Marriage - It's a joke.

**crazyhorse** · 22nd December 2009, 08:07

'The thrill, the excitement is gone from my marriage,' George complains to his mate, Tony.

'Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?' suggests Tony naughtily.

'But what if my wife finds out?' frowns George.

'Lummee, George,' explains Tony, 'this is the 21st century we live in, mate. Go ahead and tell her about it.'

So George returns home and says, 'Poppet, I think an affair will bring us closer together.'

'Forget it,' replies his wife. 'I've tried that - it didn't work.'

**StoneY** · 22nd December 2009, 08:12

When youe engaged/newly married you engage in "house sex'
Every room, every surface, and some you dont belive possible!

3rd year in, Bedroom Sex
Missionary/doggy twice a week, maybe even seconds on a Sunday

5th year in, Hall Sex
Lift a finger as you pass in the hallway and utter "fuck you'

**crazyhorse** · 22nd December 2009, 08:15

The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so asked what was wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.

First the aisle, cos that is what you'll be walking down.
Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.
Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.
While the bride was walking in step with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words...

... Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter him)

**Skyryder** · 22nd December 2009, 19:32

Originally Posted by crazyhorse

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

The other side a marrage is bit like cooking a steak. At first it's all tender and sweet with the 'juices' running off the plate but forget about it and it gets over cooked and becomes tough and burnt. An old guy cooking a BBQ told me that one.

Skyryder

**crazyhorse** · 7th January 2010, 05:36

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

**crazyhorse** · 7th January 2010, 05:37

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

**crazyhorse** · 7th January 2010, 05:38

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife....
She directs him down the correct aisle..
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused,'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers,'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she..

**crazyhorse** · 7th January 2010, 05:39

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

**terbang** · 7th January 2010, 06:32

Q. What is a woman's arse hole doing as she's having an orgasm?

A. He's down the pub drinking beer with his mates...

**crazyhorse** · 7th January 2010, 06:56

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

**sosman** · 7th January 2010, 10:11

Breach of contract

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.

"What's the problem?" asked the lawyer.

"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.

"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property, you don't own her!"

"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!"

**sosman** · 7th January 2010, 10:18

1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below that. (You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z key).

2. Grasp your thing in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number key row on your keyboard.

3. Place a copy of the June, 1999 Playboy open to Pamela Sue Anderson at a distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on the keyboard and stare intently at the picture for five minutes, or until your feet leave the ground. Repeat the above test.

Cautions:

1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.

2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard; or place two keyboards end to end.

3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down with alcohol first.

4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire extinguisher handy, and don't be afraid to use it.

5. Do not turn around suddenly and slap the monitor.

Test Results Diagnosis:

If you *score* a "1" -- You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome.

If you *score* "12367" -- You have a strange gap in your penis.

If you *score* "12efgbn" -- Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called a hook.

If you *score* "12wgui,l=]\" -- Seek immediate medical care.

**sosman** · 7th January 2010, 10:27

1. While flipping through channels, catch a glimpse of men's underwear ad. Feel instant and overwhelming desire for sex.

2. Find partner. Begin undressing self and partner.

3. Wait a minute: What's going on? Partner is kissing you not on nipples but on lips. Guiding your hand away from lower regions and toward shoulder. Oh, right, now you remember. Foreplay.

4. Kiss and touch, kiss and touch. This is making you feel incredibly hot, while it seems your partner is still just warming up to room temperature.

5. Attempt to find "magic button" that will make your partner as turned on as you are. After much groping, finally think you locate it. Rub it. Rub it hard. Stop only when you notice partner's attention has drifted back to TV.

6. Offer to give oral sex, your third most favorite sexual activity. There is a chance that this may lead to receiving oral sex, your first most favorite sexual activity.

7. Spend 23 minutes on the giving end. When your partner finally seems enthusiastic enough to want to reciprocate, find that you're forced to stop after two minutes for fear of the entire encounter ending right there.

8. Almost "forget" birth control.

9. Now it's time for your second most favorite sexual activity. Okay, it's in. Thirty seconds later, attempt to train your mind on the anti-orgasmic image of the boy who peed on the school bus in third grade. Then, despite your best efforts, your mind returns to Matt Damon, and the school bus turns into a huge, rocking iron bed.

10. Your partner seems excited now. Very excited. Is partner having an orgasm? You can't quite tell. But who really cares, at least at the moment. Your body is being tossed skyward as if by a volcano and that howl of joy just might be coming from your own mouth.

11. Check surroundings. Yes, good, you're still in the same room.

12. Grasp partner's hand and say how great the sex was.

13. Silence. Should you be worried?

14. You definitely should be worried, and you would be, if you weren't falling asleep.

15. You're jolted awake by your partner's fingers poking you in the ribs. Hard.

16. Apparently the sex is not over. While you are so exhausted that staying conscious seems like a miraculous physical feat, your partner is even more energetic and enthusiastic than before. Okay...batter up.

17. Wow. Partner definitely had orgasm. Make a mental note to remember the signs so you'll recognize them next time.

18. Finally, you can go to sleep. Can't you? No, you cannot. Seems partner actually has the impulse to talk.

19. Murmur at appropriate intervals. Hold partner close. Feel peaceful and content and loving and safe.

20. When partner's body finally relaxes against yours and you hear soft snores against your shoulder, pick up remote and turn on TV. Flip channels. Wait a minute, what was that? Bare thigh. Close-up of a kiss. No longer feel on the brink of blissful oblivion. In fact, feel instant and overwhelming desire for...sex.

21. Contemplate sleeping partner. Contemplate waking partner. Fantasize possibilities. Calculate probabilities. Keep on flipping.

**crazyhorse** · 7th January 2010, 10:50

Vicky, young single lady visits the local dating agency and explains, 'I'm looking for a husband. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?'

The dating receptionist needs to find out some details so she asks, ' What are your requirements, please?'

'Well, let me see.' Vicky says, 'He needs to be fine looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hours, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.'

The receptionist listens politely and carefully and responds, 'I understand. You need a television.'

**crazyhorse** · 1st February 2010, 09:43

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided
to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you..' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,
but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner,Batman?"