Cop Jokes

**scumdog** · 8th November 2009, 11:15

Driver gets pulled over and says to cop:

"Ya can't give me a ticket cos you don't have your hat on"
"Ya can't give me a speeding ticket cos it's over ten minutes since you clocked me and the reading will have dropped off your radar"
"I've only had three drinks so I can't be over the limit"
"I was doing more than 150kph so you're meant to be called off the chase"
"I've got a problem with my clutch and that's why I smoked up the tyres"
"I was almost at the 10kay area so ya can't do me for 109kay 'cos that's not over the limit"
"I was doing 99kay in the 50 area 'cos I had my fish and chips stuck down the front of my jacket and they steamed up my visor so bad I couldn't read my speedo"
"They shouldn't have got into my car 'cos they know I've only got a restricted licence"

These and many more are amongst the best cop jokes I have heard, all have been told to me throughout the years.

**awayatc** · 8th November 2009, 11:50

Cop pulls over boy racer and starts ranting about all the things wrong with the car.....:
bald tyres, lights not working,no warrent and noisy exhaust....
After he's been scribbling a while on his pad, the Cop goes;
"that will cost you $460 all up....."
"Sweet"...says the kid.....
"and when will it be ready?".....

**Cr1MiNaL** · 8th November 2009, 11:58

Originally Posted by awayatc

Cop pulls over boy racer and starts ranting about all the things wrong with the car.....:
bald tyres, lights not working,no warrent and noisy exhaust....
After he's been scribbling a while on his pad, the Cop goes;
"that will cost you $460 all up....."
"Sweet"...says the kid.....
"and when will it be ready?".....

Bwaaahahahahahaha NOICE!!

**Sidewinder** · 8th November 2009, 11:59

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

**scumdog** · 8th November 2009, 12:02

Originally Posted by Sidewinder

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

Repost.

**Cr1MiNaL** · 8th November 2009, 12:03

Originally Posted by munster

There's this guy driving along, speeding just a little bit and a cop pull up behind him lights flashing so he takes off, after awhile he thinks, 'WTF am I doing and pulls over'

Cops comes up and says 'look it's late & I'm tired, give me a good excuse and I'll consider letting you off with a warning'

'Guy says, my ex wife ran off with a cop and I thought you were bringing her back'

Originally Posted by Sidewinder

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

I said original gansta!

**Sidewinder** · 8th November 2009, 12:04

Originally Posted by scumdog

Repost.

oh gay websites lol

**scumdog** · 8th November 2009, 13:02

Originally Posted by Sidewinder

oh gay websites lol

No second prizes sonny.

Get out your best as-yet-unposted joke and show us what you're made of.

**awayatc** · 9th November 2009, 01:13

A guy stumbles out of the pub and spoils onto the carpark...
He steadies himself against a car and swipes the roof....
mumbles a bit and staggers onto the next.....
So I ask him what he is doing.........
"juz trying to find my car...." he slurrs....
You can't find your car like that I reply......
"yes I can " guy says,
"mine has lights on the roof......"

**awayatc** · 9th November 2009, 01:25

How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but he is never around when you need him.

Actualy there are only 2 or 3 cop jokes around.....
all the other stories are true....

**LBD** · 9th November 2009, 03:54

So this cop is sitting 100m down he road from the pub watching and waiting....

About closing time he sees this guy stagger out trying his key in a few doors and eventually find one that fits.

Thinking he has one here, cop gets out and briskly walks towards the car but is to slow and the car does a quick u-turn and heads down the road.

Cop runs back to his car and makes chase, not loosing sight of the tail lights and eventually catchs up with the drunk about a km down the road.

The drunk duly pulls over in response to the sigren and flashing lights.

Cop comes up to the door "Scuse me sir I say you leave the hotel and stagger to your car, evidently unfit to be driving. Could you please blow into here....

It reads zero....confused, the cop asks him to repeat blowing into the analyzer and again nothing. In the back of the car he had a couple of the old blow in bag crystal type detectors, but again zilch.

Confused, he mumbles...."I don't understand I saw you leave the bar hardly able to stand...whats happening?

The drunk looks the cop in the eye..."Its simple mate....I am the nominated decoy"

**Cr1MiNaL** · 9th November 2009, 08:31

Ah brilliant ! LBD and awayatc I wish I could give you more bling! Duuuuuhuhh

**scumdog** · 9th November 2009, 16:57

Originally Posted by LBD

So this cop is sitting 100m down he road from the pub watching and waiting....

About closing time he sees this guy stagger out trying his key in a few doors and eventually find one that fits.

Thinking he has one here, cop gets out and briskly walks towards the car but is to slow and the car does a quick u-turn and heads down the road.

Cop runs back to his car and makes chase, not loosing sight of the tail lights and eventually catchs up with the drunk about a km down the road.

The drunk duly pulls over in response to the sigren and flashing lights.

Cop comes up to the door "Scuse me sir I say you leave the hotel and stagger to your car, evidently unfit to be driving. Could you please blow into here....

It reads zero....confused, the cop asks him to repeat blowing into the analyzer and again nothing. In the back of the car he had a couple of the old blow in bag crystal type detectors, but again zilch.

Confused, he mumbles...."I don't understand I saw you leave the bar hardly able to stand...whats happening?

The drunk looks the cop in the eye..."Its simple mate....I am the nominated decoy"

while me mates drive orf pissed and kill themselves, great idea eh!

(there, finished the joke off nicely!)