Friday jokes

[Stirts]

BBC News reckons girls are put off Physics because of the subject content.
This is the proposed revamping of the curriculum in order to be more relevant to the fairer sex:

Thermodynamics : Why the iron gets hot
Centripetal force : Why clothes stick to the washing machine drum
Newton's 3rd Law : If she burns your dinner once more you'll set her on fire

[swtfa]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor?

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee, he won't even taste it.. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

A week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!... Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? .......What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in 'McDonalds' again!

[ellipsis]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met the U.S. President . They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said,

"You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America .."

The President said,

"Well, anything I can do to help you, I will"

The Iranian whispered

"My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."


The President laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back,

"That's because it takes place in the future".

[YellowDog]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly
oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Aye, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Naw, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Aye,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Naw,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

[YellowDog]

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she
took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in
the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this
from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair
remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.


Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.


At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this
under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."


Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."


The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body
lotion for a couple of days."


Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know,
I'm using it on my Schnauzer."



The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a
week."

[Banditbandit]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex..

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

[Stirts]

Lance Armstrong was asked if he had taken drugs to help him win.

"Complete bollocks!" he answered.

Seems he can't tell the truth about anything.

[ellipsis]

. A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for
counselling. The Mullah asks If they have any last questions before
they leave.

The man says, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance
with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding
reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always
dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answers the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the Mullah.

"Woman on Top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! "

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes!"

"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets, with a
bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket
of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No," says the Mullah.

"Why not?" asks the man.

"It could lead to dancing."

[Swoop]

The theme song for the new Bond film Skyfall, is performed by Adele.
This is a rare example of something beginning when the fat lady sings.

[YellowDog]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. I happen to be a highly intelligent and a thoroughly educated bird'.

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Postman.'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch!

[nodrog:Me]

I was watching Jurassic park the other day, when I thought, "Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he's also a shit driver".

[YellowDog]

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you".
She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied: "It's me talking to the beer".

[YellowDog]

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he
tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks
are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup
on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the
skin. When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the
cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would
have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.The barber replied:
"Just bring it back in a day or two like everyone else does".

[Stirts]

That's one small step for man, one giant leap for energy drink marketing.

[MSTRS:Me]

A young Catholic girl went to confession and declared that she was pregnant. He asked "How did this happen, my child?" She said "I think it must be the second coming". The priest, shocked by this reply asked "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?" She replied "Because I swallowed the first one..."