Friday jokes

[YellowDog]

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday afternoon."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday afternoon."

[MSTRS:Me]

3 couples go camping. But they only have 2 tents. So they decide to have the women in 1, and the men in the other.
1 bloke wakes in the night and nudges the fella next to him, "I'm going next door to shag me missus. I've got a raging hard-on - biggest I've ever had and I don't want to waste it."
"I'd better come with you then" says his mate "cos that's my cock you've got a hold of".

[Laava]

A Queensland couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'



He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.


The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row..

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'


The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING AT THAT...

[Swoop]

In my spare time I like to dress up as an old fashioned knight, and jump over 20 parked cars on a horse.
I call myself Medieval Knievel.



I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night.
I really need to stop drinking on duty.

[Swoop]

The inventor of the television remote control has died at the age of 96.

Have they tried turning his batteries around and smacking him against the coffee table?

[Stirts]

If you can’t afford a Doctor, go to an airport – you’ll get a free x-ray, and a breast exam.
And; if you mention Al Qaeda, you’ll get a free colonoscopy

[KiWiP]

A magician walks down the street and turns into a bar.

[MSTRS:Me]

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them. Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies". Susie said "I know they do... that's why I hide them in my backpack!"

[Swoop]

To see if people really react badly to Burqa wearers, my wife, who is a journalist, decided to wear one for a week, and gauge the reactions.

On the first day, she was spat on, slapped in the face, threatened with death, and yelled at.
And she hasn't even left the house yet.

[5150]

I took my girlfriend to a pub the other day. While there I got called pedafile and a pervert. Yes, she is 20, and I am 50, but there was no need for the abuse. It totally ruined our 10th anniversary

[5150]

Johnny came from school and told his dad that he got kicked out from school for letting a girl give him a hand job. His father said " Thats a third school you got kicked out of, any more and pretty soon they will not let you work as a teacher

[FJRider]

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained,

"We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesborough, Essex, Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected, as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise!!!

[munster]

A Catholic Priest is badly hurt in a car accident and is rushed to hospital. On the way to Theatre he opens his eyes and asks The Orderly "Am I in heavan"

The Orderly replies "No you sick fuck, we're just taking a short cut through the childrens ward!"

[YellowDog]

Former President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?'

Bush says, 'We're planning WW III.'
The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Cheney says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one beautiful blonde with big tits.'

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits…why? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Cheney turns to Bush and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims

[crazyhorse]

After a busy day he settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap as far as his destination at Winchester , when the chap sitting near him hauled out his mobile and started up:- "Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6..30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc. This was still going on at Wimbledon , when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,
"Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!"