Tui Blond

[Fatt Max]

In the spirit of consumer information, I have broken my 'No Piss' rule and am currently 8 bottles into the dozen Tui Blonds purchased this evening. So far so good, it's not a bad lager and goes very well with the arse burning curry Mrs Max made for tea this evening.

Broke the seal after 6 and so far have only had two piss breaks so thats a good sign. They are twist top bottles and none have proved a problem so far.

As for effect, at 4.2% it's not the strongest but has the edge on the weaker 4%-ters. Puit it this way, I'm getting a tad randy so it is 'refreshing the parts' so to speak.

I'll update the post drink effects after my morning dump

[tri boy]

Include any "performance issues/advantages".
On second thought, don't. The image might be impossible to erase from my subconscious.

[steve_t]

I'm undecided on the Tui Blond. Initial taste isn't as nice as original Tui but the aftertaste is nicer

[Conquiztador]

I did my own research last w/e, and as I am considerate I decided to use my self as ginea pig.

The results were;
- After 12 Tui Blond I did not feel much worse for wear (compared to Steinlagers where I know when I have had 12, and Corona that puts me to sleep).
- I was able to keep coherent conversations after the 12, and even managed an additional two double JD & dry w/o making a fool out of my self.
- The sleep was not interrupted by pee breaks or farting (as far as I know)
- Next morning all was good. No headaches or being too seady.

The verdict:
- Not much umph in the brew.
- Taste is a little bland
- a doz goes down fast

Would I buy them again? When a 15 pack of Steinies are only $3 more the answer has to be no. But if I was given one yes, I would drink it (Compared to DB, Rheinek, VB or Lion Brown that I won't touch!)

[blossomsowner]

thanks FM. Needed a change of picture after wading through all the ACC levie threads.

Looking forward to your results. please no pictures..............

[Her_C4]

thanks FM. Needed a change of picture after wading through all the ACC levie threads.

Looking forward to your results. please no pictures..............

+1 NOOOOOO pics

[Insanity_rules]

I did my own research last w/e, and as I am considerate I decided to use my self as ginea pig.

I did my own test. Here are the results.

Place: My lounge room after the Missus buggers off for the evening.

Amount: 15 pack tested in conjunction with a chicken saag, a beef vindaloo, 3 onion bargees and a garlic naan purchased from the wonderful people at curry express of Stokes Valley (highly recommended)

Control sample: Last weekends 15 normal Tui with fish and chips

Subject: 36 year old company director, Father of two, Of Scottish/ Italian origin weighing in at a surprising 82 Kilos. Strange prediliction toward motorcycles made in a country full of maniacs, mafia, hot women and pasta.

6:34pm Started on the first Blonde, not bad nice after taste. Turn on DVD of Layer Cake. Decide to chase the second with an onion bargee. Tastes good with highly spiced indian entree, also compliments the chicken saag well with a nice sharp contrast to the spinach flavours.

7:41pm Done with the entrees and decide to down beer number 4 with my beef vindaloo. Chase the first mouthful of vindaloo. Has a good throat calming effect as its more powerful big brother. 4.2 percent??? Bloody hell am I drinkin a girls beer? Its havin the right effect as we get to the good part of the DVD, proceed to shout encouragement at the TV as Daniel Craig kicks the crap out of someone

8:26pm Finished dinner, DVD and beer number 9. Rather interesting effect that the neighbours are annoying me more than usual so decide to wander over and calmly discuss why they deem it good manners to blast Abba at full bore in their open garage.

8:29pm Storm back to my place after openly suggesting that the neighbour might like to vacation somewhere warmer (like hell for instance). Think it might be a good incentive to encourage them by mooning them ferociously from the bedroom window.

9:41pm Wife arrives home to find 12 empty Tui Blonde bottles, indian takeaway rubbish all over lounge, a shocking carcophony of AC/DC and her husband in the bedroom with his pants around his ankles, standing on a dresser yelling take that ya farkin poofters.

10:08pm After being talked into climbing off the furniture, cleaning up and pulling my pants up. I tuck up in bed next to my wife, find that blonde has a rather exacerbating effect on the bowls (might be the curry though) proceed to fart the entire theme to mash and brutally dutch oven my lovely Wife.

10:12pm Experiencing much violence from my now enraged choking better half, I decide to get up and consume the remaining 3 Tui's in the garage. Finding by now I need to relieve myself and not wanting to experience anymore blow back from the gas offensive I proceed to irrigate the rose garden. At this time my now equally innebriated neighbour decides to sound a car horn just as I'm trying to empty Percy. I proceed to irrigate my slippers, the fence, my shoulder and fall into a well establish, thorny bush of black magic.

10:16pm try to extract many many small rose thorns from my johnson, posterior and legs, decide I'm too drunk and pass out on the hallway floor. Might have something to do with the 15 beers, three whiskey sours and other various recreational substances.

Conclusion:

Tui Blonde causes you to, urinate, talk shit, expose innapropriate body parts, pass gas, eat large amounts of takeaway, annoy neighbours, annoy spouse and pick thorns out of your genitals. Job well done. Oh and the morning after dump was epic!

[chef]

wonder if it gives the usal tui boos poos, only problem i get with tui after a hard night

[Fatt Max]

Well, the morning after the night before....

Before I complete my report, Insanity Rules has presented us with probably the best consumer test since that chick in the space shuttle said "Oi lads, what does this button do..?"

To continue,

1 Dozen Tui Blonds completed with no major side effects that one would expect from, say, 12 Steinies, Heinies or Coronas. No major slurring, pissing at the toilet instead of in it or uncontrollable urges to staple a pair of donkey ears to the cat.

By midnight I was definatley in the mood for some horizontal jogging, the new beer seems to have that magic ingredient that, rather than turns the old fella into a dead eel, had the trouser snake bouncing around like a demented Dalmation on speed.

However, the rest of the body was deemed far to unnattractive to Mrs Max who retired me to the spare room because my breath was smelling like I had just chewed Ghandi's flip flop and left the toenail clippings between my teeth.

By 2.00am, I was awake and heading to the khazi for what was one of three night wees. The original Tui had this effect and Blond seems to be no different. However, it also makes ones rear end hubble and bubble a bit. Now, there is nothing better than a good, loud, pneumatic fart in the bog in the dead of night, the acoustics gives the effort it's rewards and is....well.....fucking funny.

So, cheeks puffed up, eyes shut and arse sticking out I did let rip. A good sounding fart with nice bass frequencies and a mid range just below what you would expect from a classic Angus Young guitar sound circa 1980......trouble is, Tui Blond does have a certain lubricating effect on the bowels and I popped a nugget right into my undies which bounced of the man gussett and landed in one of Mrs Max's slippers that for some reason was in the bog....I blame mini Max for that.

However, in my half asleep state I though the dumper had plopped into the bog and as I sit here at work writing this report, I realise that when Mrs Max wakes and slips her manicured feet into said footwear, she will feel a very uncomfortable squelch as she instantly discovers the new penquin movie 'Crappy Feet'.

Back to bed and not much else to report at this stage.

As for the morning dump, well it was the ususal consistency, smell and shape but with a slight hint of orange ususally reserved for post dump concotions of beer, burbon and a bit of wacky.

To conclude, Tui Blond is a reasonable tasting beer that gives you the horn and makes you shit yourself into your better half's footwear.

All in all I would give it a 6/10 rating.

Now, does anyone know a good lawyer......

[ital916]

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH HAHAHAHAHAAHAH , these stories are great.

[steelestring]

wonder if it gives the usal tui boos poos, only problem i get with tui after a hard night

No no none yet... done 2 nights on them. I suspect when the tui dark comes out... tis will be a different story

[NZsarge]

Better than Tui draught but now where as nice a DB Export 33 (new low carb beer).

[jim.cox]

Better than Tui draught

Nothing is better than Tui - Yeah Right

Great ads - shame about the beer

[oldrider]

MMMmmmmmm, I have had a couple of nice experiences with Spieghts "Summit" Lager!

Thank you for not giving us even greater graphic descripts of your latest dump, Fat Max! (your imagination seems to know no bounds)

Nice that "you" can enjoy though!

[slofox]

Special thanks to Max and Insanity for my morning guffaw. You made the day lads....

Incidentally, I refuse to stock ANY Tui products in my store....I leave that to the Punjabi up the road....