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Thread: Friday jokes

  1. #5131
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    You'd never go hungry with Nigella Gaz.
    If it weren't for flashbacks...I'd have no memory at all..

  2. #5132
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    1st November 2005 - 08:18
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    I saw this faggot wearing a wig and asked him, "Oi, Tranny boy, what do you "identify" as ?"

    "A judge," he replied, as my trial got off to an abysmal start...
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  3. #5133
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    6,000 people have signed a petition calling for Jeff Bezos to be DENIED re-entry to Earth after he launches into space next month.

    Stuck in a metal box, pissing in a bottle, forever - just like his employees...
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  4. #5134
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    I met my wife at the zoo.

    The moment I saw her there, dressed head to toe in khaki and covered in animal shit, I knew she was a keeper.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  5. #5135
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    Police are still hunting a spectator who caused a massive pile up at the 2021 Tour De Farce.

    Heroes don't always wear capes.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  6. #5136
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    I came home earlier and heard the wife's voice from the kitchen.
    "Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
    Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,
    Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting,
    Lizard's leg, and howlet's wing."

    This can only mean one thing. She's been down that fucking Chinese supermarket again.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  7. #5137
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    To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

    Have you ever considered being more interesting?
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  8. #5138
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    The only thing Flat Earthers fear, is sphere itself!
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  9. #5139
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    13th April 2007 - 17:09
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    Quote Originally Posted by Swoop View Post
    The only thing Flat Earthers fear, is sphere itself!
    ____________________________________________
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  10. #5140
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    The Tokyo Olympics should be abandoned because drug abuse is rife. It became immediately obvious at the opening ceremony, when the athletes started waving to the crowd in an empty stadium.


    I watched the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games with a group of mates and we decided to drink a small glass of sake every time we heard the word 'diversity' mentioned. When I regained consciousness this morning, I discovered that three of my friends had died of alcohol poisoning.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  11. #5141
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    Quote Originally Posted by Swoop View Post
    The Tokyo Olympics should be abandoned because drug abuse is rife. It became immediately obvious at the opening ceremony, when the athletes started waving to the crowd in an empty stadium.


    I watched the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games with a group of mates and we decided to drink a small glass of sake every time we heard the word 'diversity' mentioned. When I regained consciousness this morning, I discovered that three of my friends had died of alcohol poisoning.
    That's very funny. It's ashame they had to throw out the Hulocaust fellow and the sexist senior executives. Surely including them would have been a plus on the diversity front

  12. #5142
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    The head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologised to officials on behalf of their team, after realising shooting and sailing were two separate events.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  13. #5143
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  14. #5144
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    17th August 2005 - 11:00
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    This review is from Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml)

    After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

    I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

    At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

    Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.

    Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

    Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.

    This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

    Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ".

    Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect......
    On a Motorcycle you're penetrating distance, right along with the machine!! In a car you're just a spectator, the windshields like a TV!!

    'Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out! Shouting, ' Holy sh!t... What a Ride!! '

  15. #5145
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    How can we expect Afghanis to fight for themselves?

    When they can't tell the difference between an aeroplane and a train.






    I saw a gorgeous blonde fall off her bike, so I went and made sure she was alright.

    I couldn't believe it when she said, "I could marry you."

    I mean, you help someone and then they threaten to ruin your life!
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

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