Friday jokes

[Juniper]

I work for the worlds largest nanotechnology company

We aren't very good.

[ellipsis]

Mohammad's first day at school
Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."
Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Australia and now my name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin?” she asked.
"Well miss, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

[Swoop]

As Headmaster of a Catholic primary school, the first thing I have to do in the morning is read the register.

In case any teachers have been put on it overnight.

[Stirts]

Twerking and Selfie have been added to the dictionary. Future and Optimism have been removed.

[roogazza]

[Juniper]

Once upon a time, there was a kingdom of living, walking, talking flowers. The King, a hearty perennial, was married to a delicate but chilly lily of a Queen. At a court orgy, he happened upon a lusty young rose who did things to his stamen that his Queen hadn't for years. He grew quite attached to her skills, as well as the smooth green of her leaves and stem and the fullness of her blossom. However, she didn't seem to have any interests besides the carnal ones. Being a flower of refinement and education, the King tried his best to educate the rose.

Mathematicians, philosophers, poets, musicians...professionals in a smorgasbord of the arts and sciences paraded through the castle, each one trying to engage the rose's interest. All of them failing. None of them could keep her attention long enough for her to learn anything worthwhile.

Eventually, the King grew disheartened, and even the rose's delightful skills at orgy weren't as satisfying as they once were, due to her unfulfilled potential. So, a dose of weed killer was slipped into the rose's wine, and she promptly withered and died.

The moral of the story?
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

[Juniper]

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

Lady, the attendant said, Indians ride bareback.

[Scuba_Steve]

A guy was new in New York & decided to visit his local bar after work. While there he spotted the most beautiful women he had ever laid eyes on sitting alone in the corner, now being so beautiful he was to intimidated to approach & so just sat at the bar drinking his drink & admiring the lady from afar.

This went on for a week, each night he would visit the local bar for a drink & each night this beautiful women would be sitting alone in the corner. Eventually he got up the nerve to ask the bar tender "that lady over there, she's here every night alone do you know does she have a man or anything?"
To which the bar tender replied "na that's the local prostitute, but be careful she costs!"

Finding this new info out & with her being the most beautiful women he had ever seen he decided to take his chances & go for it.
He approached & enquired about her services she then proceed to respond "honey if you have to ask you cannot afford me, for example a handjob will cost you 2000$ but it'll be the best handjob you ever had"
Now obviously the man was a bit taken back by this & responded with a "what! you can't be serious?"
She points out the window to a brand new Ferrari 599 "see that Ferrari? I paid cash for that Ferrari with money I made only from handjobs, they're that good"

At this point the guy is calling bullshit, but the women is just so beautiful he cannot resist even if it is just a handjob so he decides to go for it & hires her for the night.
Well that night he has the most amazing handjob he has ever had in-fact even better than any fuck he has ever had.

The next night he eagerly waits at the bar for the women to show again, with a handjob that good he can't wait to try the other offerings. The women walks in, sits in her usual spot & he immediately approaches her

"last night was amazing! what's it gonna cost for a blowjob?"
She responds with "10,000$ but if you thought the handjob was amazing you aint had nothing yet"
he's obviously stunned by the price at this stage & whimpers a "really!?"
She proceeds to point out the window & one of the biggest flashiest apartment blocks in New York "you see that apartment block, I brought that with only cash made from blowjobs"
The man thinks for a minute but decides YOLO, with the handjob being the most amazing sex he'd ever had the blowjob could only be better so decides just to go for it.

That night was far better than the last, in-fact last night was a distant memory now there was no compression the blowjob was mind blowing, the best night of his life EVER!

Understandably the next night again he was waiting at the bar in anticipation for her to show again this time he was going the whole way regardless of cost, this women was amazing!

She walks in & before she can get to her seat the man approaches & says "I just can't resist, I have to go the whole way. How much?" He braced himself for the answer.
She led him outside & pointed towards Manhattan Island "you see that Island over there"
the guy sits in shock "no fucking way! really?"
"yep" she replies "if I were really a women I'd own that Island"

[Swoop]

A blonde woman goes to the hospital.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Equador in my vagina."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear,
they're the stickers off the bananas"

[Banditbandit]

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment. All of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'


Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.'

[Swoop]

I was stood at the Auckland airport International Arrivals gate holding up my sign, when security approached and asked me to leave.

"Why am I being singled out?" I asked, motioning to the other people waiting there.

"Why? Because none of them have a sign saying 'Fuck off back to your own country'. That's why."

[unstuck]

I was stood at the Auckland airport International Arrivals gate holding up my sign, when security approached and asked me to leave.

"Why am I being singled out?" I asked, motioning to the other people waiting there.

"Why? Because none of them have a sign saying 'Fuck off back to your own country'. That's why."

Must spread.

[Swoop]

Must spread.

I'll write the sign in arabic and chinese next time, so the rent-a-cop won't know what's going on!

[nallac]

Must spread.

I hope you mean Rep..... not some thing else.....

[wysper]

A well-known professional gentleman was invited to deliver an after-dinner talk at a formal banquet attended by a gathering of pipers and their wives. He was famous for taking too much drink and sometimes descending into the risque; on this occasion he was swaying and glassy eyed when he stared for a while at the diners and announced he would put to them a riddle.

"What's round and soft and surrounded by hair and gets wet when you poke it?" He demanded.

There was an embarassed silence as people exchanged horrified glances.

He repeated the question, then said, "You don't know, do you? Well, I'll TELL you. It's a ..." and here he uttered a word which cannot be used in a polite forum such as this; suffice it to say that amid the shocked gasps the Head of the Table beckoned to the Headwaiter who came with two of his team and briskly led the offending speaker to the front door, gave him his hat and coat, and shut the door behind him.

He stood swaying there for a moment, then his Rolls purred up to the kerb and his chauffeur jumped out and opened the car door. As he stumbled to get in, the chauffeur observed "I see you made a mess of the eyeball joke again, sir."