Caution - do not follow these instruction if trained in proper first aid!
Aunty Riff Raff does not accept any liability for stuff ups caused by those following these instructions.
EDIT] Warning - this is a Piss Take
Choking On Food
Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of food hit you in the eye, however. Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill. Make a mental note to order soup next time.
Concussion
Before the victim comes round, switch of all the lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout “Thank God! We thought you might be dead, or blinded or something.
When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the Prime Minister is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more.
Cuts and Wounds
Dress the wound, whatever that means. Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing. Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my little joke. Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire. Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.
Electrocution
Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, switch off the power immediately. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it would be going to waste. Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human being). And do try not to be squeamish about it. Drive the victim to the nearest casualty ward. You can use him/her to jumpstart the engine as well if need be.
Fractures and broken limbs
Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going to die. That always puts the wind up them. Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the rest of your job easier. Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you’re feeling daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc. It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can produce. Far better than Play-Doh.
Objects Stuck In The Eye
Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. Do not use soap as well, idiot. Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This usually results in the object mysteriously “going away” and not bothering the victim any more before you can get to it.
Treating Burns and Scalds
Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (N.B. If the victims entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little too late for this). If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then remove clothing immediately. You can never tell, the sight of you parading around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury. Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as an example.
Appendicitis - Pain in right lower abdomen. Nausea, possible vomiting and fever. Who cares? It’s a vestigial organ anyway. Give him an aspirin.
Cuts and Bruises - Cuts bleed and hurt. Bruises get red, swollen, and hurt. Call victim a sissy and send him back out to play.
Dog Bite - Redness, swelling and bleeding if skin is broken. Fear of the dog. Scold victim. Shoot dog.
Drowning - Unconscious, pale or blue skin. Talk about what a great guy he was.
Earache - Pain. Possible dizziness or discharge from ear. Possible fever. Listen to one hour of Motley Crue. Then you’ll know what an earache is.
Fainting - Pale, clammy skin, dizziness, shallow breathing, sweating and temporary unconsciousness.
Before victim revives, take his wallet and clothes and put him on a bus to Toledo
Fever - Body temperature over 98.6 degrees F (37 C). Hot forehead. Administer 4 oz. of ‘Old Jayhawk’ [cheap whiskey] every 2 hours.
Frostbite - Skin flushed, then changing to white or greyish yellow. Blister may appear. Cold and numb. Pain. Submerge in boiling water.
Heat Exhaustion - High temperature. Pale and clammy skin, or hot and flushed skin. Headache and weakness. Possible nausea. Lock up victim in walk-in freezer for 1-2 hours.
Insect Bites and Stings - Pain and redness at the site of the sting or bite. Possible allergic reactions such as shock or difficulty breathing. Capture insect and mash to paste. Dissolve in one cup of milk and have victim drink.
Nosebleed - Profuse bleeding from the nose. Apply tourniquet to victim’s neck.
Poisoning - Symptoms vary. Throat or stomach pains. Mouth burns. Vomiting. Drowsiness. Give 1 tbsp lye in ammonia solution to flush system.
Shock - Victim pale and weak. Clammy skin, perspiration on upper lip and forehead. Pulse rate and breathing rate are increased. Grasp victim firmly by the shoulders and shake, shouting, “Snap out of it!”
Stroke - Unconscious. Heavy breathing. Apparent weakness in face or limbs on one side of body. Inability to speak. Kiss patient goodbye. It’s all over.
Sunburn - Redness, mild swelling, and pain. Possible blisters. Remove reddened skin with sandpaper. Soak affected area in alcohol.
Toothache Pain - Tooth is sensitive to hot and cold food and fluids.
Alternate administration of hot coffee and ice cream.
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Originally Posted by Riff Raff
The points part that is .... I'll leave the spanking to someone else 
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