Page 4 of 335 FirstFirst ... 234561454104 ... LastLast
Results 46 to 60 of 5019

Thread: Friday jokes

  1. #46
    Join Date
    7th November 2008 - 13:30
    Bike
    2007 GSX1000R
    Location
    Hastings
    Posts
    2,141

    The ugly frog

    An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched.
    None
    of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

    He whispered, I'M SO LONELY, TOO . BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON 'T EVER BE SORRY.

    The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her KISS ME AND YOU WON 'T BE SORRY!

    So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

    IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.

    THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.

    SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN
    YOU
    GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?


    COME ON GUESS!



    *

    *

    *

    *

    *

    *


    SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!

    She's old..... NOT DEAD!!!


    OLD LADIES ROCK

  2. #47
    Join Date
    7th November 2008 - 13:30
    Bike
    2007 GSX1000R
    Location
    Hastings
    Posts
    2,141
    Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients

    and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much

    he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt

    and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

    But every now and then he'd hear an internal

    reassuring voice in his head that said:

    "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first

    medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
    patients and you won't be the last.

    And you're single. Just let it go."

    But invariably another voice in his head

    would bring him back to reality.

    Whispering......
    Dave............


    Dave .............


    Dave........


    Dave........


    .......... you're a vet.

  3. #48
    Join Date
    20th April 2009 - 11:13
    Bike
    15th Anniversary Speedtriple
    Location
    Tuakau
    Posts
    231
    A husband and wife were driving in the car in silence following a huge argument. As they drive through the country side, they pass a paddock full of pigs.

    The husband turns and looks at his wife and says, "Relatives of yours are they?" pointing to the pigs.

    "Yes", the wife replies. "In-laws".
    Speeding Safely!

  4. #49
    Join Date
    9th January 2005 - 22:12
    Bike
    Street Triple R
    Location
    christchurch
    Posts
    7,760




    [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0L1hD5OlPtw[/youtube]

    power rangers dance to "Little Green Bag"
    In the white room, with black curtains, at the station

  5. #50
    Join Date
    25th March 2007 - 12:04
    Bike
    SPEED TRIPLE
    Location
    LA LA LAND
    Posts
    1,366
    It's not Friday yet people!!!
    No body move... I dropped my brain

  6. #51
    Join Date
    7th November 2008 - 13:30
    Bike
    2007 GSX1000R
    Location
    Hastings
    Posts
    2,141
    Quote Originally Posted by Stirts View Post
    It's not Friday yet people!!!
    no its not, but only 7 hours and 20 minutes to go......

  7. #52
    Join Date
    25th March 2007 - 12:04
    Bike
    SPEED TRIPLE
    Location
    LA LA LAND
    Posts
    1,366
    Quote Originally Posted by crazyhorse View Post
    no its not, but only 7 hours and 20 minutes to go......
    Well in 7 hours and 17 minutes you can post in this thread Fecking tease!!
    No body move... I dropped my brain

  8. #53
    Join Date
    7th November 2008 - 13:30
    Bike
    2007 GSX1000R
    Location
    Hastings
    Posts
    2,141
    Quote Originally Posted by Stirts View Post
    Well in 7 hours and 17 minutes you can post in this thread Fecking tease!!
    Ok, but just to keep things going, heres another one

    Boy walks in on dad fucking mum.
    Dad winks and keeps going.
    Next day, dad walks in on boy fucking grandma.
    The boy winks and says
    "not so funny when its your mum aye!"

  9. #54
    Join Date
    1st March 2007 - 11:30
    Bike
    2014 R1200 GS, 2007 DR 650
    Location
    Whakatane
    Posts
    1,467
    A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in a bid to spice up her sex life...
    She puts them on with a short skirt and sits on the lounge settee opposite her husband..
    At strategic moments she crosses her legs till she gets her husbands attention....
    "Are you wearing crotchless knickers" he asks....
    "Y-e-s " she answers with a seductive smile...
    "Thank Christ for that " he says "I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa"................
    I may not be as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I always was.

  10. #55
    Join Date
    1st November 2005 - 08:18
    Bike
    F-117.
    Location
    Banana Republic of NZ
    Posts
    7,021
    I've written the funniest joke ever about Bono's death. The only problem is that it makes no sense at the moment because the cunt is still alive.

    I'm quite prepared to bide my time for a few decades until his life comes to a natural end, but if anyone wants to hear the joke now, and it really is the funniest joke ever, you know what you have to do....




    A bloke and a woman are in a car in the middle of nowhere. Just as they are about to have sex, the woman says "look, I'm a prostitute, and it's going to cost you $50-". Reluctantly, the guy pays. After the sex, the guy just sits, smoking a cigartette. The prostitute asks, "why aren't you driving"? The guy says, "I forgot to tell you, I'm a taxi driver, and it's going to cost you $90- to get back into town".
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  11. #56
    Join Date
    7th November 2008 - 13:30
    Bike
    2007 GSX1000R
    Location
    Hastings
    Posts
    2,141

    Holy bath night

    It was time for Father John's
    Saturday night bath and the
    Young nun, Sister Magdalene,
    Had prepared the bath water
    And towels just the way the
    Old nun had instructed.

    Sister Magdalene was also
    Instructed not to look at Father
    John's nakedness if she could
    Help it, do whatever he told her
    To do, and pray.

    The next morning the old nun
    Asked Sister Magdalene how the
    Saturday night bath had gone.

    'Oh, sister,' said the young nun�
    Dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
    'Saved? And how did that come
    About?' asked the old nun.
    'Well, when Father John was
    Soaking in the tub, he asked me
    To wash him, and while I was
    Washing him he guided my hand
    Down between his legs where he
    Said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
    'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
    Sister Magdalene continued,
    'And Father John said that if the Key
    To Heaven fit my lock, the portals
    Of Heaven would be opened to me
    And I would be assured salvation
    And eternal peace. And then Father
    John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'
    'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
    'At first it hurt terribly, but Father
    John said the pathway to salvation
    Was often painful and that the glory
    Of God would soon swell my heart
    With ecstasy. And it did, it felt so
    Good being saved.'
    'That wicked old bastard, said the
    Old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn,
    And I've been blowing it for 40 years!

  12. #57
    Join Date
    8th November 2004 - 11:00
    Bike
    GSXR 750 the wanton hussy
    Location
    Not in Napier now
    Posts
    12,765

    It is Friday now...

    Kids know far too much these days. This morning whilst in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie & Ken dolls imitating the doggy position. I bent down and told her, "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that". She replied, "I don't think so. He's doing her up the arse!"
    Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

  13. #58
    Join Date
    8th November 2004 - 11:00
    Bike
    GSXR 750 the wanton hussy
    Location
    Not in Napier now
    Posts
    12,765
    An Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

    "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied.The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

    Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers! Why not?" "I can't afford any on the money you give me" she protests. He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

    Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet Mudder, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any!" The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
    Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

  14. #59
    Join Date
    11th February 2007 - 21:35
    Bike
    Kawasaki EN500
    Location
    xxxxx
    Posts
    128
    A farmer buys several sheep hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and phones the vet for help.
    The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
    The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
    The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
    So he loads the sheep onto his Land Rover and drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them home and goes to bed.
    Next morning he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are still standing around he deduces that the first try didn’t take and loads them into the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed exhausted.
    Next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. “Try again” he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drives out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home he falls listlessly into bed.
    The next morning he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
    “No”, she says, “they’re all in the Land Rover and one of them is beeping the horn”.

  15. #60
    Join Date
    7th November 2008 - 13:30
    Bike
    2007 GSX1000R
    Location
    Hastings
    Posts
    2,141

    One Sunday morning,

    A priest decided to
    do something a little different.
    He said
    'Today, in church, I am going
    to say a single word
    and you are going to
    help me preach.
    Whatever single word I say,
    I want you to sing whatever
    hymn that comes to your mind --
    the pastor shouted out
    'CROSS.'

    Immediately
    the congregation started singing in unison,
    'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'

    The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began
    to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

    The pastor said 'POWER.'
    The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

    The Pastor said 'SEX'
    The congregation fell into total silence.

    Everyone was in shock.
    They all nervously began to look around at each other
    afraid to say anything.

    Then all of a sudden,
    way from in the back of the church,
    a little old 87 year old grandmother
    stood up and began to sing
    'MEMORIES.'

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •