Friday jokes

[Swoop]

My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right fucking idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.




This pint of Guinness is not only delicious.....

It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of Guinness.

[Laava]

[YellowDog]

_______________________________________

[YellowDog]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

'Your house!'

:

[crazyhorse]

FIVE OLD LADIES
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.




Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"




So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.




Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back... wide eyed and white as ghosts..

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... twenty-two kilometers an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."

[crazyhorse]

Sisters - Ann, Jan and Fanny.

Once there were 3 sisters - Ann, Jan and Fanny. All 3 had big feet.
Ann was a size 9, Jan was a size 10 and Fanny was a size 13.


Ann and Jan went on a double date.


Amazed, one of the boys said, "God, you two have big feet."

Ann replied, "You think they're big, you should see our Fanny's, they're massive...

[Swoop]

This morning the French people are waking up to a new President.

Meanwhile, Carla Bruni's waking up next to an unemployed French midget.

I give it six months.

[slofox]

A Kiwi Muslim was caught having sex with a sheep today.



He said it was 'is lamb and he could do what he bloody well wanted with it.

[Swoop]

This is a story of a 16 year-old boy from Hampshire, England who won the World's Shortest Essay competition.
He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Harvard for his imagination and humour.... Here's an example of absolute brilliance......


Shortest Essay:

An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:

1) Religion

2) Royalty

3) Physical Disability

4) Racism

5) Homosexuality



The prize-winner wrote:

'My God,' cried the Queen, 'That one-legged nigger is a poof'.

[Swoop]

Scotland where.........

Corned beef: deaf (deef)

Cooncil juice: water

Cooncil curtains: boarded-up windows

Salisbury Crag: heroin (skag)

Shan: unfair (current use)

Dingie: to deliberately ignore someone

Ned: coarse, uncultivated

Numpty: stupid person, idiot

Spraff: to talk at length

Cooncil telly: Freeview TV

Ginger: fizzy drink

Gadgie: bloke, man

"Alright baw bag" is a customary greeting

"Thingy" means absolutely anything
...
"Fuck off" means really

"Moan then" is an invitation to battle

"Hunners" means 1,2 or 3

"12 degrees" means summer

"Ma bit" means your house

"Bawhair" is a recognised unit of measurement

"Where u fae" determines if your getting a dooin or not

"Fuck it" is the solution to all problems

"Ahh ya bastard" means ouch I just hurt myself

"Swear doon" means I promise

"N wit" stands as a valid come back

"Aboot a hunner year ago" means last week

"Hawl u" means I demand your immediate attention

"Ye gem" means want to have sex with me

"Get yer rat oot" is an invitation to sexual intercourse

"Bullet" is an appropriate name for a dog

"How diz naw grab ye" is a valid response

"Patsy cline" is not a singer

"Mad man" means normal person

"Poke" means finger sex

"Here" means excuse me

"Pure" is an adjective for every noun

"Yer maw" is a comeback for anything

Scotland where they speak fluent sarcasm

Scotland where getting mwi is a hobbie

Scotland where u get stabbed for wearing chinos

Scotland where boak means-thats discusting

Scotland where get a fuckin grip means behave

Scotland where geeze that means can I have that

Scotland where Bolt means go away

Scotland where everybudys yer cusin

Scotland where you get the jail even although ye wur only havin a laugh

Scotland where "chappy's" a sport

Scotland where verbal abuse is "banter"

Scotland where anyone younger than u is 12

Scotland where you learn to spark a fag before u can count

Scotland where head is more than just a body part

Scotland where going to the shop before 10 is a mission

Scotland where sexual harassment is considered as flirting

Jakey: an alcoholic, tramp.

[unstuck]

So in Scotland I would be a....Numpty Ned Gadgie. Awesome.

[Swoop]

Eric is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
"That desk is going for $4000," says the shopkeeper.
"$4000 for an old desk? That's outrageous!" exclaims Eric.
"Ah," says the shopkeeper, "but this is a magic desk." He turns to the desk and asks, "Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?"
The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four dollar coins there.
"Wow, that's pretty cool," says Eric. "Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?"
At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop.
"Damn, where did she get all that from?" asks Eric.
The desk's legs slide apart and its drawers fall down.

[Swoop]

I love fucking with the minds of the foreign tech support guys.

"My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."

[Swoop]

As I knocked back drink after drink the concerned barmaid asked, "Are you okay, sir?"

"My son would have been two today..." I sobbed.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she replied. "Do you mind if I ask what happened?"

"He was born a day late," I replied. "Now I've got to go to his stinking birthday party tomorrow instead of going riding with the lads."

[5150]

Turtle walks into the popo station to lay a complaint about being robbed by a gang of snails.
"Did you see what they looked like?" asked the constable.
"No, it all happened so quickly" replied the turtle