Friday jokes

[Swoop]

My wife barely notices the racket all those vuvuzelas make throughout the World Cup matches.

She's used to hearing a tirade of horns every time she pulls out at a fucking roundabout.

[slofox]

THE LOVING HUSBAND

A man had two of the best tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes
along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the
World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the football world and not use it?"

He says, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she
passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to, together, since we got married."

"Oh . . . I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend
or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head . . .

... . . "No. They're all at the funeral."

[crazyhorse]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him.........

[BoristheBiter]

Now, for some football jokes...



England v USA - Kick off 19:30.

USA will turn up at 19:41 and then claim victory.

Funny you should say that.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage...-RSS&ATTR=News

[Swoop]

People wonder why ships are referred to as "she" when the answer's obvious. As soon as they come in to port they head for the buoys, they often reach astonishing weights and density, they make one hell of a noise, a fortune is spent trying to make them look pretty and, without a man at the helm, they become an unpredictable death trap.



My wife called me an annoying cunt the other day.

I almost choked on my vuvuzela.

[crazyhorse]

THE PEARLY GATES!!

40 Aboriginals arrive at the Pearly Gates

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying 'I've got 40 Aboriginals here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over the quota on Abo’s. Go back to the gates and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again 'They're gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the fuckin' gates'.

[Swoop]

A Real Man

A real man is a woman's best friend.

He will never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.


No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.
Never mind.

[crazyhorse]

FINALLY, THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a Good year.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take
your house and car with them

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

AND:

Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?
A : Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

[_Shrek_]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
*****************

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
****************

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
***************

Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
***************



An elderly couple is attending Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[one fast tl1ooo]

A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York City to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked dish.

During the course of the afternoon, the two became extremely friendly. About 6:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.

"That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8 p.m.. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time?"

[crazyhorse]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, anda half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper, and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,

'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

[one fast tl1ooo]

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

[crazyhorse]

A squirrel that runs up woman's leg do not find nuts.

When I was born, I got a choice- A big dick or a good memory. I am not able to remember, what did I choose.

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

My wife is a sex object. Evertime I ask for sex, she objects.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop, unless they are
used together.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

There are three stages to sex in a person's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

Virginity can be cured.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? .

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and She was happy with the
Thing......

Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

Teacher: Use "harassment" in a sentence.
Johnny: Her mouth said 'no', but her ass meant 'yes'.

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Of course you've heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard
disk.

Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives !!!.

[one fast tl1ooo]

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"