Friday jokes

[crazyhorse]

A woman walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes," she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault."
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road," she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man
jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then
he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me."
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he
had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one over each leg."
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman," said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the woman, "He was an New Zealand Cricketer."
"That's very observant," said the Sergeant. "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No," she replied, "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long.

[Swoop]

A SHORT STORY

An Arabic family was considering placing grandfather Abdullah into a nursing home. However, all the Arabic nursing homes were full, so they had to put him in an Australian home. After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to visit grandpa Abdullah.
"How do you like it here" asks the grandson.
"It's Great! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful says grandpa..."
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little bit different from the other residents..."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how respectful they are treating their residents" says Abdullah with a big smile
"There's a musician in here. He's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'The Maestro'.
There is a judge in here. He's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'
There's also a dentist here - 90 years old - and he hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'The Doctor'
As for me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Arab'.

[crazyhorse]

Why I fired my Secretary.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'
I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ......
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there.... On the couch... Naked.

[Swoop]

The other day I came home early from work to find my wife spread out on our bed vigorously awaiting my sexual advances.

The poor girl was so horny for me she never even realised my mate Colin was under the bed looking for a DVD he lent me.

[crazyhorse]

So? An abstract noun is something you can think of, but not touch............

Can anyone give me two examples?

Little Johnny puts up his hand and says "your tits!"

[Stirts]

A Girl was in her bed when she hears TITS AND BOOBS! TITS AND BOOBS! so she gets scared and runs into her parents room and asked to sleep with them.

Then she asked what tits and boobs are.

Her mom replys, "coats and hats dear."

The next day they are having company over and her farther is in the bathroom shaving. He cuts himself and yells, "SHIT!!!"

The girl asked "what does that mean?" and he replys, "shaving cream dear."

Her mother is downstairs cooking a turkey. She burns the turkey and yells, "FUCK!!!"

The girl asks her, "what does that mean?" and she says "cutting the turkey dear."

Then the guests arrive and the girl goes and answers the door and says, "Hi my parents are busy rite now. You can put your tits and boobs on the coat hanger. My dads putting shit on his face and my moms fucking the turkey."

[YellowDog]

I've caught a stray parrot in my garden.

All he says is good morning you ugly cunt!

It's not yours is it?

[crazyhorse]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"




(You'll love this)





God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."

[Stirts]

PERSONAL AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me In Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you .... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

[crazyhorse]

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says,

"Mummy mummy Aunty Shona is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

[sosman]

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and
during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not
know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to
do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You
must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then
gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for
what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and
screamed, "What the fuck you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees."

[sosman]

I was making a breakfast of fried eggs for my husband. Suddenly, my husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' I just stared at him...'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' And he calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving..."

[sosman]

Two Australian businessmen in Sydney
were sitting down for a break, In their soon-to be, new
store.. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I
bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by,
put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out
of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Kiwi walked to the
window, had a peek, and in a Kiwi accent asked 'What are you
selling here?'
One of the men replied sarcastically,
'We're selling arse-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the
Kiwi said, 'You are doing well .. Only two left!'
Australians...God bless them - should not mess with New
Zealanders

[<G>]

Dear Tequila

We had a deal. You were supposed to make me sexier, smarter and a better dancer. But I saw the video, and I think we need to talk.

[kevfromcoro]

The Ferari F1 team have taken advantage of the work for the dole shceme for young Abos.
After seeing a recent documentury. they discovered that they could remove a set of car wheels in 6 secs. when it takes ferari 8 secs with a million bucks worrth of high tech gear.
They put them on a trial period.
During the 1st practice sesion,, not only where they able to change the cars tyres. in under 6 secs
but in under 20 secs. they had resprayed it.rebadged it.. and sold to McLaren.for 2 boxes of lion red. 6 bottles of wine. and a box of KFC.......................