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Thread: Friday jokes

  1. #4981
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    1st November 2005 - 08:18
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    I'm a self-made millionaire... I bought the Lottery ticket myself!




    Not all fat people are jolly. Some are feminists.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  2. #4982
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    12th September 2004 - 17:40
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    Nearing retirement, and looking forward to it?

    I was rung up by the doctor's surgery today. The nurse said

    "We've got the results of your blood tests back and we are quite concerned, to be honest I was surprised you are still here to answer the phone"

    I know the feeling, I surprise myself every time I mange to wake up in the morning.

    "Your blood pressure and your cholesterol levels are way up, and your weight is far to much for a person of your height"

    No probs, I always wear high heels when I'm out to reduce the height weight ratio.

    "We need you to come in so we can sort out some medication for you"

    Nah, don't bother, I'm fine as I am

    "But you don't understand, you are on the verge of diabetes and heart disease"

    Ive tried that cholesterol medicine before, I'd rather have the cholesterol.

    "Well at least do something to improve your diet and your exercise"

    They are fine, I have a balanced diet and get as much exercise as I need

    "How is your diet balanced?"

    The amount of stuff I eat in a week would just about balance me if it was on one side of the seesaw and I was on the other

    "No! what sort of stuff do you eat"

    Aw, bacon, eggs, buttered toast, hot dogs, hamburgers, chips, pizzas

    "Oh No!. Do you snack between meals too"

    Those are snacks!

    "What about exercise, do you do any?"

    Aw, yep sit ups, I do about 350 of them

    "Well thats better is that a day?"

    No! A Year, I sit up in the morning and lie down at night

    "That won't do, do you at least do some walking?"

    Of course I do, do you think the bed, toilet shower and stove are all in the same room

    "Do you realise you are headed for an early grave"

    NO, Im getting cremated

    "I mean you are reducing your life expectancy by years"

    Those are the last years, they are crappy years anyway

    "But what about your family, what about your wife, how will she carry on when you are gone"

    I don't care, so long as she behaves while I'm here

    "Don't you want to enjoy retirement in your old age"

    Not particularly, cost of living is racing up with the minimum wage, taxes are going up to pay for all the huge spending the govt is doing, petrol is getting taxed to hell. the govt is talking about reducing pensions and interfering with Kiwi Saver so they can pay more money to those who have never worked or saved. Life on the pension is no bed of roses now and it's going to get worse.
    Property taxes, rates and house maintenance costs going up, I'll have to eventually sell up and buy a caravan and with the road toll increasing that means more risk to life on the roads.
    If I visit the doctor I get suggestions to go for blood tests, X rays, prostrate tests which invariably lead to expensive drugs and advice on what enjoyable things not to do so I can prolong being unhappy.
    Eventually its into an old folks home which have a worse reputation for looking after occupants than the prisons.
    I have no wish to prolong my old age misery any longer than it takes. Id' rather enjoy a short time than endure a long time.

    "Well if that's your preference there is nothing we can do about it. we'll send you a bill for $65 for the consultation"

    You'd never go hungry with Nigella Gaz.
    If it weren't for flashbacks...I'd have no memory at all..

  3. #4983
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    1st November 2005 - 08:18
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    I cleaned my helmet with rubbing alcohol and I’m pretty sure there was a 10 min window where I shouldn’t have legally been riding.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  4. #4984
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    21st June 2016 - 08:52
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    Smile The Codeword

    A couple had
    decided to use
    calculator as a
    codeword for
    intercourse.
    The man told
    his son to ask
    Mummy for the
    calculator.
    He comes back
    and tells him that
    she'd said she'll
    get it soon.
    An hour later the
    man asks his son
    the some thing
    again and he
    returns wth the
    response.
    An hour later the
    woman shouts,"I've
    found the calculator."
    The man shouts back,
    "Fuck it,I've worked
    it out by hand."

  5. #4985
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    1st November 2005 - 08:18
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    Has anyone lost $2,000 wrapped in elastic bands?

    I've found your elastic bands.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  6. #4986
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    20th January 2010 - 14:41
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    Quote Originally Posted by Katman View Post
    I reminder distinctly .




    Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken

  7. #4987
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    25th March 2007 - 12:04
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    A year ago today, a genie gave me a choice of two wishes. I could have a ten inch penis. Or I could become the most intelligent person in the world.
    I had 24 hours to decide which one was betterer.
    No body move... I dropped my brain

  8. #4988
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    12th September 2004 - 17:40
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    The Greek and the Irishman with a History Lesson

    A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

    Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”

    “Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”

    “But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

    “Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality:“Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”

    True but it was the Irish who got women involved..

    You'd never go hungry with Nigella Gaz.
    If it weren't for flashbacks...I'd have no memory at all..

  9. #4989
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    I often refer to the missus as my Trophy Wife.
    She's not good looking or anything, she's just got really massive ears.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  10. #4990
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    1st November 2005 - 08:18
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    I honestly don't know how devout Muslims can follow all the rules of the Qur'an.

    The one in our local dairy can't even follow the rule of 'Multi-pack: not to be sold separately.'
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  11. #4991
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    1st November 2005 - 08:18
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    The World Health Organisation has said that covid19 will be around for years and will have to be managed, just like HIV.

    I managed HIV by not putting my cock in someone's arse. Not sure this will be as easy.




    Just guessing it will be very challenging for katman though...
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  12. #4992
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    1st November 2005 - 08:18
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    The doctor approached me in the hospital maternity waiting room,

    "I have some bad news Sir, please sit down. "

    "Oh no, " I replied, "please tell me the baby's ok doctor. "

    "Well sort of, " he answered, "but if I were you, I'd buy a pinball machine and call him Tommy. "
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  13. #4993
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    20th January 2010 - 14:41
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    Quote Originally Posted by Katman View Post
    I reminder distinctly .




    Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken

  14. #4994
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    I think I'll ask my dad if that offer to slap me into next year is still available.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

  15. #4995
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    NASA: First person on Mars could be a woman.

    So when the men arrive, dinner will be ready.
    TOP QUOTE: “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”

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