Friday jokes

[crazyhorse]

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan.

Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep and his ...., was sun burnt.

Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot blonde, so he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.

The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast.

After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt.

After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain, so he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk.

He experienced immediate relief....

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk....

With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed,

" SO, THAT'S HOW YOU RELOAD THOSE THINGS"

[Reckless]

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says..........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon . every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush...."



SO SORRY I know there is something wrong with me for sending you this. Just couldnt help it!
The little voices made me do it !!! And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you - I know you did!

[crazyhorse]

Woman in taxi lifts her skirt and says to driver "can i pay you with this?"

The cabbie looks at her pussy and says "fuck me luv, haven't you got anything smaller?"

[one fast tl1ooo]

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Justin says, "Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie."

Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"

[Swoop]

Piracy is killing the music industry.

You try playing the guitar with a hook!

[Stirts]

Two women are chatting in the office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?


Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!


At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?


Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

[Swoop]

A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all of your keys at once.

[one fast tl1ooo]

If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong
(Sometimes known as the 4th law of Thermodynamics).

I have traced Murphy's law back to a Captain Edward A. Murphy, an American engineer at Muroc, California (later named Edwards Air Force Base). In 1949 he was working on a project to test the effects of sudden braking. Time after time his machinery failed, exasperated he said of his technician, 'If there is any way to do it wrong, he'll find it.' John Paul Stapp picked up on Murphy's phrase and used at a press conference.

As with any good idea, Murphy's Law can be adapted and extended.

1st Amendment
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

2nd Amendment
If you realize that there are three possible ways in which something can go wrong, and cover them all, then a fourth, unprepared for way, will miraculously appear out of thin air.

3rd Amendment
When something breaks, the parts damaged are in direct proportion to their value.

4th Amendment
The failure does not appear until the machinery has passed its final inspection.

5th Amendment
When you drop a part, it always rolls into the darkest corner.

Last Amendment to Murphy's law
Any attempt to print out this copy of Murphy's law will crash the computer.

[crazyhorse]

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel

the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.

These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'

the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says,

'you know, i think my girl was dead!'

'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'

'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.' his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'

'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?'

'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... Took my teeth with her!'

[one fast tl1ooo]

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan.

Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep and his , was sun burnt.

Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot blonde, so he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.

The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast.

After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt.

After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain, so he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk.

He experienced immediate relief....

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk....

With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed,

" SO, THAT'S HOW YOU RELOAD THOSE THINGS"

[crazyhorse]

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan.

Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep and his , was sun burnt.

Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot blonde, so he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.

The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast.

After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt.

After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain, so he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk.

He experienced immediate relief....

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk....

With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed,

" SO, THAT'S HOW YOU RELOAD THOSE THINGS"

repost - and on the same page

[one fast tl1ooo]

repost - and on the same page

OOopps my bad..

[crazyhorse]

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he found a cat , but it was dead.

"how did you know the cat was dead?" she asked him

"Cause I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" answered the child innocently

"you did WHAT!!!!" exclaimed the teacher in surprise

"you know," explained the boy "I leaned over and went 'Psssssst!' and it didn't move

[Swoop]

Now, for some football jokes...



England v USA - Kick off 19:30.

USA will turn up at 19:41 and then claim victory.

[Stirts]

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and good with the kids.'

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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up

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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'