Friday jokes

**slofox** · 30th September 2011, 14:52

Different source this time...

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**Dodgy_Matt** · 1st October 2011, 12:58

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.

It completely ruined our 10th anniversary.

**blackdog** · 1st October 2011, 13:03

Ain't it the truth.

**george formby** · 2nd October 2011, 10:47

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said
>> 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
>> She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign
>> exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he
>> said.
>> 'Very good!'
>> Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall
>> not perish from the Earth?'
>> Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.
>> 'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more
>> difficult...'
>> Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for
>> your country?'
>> Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F.
>> Kennedy, 1961'.
>> The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of
>> yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about
>> our history than you do.'
>> She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,'
>> 'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.
>> Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'
>> At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
>> The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'
>> Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
>> 1991.'
>> Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
>> Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the
>> teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
>> Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say
>> anything else, I'll kill you.'
>> Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson
>> to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'
>> The teacher fainted.
>> As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh
>> shlt, We're screwed!'
>> Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Australian Rugby team, 2011.'

**Smifffy** · 2nd October 2011, 18:03

A Farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and it's stuck under the tractor still alive....

Shoot it says the farmer, and then bury him...

About 20min later he gets another phone call... Done that, what should i do with his fucking speed camera and bike?!!

**Swoop** · 4th October 2011, 11:07

NEWS: Plane in Australia hits ferris wheel.

Police say the pilot is slowly coming round.

**Stirts** · 4th October 2011, 11:23

How many children with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a light bulb?

Let's go ride our bikes!

**Shadows** · 4th October 2011, 19:13

I was watching TV last night when an advert came on featuring an African baby completely covered in flies!

I phoned the number on the screen straight away to get one!

Looks like it works far better than those sticky strips I normally hang from the ceiling.

**Vacquer0** · 5th October 2011, 01:30

An old Italian gent lived alone in New Jersey .

He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

"Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be Able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa"

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

"Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies Are buried. Love, Vinnie"

At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

"Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie"

**YellowDog** · 5th October 2011, 14:58

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend -

Beautiful

Intelligent

Gentle

Thoughtful

Innocent

Trustworthy

Sensible

Or in other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S.