I had a German plumber round the other day to fix my shower.
He accidentally connected the gas supply to the water supply.
I guess old habits die hard.
Cuddling your wife after sex is like staying on the toilet after a dump.
What do you call a pointless race that covers around 2,200 miles throughout France?
I have sleepless nights trying to remember the difference between amnesia and insomnia.
I wonder how people coped before there were estate agents…
Man 1: Would you like to buy my house?
Man 2: Yes.
I’ve just completed The Beatles: Rock Band, and it’s got the most depressing ending ever:
John gets shot, Paul gets divorced, George gets cancer and Ringo lives.
There’s a film on about the Chinese Civil War tonight, but I won’t bother watching it.
I’ve already seen Attack of the Clones.
After spending three years as a pissed up degree student, I decided it was time to give something back.
Traffic cones mostly.
Although Anthony Hopkins is Welsh, he’s never been accused of sheep shagging.
It’s all down to the silence of the lambs.
Here’s a line that always makes me laugh…
…Michael Jackson’s ECG.
It’s always worried me that God forgot to include prohibitions on rape and child abuse in the Ten Commandments.
Then again, it’s never bothered the Catholic Church.
I don’t know if I’m a pirate or a pyromaniac.
I can’t stop burning DVDs.