and not buy into their cajoling. Ask yourself, "What does this person actually want from me?" And then make a rational decision whether you want to do the vampire's bidding.

With histrionics, sadly, you must learn to speak their language.

"When you ask a histrionic something, never imply that they're doing anything wrong," Bernstein said. "You want to get them thinking. The only way you can do that is by asking them questions that will lead in the direction you want to go. They've got to discover it for themselves."

Narcissists can never be trusted. Unless you have an agreement in writing, it's unlikely they'll ever do anything to help you unless it benefits them.

Obsessive-compulsive vampires just need lots of care and feeding.

"Do what it takes to reassure them," Bernstein said. "Take notes when they give you their incessant lectures. Give them more progress reports than they could possibly need. That will keep them thinking, 'Oh, he's taking this seriously, I don't need to worry about him. I'll go bother somebody else.'"

The big question I had after my vampire-hunter boot camp was, "Does the battle ever end?"

Sadly, it does not.

"Typically, these people are not going to change," Bernstein said. "All you can do is be aware of what they're like, and never assume they think like you do."

So keep your eyes peeled and your neck protected... and maybe carry a crucifix.

[FJRider]

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals, and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honour and hit your ball a modest 250 yards to the middle of the fairway. Leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about 10 feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!" The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:

Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?

[Swoop]

I fucked this woman last night and finished all over her face: "You dirty bastard" she moaned, "you could have given me some warning."

"Sorry love, I'm a bus driver" I said. "I don't give any indication when I'm pulling out."

[Swoop]

My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right fucking idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.




NEWS.
An Australian businessman has drawn up plans to rebuild an exact copy of The Titanic and hopes for a launch date in 2016.

In related news: Al Qaeda are currently trying to work out how to fly an iceberg.




What do you get if you turn a blonde upside down?
A brunette with bad breath.

[FJRider]

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist .... The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While Doing so he asked her...
'Do you know what I am doing?'

'Yes,' she replied .... 'You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities.'

'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?'
he asked.

'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'

'Correct,' replied the doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked ... 'Do you know what I am doing now?'

'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting syphilis. Which is why I came
here in the first place.'

[Stirts]

A midget goes to the gynecologist and says, "Doc I have an itchy cunt."

The doctor burst out laughing and removed the midgets ugg boots.