Friday jokes

**nathanwhite** · 26th October 2012, 07:54

Upon watching my week old son cry for food I think I figured out why humans kiss they way we do. As the baby boy cries he begins working his mouth in an opening and closing motion, not all the way closed, just part of the way. His tongue hangs part of the way out and slowly moves into his mouth and back out, looking to latch onto my wife’s breast. He doesn’t open his eyes looking for the breast as one might think, instead they are squeezed shut. Additionally, a newborn will move their hands up to their mouth and grasp their face. These signals are common as it is a sign that the baby would like to feed.

If you stop and think about the motions we go through while kissing, the process is similar. We move toward our beloved and reach up to place a hand on his/her cheek. Instead of looking longingly into our lover’s eyes, many people close their eyes. As our lips touch we work the kiss, moving our mouth slightly open and close and allow our tongues to enter the intimate ballet. In so many ways his search for food and a human kiss are almost identical.

While my wife prepared to receive the squalling kid, I came to this stunning realization. Subconsciously, while we are more than happy to go through the motions of kissing, all we really want is a face full of booby.

**Stirts** · 26th October 2012, 10:09

When a girl gives a boy the finger it means fuck off.

When a boy gives a girl the finger it means third base.

__________________________________________________ _____________

Just lost my job at Staples for thumping a lady in the vagina..

Not the kind of hole-punch she was after, apparently.

**MSTRS:Me** · 26th October 2012, 13:27

I went to the doctor's office the other day at my wife's request and found our new family doctor is a young female. I was embarrassed, but she said "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out".
I said "My wife thinks my penis tastes funny".

**MSTRS:Me** · 26th October 2012, 13:28

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

**Swoop** · 26th October 2012, 13:46

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

**Maha** · 26th October 2012, 14:16

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way.
we cannoli do so much
his legacy will become a pizza history.
here today, gone tomato

How sad that he ran out of thyme.
Sending olive my prayers to the family.
His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it.
You never sausage a tragic thing

**Subike** · 27th October 2012, 07:15

Top reasons why SOME bikers don’t wave back…

Top Reasons Why Harley Riders Don’t Wave Back

8- Raising the arm could be considered a form of exercise.
7- They’re afraid it will void the warranty.
6- Leather and studs make it too heavy to raise their arms.
5- They refuse to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for.
4- They are afraid to let go of handlebars because they might vibrate off.
3- Rushing wind might blow the scabs off their new tattoos.
2- They can’t tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else.
1- They’re too tired from the hours spent polishing all that chrome.

Top Reasons Why GOLD Wing Riders Don’t Wave Back

7- They couldn’t find the “auto wave back” button on the dashboard
6- They are afraid they might get frostbite if they remove their hands from the heated grips.
5- They have arthritis.
4- The reflection from the etched windshield has momentarily blinded them.
3- They were asleep when you waved.
2- They were distracted by the odd shaped blip on the radar screen.
1- They were simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature and satellite navigation system.

Top Reasons Why Sportbikers Don’t Wave Back

7- They have not been riding long enough to know they are supposed to.
6- They’re going too fast to have enough time to register the movement and respond.
5- They didn’t notice you, you weren’t wearing bright enough gear.
4- If they stick their arm going that fast they’ll rip it out of the socket.
3- Their skin tight-kevlar-ballistic-nylon-kangaroo-leather suits prevent any other position than fetal.
2- Raising an arm allows bugs into the armholes of their tank tops.
1- It’s to hard to do one handed stoppies.

Top Reasons Why BMW Riders Don’t Wave Back

5- Their new Aerostich suits are too stiff to raise their arms.
4- Removing a hand from the bars is considered “bad form”.
3- They are too busy programming the GPS, monitoring radar, listening to their ipod or talking on cell phone.
2- The wires from the Gerbings are too short.
1- You haven’t been properly introduced

**_Shrek_** · 27th October 2012, 11:22

Originally Posted by Subike

Top reason why SOME bikers don’t wave back…

this would be more like it "to far up themselves"

**nadroj** · 27th October 2012, 13:30

Originally Posted by _Shrek_

this would be more like it "to far up themselves"

It's not as far to go for some

**Swoop** · 30th October 2012, 07:33

After winning the lottery, my sister in law asked me if there was anything I wanted from her:

"I've always fancied a motorboat" I said, with a wink.

No such luck though, the bitch bought me a motorboat.

**Stirts** · 30th October 2012, 10:32

Snooki is a lot like Hurricane Sandy.

They're both heading to The Jersey Shore with intentions to blow everyone within a 50 mile radius.

**Stirts** · 30th October 2012, 12:19

A man is walking behind his wife and says,
"Baby you are so fat now your bum looks like a washing machine."
The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.

Bed time, the man is asking for sex.
The woman says,
"I can't start the washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to hand wash it!"