Friday jokes

[Swoop]

Nine medical tests you can do yourself.

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbour’s fence (again).

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.
If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.
If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, you are dehydrated.
If your stream didn’t reach the fence, you have a prostrate problem.
If it is bright pink you have kidney problems.
If you forgot to get your knob out and you pissed your pants, you have Alzheimer’s.
If you missed the fence you have Parkinson’s.
If your stream smells meaty, your cholesterol level is far too high.
If you can’t smell your urine, you have Coronavirus.

[roogazza]

Watch for those white vans over the long weekend.....

[husaberg]

The national party's election result last week.

[roogazza]

xxxx

[Swoop]

Apparently, if you can taste paper or cardboard you have the dreaded Covid-19.

Well, I must apologise to my wife for all the insults of her rather bland cooking, it seems I've had this virus for forty three years.

[YellowDog]

For English Language Lovers:

[Piper]

An atheist was seated
next to a little girl on an
airplane and he turned to
her and said,
"Do you want to talk?"
Flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation
with your fellow
passenger. "
The little girl, who had
just started to read her
book, replied to the total
stranger.
" What would you want to
talk about? "
" Oh, I don't know," said
The atheist. "How about
why there is no God, or no
Heaven or Hell, or no life
after death?" as he smiled
smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those
could be interesting topics
but let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a
cow, and a deer all eat the
same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer
excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out
a flat patty, but a horse
produces clumps. Why do
you suppose that is? "
The atheist, visibly
surprised by the little girl's
intelligence thinks about
it and says.
" Hmmm, I have no idea. "
To which the little girl
replies,
" Do you really feel
qualified to discuss God,
Heaven and Hell, or life
after death, when you
don't know shit?"
And then she went back to
reading her book.

[Swoop]

How could someone snort so much coke and be such a fat cunt?

[Piper]

Tiger Woods drives his BMW
into a petrol station in a
remote part of Ireland.
Paddy, who knows nothing
about golf, says, "Top o the
mornin to Yer sir!"
Tiger nods and bends to pick
up the nozzle. As he does so,
2 tees fall out of his shirt
pocket.
"What are those?" asks
Paddy.
"They’re called tees. They're
for resting my balls on when
I'm driving."
"Fuck me" says Paddy "BMW
think of everything!"

[YellowDog]

________________________________

[YellowDog]

__________________________________________

[Swoop]

Just saw the headline: 'Woman beats off rapist' and I thought... "That seems like a reasonable compromise."

[Swoop]

I’ve been swapping labels around on the wife’s spice jars. She may not know anything about it yet but, mark my words — the thyme is cumin.

[Piper]

What a morning..... 8.00
I made a snowman.
8.10 A Feminist passed
by and asked me
why I didn't make a
snow woman. 8.15 I
made a snow woman. 8.17
The nanny of the neighbours
complained about the
voluptuous chest on the
snow woman.
8.20 The gay couple living
across the street complained
that it could have been two
snowmen instead.
8.25 The neighbours on the
left, who are vegans, complained
that the orange nose, a carrot,this
needs to be something else
because food is for eating
and not to decorate a snowman
and women with .
8.28 i am being called a racist
because the Snow couple is white.
8.31 The husband of Fatima wants
the Snow woman to wear
a headscarf.
8.40 The police arrives to see
what's going on. 8.42 I am
told that the broomstick of
the Snowman needs to be
removed because this could be
being used as a striking weapon.
8.50 The salafi jihadist militant
group Islamic state made itself
known as the Snowman.
8.52 my phone is being seized
and thoroughly checked while
I'm being blindfolded and flown
to the police station in a helicopter.
9.00 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
Done with this!!
I will never make a snowman, snow woman
or snow whatever again.
It's too dangerous!!
I wish everybody a
Merry Christmas and a
Happy New year.

[YellowDog]

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