Friday jokes

[anebv8]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

[anebv8]

Two Eskimos are walking across the ice and see something dark in their path.
First Eskimo says to the second, "Looks like dog chit."
First Says "Pick it up".
Second Eskimo says Eh?
First says "pick it up!"
Second says "Feels like dog chit.
First says "smell."
Second "eh?"
First, "SMELL."
Second, "smells like dog chit."
First, "taste."
second Eskimo, "EH?"
first says "TASTE!"
Second, "Tastes like dog chit."
First says,"Huh...must be dog chit. Good thing we did'nt step in it!"

[roogazza]

[roogazza]

xxx

[Tazz]

[unstuck]

[gjm]

My mate got badly hurt when he was hit with a rhythm stick.

I told him to contact ACC and make a personal Ian Dury claim. He said it would be a reason to be cheerful.

[Laava]

My mate got badly hurt when he was hit with a rhythm stick.

I told him to contact ACC and make a personal Ian Dury claim. He said it would be a reason to be cheerful.

There aint half been some clever bastards!

[husaberg]

...........

[gjm]

A murder at the World Origiami Championships was covered in 3D on Sky pay per view. Rumours that a fight started after paper ran out and the organisers suggested using cotton instead are a fabrication.

More news as events unfold.

[nadroj]

The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."
The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed.
The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!"
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes.
He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window.
The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed.
The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentleman and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

[Swoop]

It's been another bad week! I've just been banned from my local library. I only moved these books:

Jimmy Savile's autobiography to the children's section.

Mein Kampf to the comedy section.

The Bible to the fantasy section.

The Koran to crime, and

Fifty Shades of Grey to the education section.

[caspernz]

It's been another bad week! I've just been banned from my local library. I only moved these books:

Jimmy Savile's autobiography to the children's section.

Mein Kampf to the comedy section.

The Bible to the fantasy section.

The Koran to crime, and

Fifty Shades of Grey to the education section.

Those actions seem entirely appropriate to my way of thinking...

[haydes55]

Cassina

10chars

[caseye]

Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Granddads’ is?


5 year old granddaughter is taken to school daily by her grandfather.When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild. That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!!"What made it different?" asked her parents:



"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head, foreign prick or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!'