Friday jokes

[Bikkie]

A young woman walks into a chartered accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her tax returns.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.” He gets her name, address etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?”

“I’m a prostitute,” she says.

The accountant is taken aback and says, “That’s too gross. Let’s try to re-phrase that.”

The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl.”

“No, that still won’t work. Need something more acceptable.”

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite poultry farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does poultry farming have to do, with being a prostitute?”

“Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.”

Chartered Accountant : “Brilliant!! ‘Poultry farmer’ it is! and agricultural income is tax-free.”

[Reckless]

A woman meets an elderly man in a bar.
They talk: they connect: they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It’s obvious that he’s taken time to lovingly arrange them, and she’s immediately touched by the amount of thought he’s put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn’t mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after a while, she finds herself thinking, “Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!”
Maybe he could be the future father of my children? She turns to him and kisses him lightly.
He responds warmly, they continue to kiss,the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She’s so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she’s ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they lie together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
“Well how was it?” The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
“Help yourself to any prize from the Middle Shelf.”

[husaberg]

[roogazza]

[roogazza]

[husaberg]

[YellowDog]

________________________

[roogazza]

[YellowDog]

__________________

[Reckless]

A Woman was walking past a pet shop
A sign in the window said "Parrott Super special must go"!
The woman went in. Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of call girl, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
“New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that’s really not so bad.
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said,
“New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Keith.”

[Reckless]

Gave me a giggle

[Piper]

Max. This I Richard, next door.
I've been riddled with
guilt for a few months and
have been trying to get
up the courage to tell you
face-to-face. When you're
not around, I've been
sharing your wife, day
and night, probably much
more than you. I haven't
been getting it at home
recently. I know that's no
excuse. The temptation
was just too great. I can't
live with the guilt and hope
you'll accept my sincere
apology and forgive me.
Please suggest a fee for
usage and I'll pay you.
Regards
Richard

Max, feeling enraged and
betrayed, grabbed his gun,
went next door, and shot
Richard dead. He returned
home, shot his wife,
poured himself a stiff
drink and sat down on the
sofa. Max then looked at
his phone and discovered
a second text message
from Richard.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE :

Hi, Max Richard here
again. Sorry about the
typo on my last text. I
assume you figured it
out and noticed that the
darned Spell-Checker had
changed "Wi-Fi" to "wife".
Technology, huh? I'll be
the death of us all.

[YellowDog]

___________________________

[roogazza]

[roogazza]