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Thread: Friday jokes

  1. #5176
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    I phoned my boss on Monday morning and said, 'I'm afraid I'm not going to make it in today. I've pulled something.'

    He said, 'Bloody hell, it's going to be busy today. Can you walk?'

    I replied, 'Sure I can. But she's insisting I take her out for breakfast.'
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  2. #5177
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    A woman tries getting on a bus, but realizes her skirt is too tight. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, but only to discover that she couldn't.
    With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
    After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more leg room to get on the first step of the bus.
    About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus,
    She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
    The Texan smiled and drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends.
    On a Motorcycle you're penetrating distance, right along with the machine!! In a car you're just a spectator, the windshields like a TV!!

    'Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out! Shouting, ' Holy sh!t... What a Ride!! '

  3. #5178
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    17th August 2005 - 11:00
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    Gave me a chuckle

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    On a Motorcycle you're penetrating distance, right along with the machine!! In a car you're just a spectator, the windshields like a TV!!

    'Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out! Shouting, ' Holy sh!t... What a Ride!! '

  4. #5179
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    17th August 2005 - 11:00
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    The husband leans over and asks his wife,
    “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”
    “Yes”, she says, “I remember it well.”
    “OK”, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
    “Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”
    A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.
    The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in…
    Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
    The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
    The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.
    So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”
    Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
    “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”
    On a Motorcycle you're penetrating distance, right along with the machine!! In a car you're just a spectator, the windshields like a TV!!

    'Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out! Shouting, ' Holy sh!t... What a Ride!! '

  5. #5180
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    12th September 2004 - 17:40
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    You'd never go hungry with Nigella Gaz.
    If it weren't for flashbacks...I'd have no memory at all..

  6. #5181
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    1st November 2005 - 08:18
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    Has shooting begun on that new Alec Baldwin movie?



    (Brace yourselves... there's plenty more coming)
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  7. #5182
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    My 3 favourite things are eating my girlfriend and not using commas.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  8. #5183
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    Quote Originally Posted by Swoop View Post
    Has shooting begun on that new Alec Baldwin movie?

    (Brace yourselves... there's plenty more coming)
    _______________
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  9. #5184
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    Halloween: when Demons and Ghouls hang out together....

    ... because Demons are a Ghoul's best friend.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  10. #5185
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    In a show of solidarity with the US Navy naming a ship in honour of a gay activist, the Royal Navy released the name of its latest warship. HMS Chutney Ferret will enter service next year.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  11. #5186
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    A friend had his second dose of the vaccine at a vaccination centre and began to have blurred vision on the way home.
    When he got home he immediately called the people at the vaccination centre for advice and asked if he should go to a doctor or a hospital.
    He was told to NOT go to a doctor or a hospital, but to return to the vaccination centre and pick-up his glasses.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  12. #5187
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    I once dated a chiropractor.

    She was a real head-turner.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  13. #5188
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    US rapper Young Dolph fatally shot in Memphis whilst visiting Homemade Butter Cookies.

    Fuck me, these rapper names get more bizarre every day.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  14. #5189
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    I woke up this morning with foul smelling breath again.

    Not the most fetching name for a Native American, but she's got great tits.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  15. #5190
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    13th April 2007 - 17:09
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