Family law questions

[lb99]

Hey guys

i am after a bit of advice regarding family law, as my 13yo boy has indicated he'd like to spend more time with me and his stepmum, brothers and sisters ect....(we his OTHER family), naturally his mother (who I dont get on with) has hit the roof and put a kibosh on the whole idea, and seems to have put a stop to any contact other than every other weekend as per a 12yo court order, it makes it very difficult to get hold of him to get his opinion on the matter.

If he really does want me to go into bat for him, what can be done, does he have any say at all?

I am attempting to communicate and negotiate with his mum by email but I fear this will dissolve into a tug of war of epic proportions very soon.
what should I do?

[Quasievil]

I think the courts will listen to the child once they are 14 years, until then they will prolly listen to some degree but I wouldnt guarantee it being in your favour.
best thing tho is keep the boy out of it, he has said what he needs to so try and sort it without involving him to much as it is (from experience) a headfuck of epic proportions.

Try sorting it with Mum before any legal path mate.

it does suck I been there as the kid and the parent

[p.dath]

Being 13 the court would place significant weight on what the child wants. You'll need a lawyer, and the court will appoint a lawyer for the child to represent their wishes, and you need to apply for a variation of court order.

The bad news is it can take 12 to 18 months if the other party does not agree.

[scissorhands]

I'd write a heartfelt letter to the mother, repeating what is best for the boy, what he wants, the pushing away boys do to their mother at that age, and maybe his want/need for his dad.

Spend alot of time/money on the letter so it is the best. You may only get one bite at the cherry for now, so dont blow it by offending/insulting her

[SS90]

Hi mate, sorry to hear the tough news, the family court is a horrible place for a guy.

I suggest you DON'T write a "heart felt letter" to the ex, this will show her that you are weak, and she will be in a power position, and will walk all over you.

Trust me on this.

Using a Lawyer will cost you a fortune, and no matter what the outcome, the Lawyer gets paid, so make your decision wisely.

Personally, I would talk to your son when you next get to have time with him (not as soon as you see him, perhaps let him bring the subject up).

No matter what happens, you need to let your son know that you want him to stay with you, and now is the time for him to start interacting with adults, and use reason with his mother, not "emotional blackmail" ( "you don't love me" type statements, and tantrums etc).

The outcome may or may not be what you both want (you and your son that is), but he is old enough now to learn how modern adults interact with each other, and I assure you that if you are sincere in telling him you want him, and it is not worth upsetting the mother (which will start a chain of events that are catastrophic to say the least).

From the mothers prospective, she will be insulted to all buggery because he want's "to live with dad", and it makes her feel rejected as a mother, that is a powerful emotion in a woman (woman scorned and all) and it is better for her to get used to the idea that her son is "becoming a man", rather than "leaving mum to live with dad"

For your son, it as much about "living with dad", as it is "becoming a man" (independence, but with back up!) I feel that if your wife can see it like this, she would be more supportive than you can imagine!

Good luck.

[Ronin]

+ 1 to the softly softly approach. The well written, well considered letter is a good idea. Emphasis that it has nothing to do with any issues (real or imagined) between the two of you and everything to do with your son, his well being and his wishes. Should it go to court that letter and your son's wishes will have a great deal of weight placed on them. Don't let it get personal no matter how much you may want to or how much you may be provoked.

Good luck and I hope it works out.

[kevfromcoro]

Tell her to go and fuck herself....

Sick of women using the law to manipulate men......and thats whats she is doing....

Bout time the matromail laws got changed in NZ............................

[Genie]

I'm sorry for your son...and you of course.....damn selfishness on the part of mother to not listen to what her son wants....love?????

I am so sick of hearing and seeing these situations. Isn't the role of the parent to do what is best for the child?

Even if, in her eyes, you're an AHole, you' re his dad and it is extremely disgusting for any person to deny a child access to their parent. FFS, sorry I'm getting grumpy.

As it sounds she is not an approachable type, ring the family court and find out your options. As he is 13, he is old enough to make some of his own decisions. I'd stop with the emailing as many times people write without thinking clearly and you could make things worse, i.e. tug of war!!!

I hate mum's that do this shit!

[Tank]

I have no idea - so will keep my 2 cents to myself (for once) Its a terrible situation and rips at the very core of a father. I hope you and your son end up with the very best possible outcome!

Stay strong!

[MSTRS:Me]

Tough one!!
Any dealings between the lad's parents are not likely to end well, from the sound of it, so that leaves the lad using his court-appointed lawyer to work on his behalf. Perhaps you should ring a family court and find out what/how this can be done.

[MsKABC]

You are entitled to apply for a parenting order to change the terms of your existing agreement. The family court will most likely send you off to counselling (mediation) to try and resolve it first. It will cost money and take time, and be very distressing for all involved. I'd suggest you consult a family lawyer and draft up a letter laying down your concerns and explaining the alternative if your ex does not co-operate. There is a fine line between protecting your children from emotional harm and rolling over and taking it up the ***. Your ex will be upset at the prospect of losing child support, no doubt, because if you have your son half the time, you are not liable for any. Good luck. Unfortunately, some things in life just never get any easier

[MSTRS:Me]

YYour ex will be upset at the prospect of losing child support, no doubt, because if you have your son half the time, you are not liable for any.

Really? I thought the formula still applied, but each have to pay the other, instead of one way only. Of course, if their incomes/allowed expenses are the same, then the payments cancel each other and no payments are required.

[MsKABC]

Really? I thought the formula still applied, but each have to pay the other, instead of one way only. Of course, if their incomes/allowed expenses are the same, then the payments cancel each other and no payments are required.

Yeah, that's what I was getting at. He could make a counter-claim against her to offset what he pays her.

[p.dath]

Really? I thought the formula still applied, but each have to pay the other, instead of one way only. Of course, if their incomes/allowed expenses are the same, then the payments cancel each other and no payments are required.

I'm in that situation and have 50/50 care. I'm earn more than my ex, so I end up paying her every month still (just the difference).

[lb99]

hey guys, cheers for the positive replies, the heartfelt letter, was sent before I posted, but unfortunatly I dont hold much hope, as the terms and conditions have always been dictated to me in the past. Now I want to know what it feels like to hold the controls for a while.
i really hope it never gets to a family lawyer as we are two mature adults so should be able to come to an agreement.
I use email to communicate because I can save it and also proof read before sending to make sure I stay proffesional and considerate at all times (not suer if that happens at the other end though)