Friday jokes

[Swoop]

I was sitting in the tattoo parlour earlier when a butterfly flew past with a picture of a slag on its wing.

[slofox]

A Lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[Swoop]

*Lord Horatio Nelson ... history brought up to date.*


Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' What gobbledygook is this, for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England" past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled." /

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir.”

Nelson: "In that case ... Kiss me, Hardy."

[MSTRS:Me]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, the paperwork's already done"

[Swoop]

My boss called me today and said, "Where the hell are you?"

I said, "I'm relaxing in the garden with my mate Dave. I'm already on my fourth can of lager."

"I don't fucking believe you!" he shouted.

"Hang on," I said, holding the phone away from me. "Dave, isn't this my fourth can?"

[Swoop]

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of guys saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a pair of sexist gits! I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the blooming thing!





Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in a local village
During the past 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

[Swoop]

Baldrick: "What I want to know, Sir, is, before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used, and now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use, and what I want to know is: how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs."

Blackadder: "Baldrick, do you mean: how did the Euro start?"

Baldrick: "Yes, Sir."

Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France, Belgium, Holland and Germany, and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain, Greece, Ireland, Italy and Portugal. They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises."

Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it, Sir?"

Blackadder: "That's right, Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan."

Baldrick: "What was that then, Sir?"

Blackadder: "It was bollocks."

[<G>]

True or false?

[Swoop]

As I sat down in the pub with my pint, I put my Nokia 3310 on the table in front of me. My mate immediately burst out laughing and put his iPhone next to mine. I gave it a disdainful look.

"Why don't you get a better phone, mate?" he asked.

"I don't need one." I replied. "My phone does everything that I need and it's better than yours."

He burst out laughing again. "Better than mine?" he roared. "Mine has 3G, Wi-Fi, the iMessage service, a best-in-class browser, five megapixel camera, access to the App Store for virtually unlimited customisation plus a built-in iPod for all my music. If yours is better than mine, I'll give you my phone."

"I don't want your phone." I said, "Mine's the best, why would I want a second-best, second-hand phone? I tell you what, though, if I can prove that mine is better than yours, how about you give me the cash equivalent of your phone?"

"You're on!" he crowed. "Show me something with your phone and I'll show you how mine is better."



Casually, I knocked my phone off the table.

[jim.cox]

Have you noticed that it is only with cellphones and laptops that blokes brag "mine's smaller than yours"

[Stirts]

[Swoop]

So they want to make a "United States of Europe" to save the Euro, with Germany in charge.

What a brilliant plan! Why did nobody think of that before?

[Swoop]

I really hope we get an England Germany final in the Euros this year...

Then again, Team USA will probably turn up in the last 5 minutes, tap one in and try and take credit for the whole thing.





What do you call a married female hippo?

Hippopotamussus.

[Stirts]

The Greek have history in this tournament, and Italy are always a threat, but Spain are clearly looking like the favourites at this point.

The award for European's Most Skint Country is going to be really tight this year.





My vagina is starting to look like something out of that movie "Aliens"

It also mostly comes at night, mostly...





People claim to be into recycling, but watch their faces as you rinse out a condom.

[5150]

Why do men do all the thinking and women do all the bithching around and complaining?

Well, men have two heads, and women have two sets of lips, thats why