Christmas jokes

[HenryDorsetCase]

xmas lights are like niggers, they are chained together, half of them dont work and they look best hanging from a tree

thats not funny, its really low brow and offensive.

[crazyhorse]

Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log!

What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low ?elf?esteem!

How do elves greet each other?
"Small world, isn't it?"

Santa rides in a sleigh. What do elves ride in?
Mini vans!

[one fast tl1ooo]

[crazyhorse]

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.
Which one picked it up?

Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

[crazyhorse]

Father Christmas' sledge broke down on Christmas Eve. He flagged down a passing motorist and asked, 'Can you help me fix my sledge?'

'Sorry,' the motorist replied. 'I'm not a mechanic - I'm a chiropodist.'
'Well, can you give me a toe?'

[slofox]

Best Christmas Advice

[crazyhorse]

Charging through the snow
In a V8 wonders sled,
Crashing in to trees,
Cos I'm off my fuckin head.

Been smoking billy's too,
A dozen beers or more,
I'm heading to the red light zone,
To get myself a whore.

Oh.... jingle bells, jingle bells,
Santa's smoking weed,
Mrs Clause is on the floor,
she overdosed on speed.

Blitzens fucked, the elves are too,
They're peaking off their heads,
And if Rudolf snorts another line
The prick'll wind up dead!

Merry Fucking Christmas Mate

[YellowDog]

This is the only card I'm sending this Christmas!

[crazyhorse]

ha ha yeah, good one

[YellowDog]

Following advice is optional:

[one fast tl1ooo]

[one fast tl1ooo]

[YellowDog]

[crazyhorse]

Right after Christmas a city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street
when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said," he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse not on top."

[crazyhorse]

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season