Friday jokes

[roogazza]

[YellowDog]

Tool expectations explained:

[YellowDog]

Predictive Text

[roogazza]

[Swoop]

Press Release to coincide with the introduction of the new Type 45 Destroyers.

Details have been released regarding Britain's introduction of the next generation of fighting ships. The Royal Navy is proud of the cutting edge capability of the fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Costing £750 million, they have been designed to meet the needs of the 21st century; in addition to state of the art technology, weaponry, and guidance systems, the ships will comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights legislation.

They will be able to remain at sea for several months and positively bristle with facilities. For instance, the new user friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress councillors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day, and each ship will have its own onboard industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality, and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules even in wartime! All bunks will be double occupancy, and the destroyers will all come equipped with a maternity ward situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the Officer's Wardroom. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash". Out goes the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by Perrier water, although sodomy remains, this has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only by request.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is elitist; it is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor". All notices on boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches, even the women. The MOD is working on a new "Non specific" flag based on the controversial British Airways "Ethnic" tailfin design, because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The ship is due to be launched soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. The ship will gently slide into the water to the tune of "In the Navy" by the Village People played by the band of Her Majesty's Royal Marines.

Sea Trials are expected to take place, when the first of the new destroyers HMS Cautious, sets out on her maiden mission. It will be escorting boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on the south coast. The Prime Minister said that "While the ships reflected the very latest of modern thinking they were also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation". His final words were "Britain never, never waives the rules!"

[roogazza]

[Bikkie]

Once again,The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism
contest,in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1:Coffee [ in.],the person upon whom one coughs.

2:Flabbergasted [adj.],appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3:Abdicate [V.],to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4:Esplande [V.],to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5:Willy-nilly [adj.],impotent.

6:Negligent [adj.],describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7:Lymph [V.],to walk with a lisp.

8:Gargoyle [n.],olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9:Flatulence [n.],emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10:Balderdash [n.],a rapidly receding hairline.

11:Testicle [n.],a humorous question on an exam.

12:Rectitude [n.],the formal,dignified bearing adopted by procologists.

13:Pokemon [n],a Rastafarian proctologist.

14:Oyster [n.],a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15"Frisbeetarianism [n.],[ black by popular demand ]:The belief that,when you die,your soul flies
up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16:Circumvent [n.],an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary
alter it by adding,subtractin,or changing one letter,and supply a new definition.Here are this
year's winners:

1:Bozone [n.],The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating.
The bozone layer,unfortunately,shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2:Foreplay [v.],Any misrepresentation about yourself for the puropose of getting sex.


3:Cashtration [n.]:The act of buying a house,which renders the subject financially impotent for an
indefinite period.

4:Giraffiti [n]:Vandalism spray-painted very,very high.

5:Sarchasm [n]:The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6:Inoculatte [v]:To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7:Hipatitis [n]:Terminal coolness.

8:Osteopomosis [n]:A degenerate disease.[ This one got extra credit ]

9:Kamageddon [n]:its like,when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,right?And
then,like the Earth explodes and it's like,a serious bummer.

10 Decafalon [n.],The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are
good for you.

11:Gilbido [v]:All talk and no action.

12 Dopeler effect [n]:The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you
rapidly.

13:Arachnoleptic fit [n]:The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through
a spider web.

14:Beelzebug [n]:Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the
morning and cannot be cast out.

15:Caterpallor [n] The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the litrature:

16:Ignoranus [n]:A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

[roogazza]

Hello…is this Gordon’s Pizza?

No sir, it's Google Pizza.

I must have dialled a wrong number. Sorry.

No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

OK. I would like to order a pizza.

Do you want your usual, sir?

My usual? You know me?

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.

OK! That’s what I want …

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

What? I detest vegetables.

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

How the hell do you know?

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I don't want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug sale Network, 4 months ago.

I bought more from another drugstore.

That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash.

That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

WHAT THE HELL?

I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, What’s App and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch or spy on me.

I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.

[Bikkie]

Difference bewtween
Kim Jong Un and
Dominoes.Dominoes
can deliver a hot
cripsy Hawaiian in less
than 20 minutes by
text.

[Akzle]

[Bikkie]

A husband and wife
decided they needed
to use a code to
indicate that they
wanted to have sex
without letting their
children in on it.They
decided on the word
typewriter.One day
the husband told his
five year old daughter,
"Go tell your mummy
that daddy needs to
type a letter." The
child told her mum
what her dad said and
her mother responded,
"Tell your daddy that
he can"t type a letter
right now because
there's a red ribbon in
the typewriter." The
child went back to tell
her father what
mummy had said.A
few days later the
mum told the
daughter,"Tell daddy
that he can type that
letter now." The child
told her father,and
then returned to her
mother and
announced,"Daddy
said never mind with
the typewriter,he
already wrote the
letter by hand."

[YellowDog]

Buyer Beware

[YellowDog]

Car won't start

[YellowDog]

Bike shops need to offer this service

[roogazza]