Paying child support

[karla]

The Hague convention prevents a child from being taken (abducted) from his/her country of birth unless both parents are agreeable, so that your child's right to have access to both parents is protected.

You'll probably get a lot of support from a local mens group if you want to prevent the other parent from taking your child out of the country - this happens to fathers all the time, not often to mothers, but it is happening on a more regular basis. Welcome to equality. I agree with you, it is unfair to be paying for a child that you don't see and can't parent, because of the selfishness of the other parent. Every child needs to have two parents who love him/her, and no one else can ever be their mother or father, no matter how good a step-parent they are.

In saying that, I have raised my son alone, with no child support from his father, who made a choice not to be involved. I have supported his decision not to be a father (although I definately don't understand it), as it was my unilateral decision to continue the pregnancy against his will, rather than have an abortion. There are some parents who might see things the way you and I do, but they are far and few between - people seem to think that money will make up for or replace a parent. I think that money is a poor substitute for love.

hope things work out for the best for all of you ~

[Duke girl]

As of September last year my daughter decided that she wanted to go and live with her father so I wasn't going to stand in her way and stop her for the simple reason being I wasn't going to have her throw this back in my face later on and live with a child that didn't want to be living with me. So I let her go. The X took me to court back in 2005 saying that he couldn't have shared custody of both my daughters as he was in ill health (Crap) and it was stopping him from getting a job (More crap) cos he hates working for a living. So l got full custody of them both so realistically I still have full custudy of my daughter as far as the courts are concerned. Since he and l have been divorced he has been overseas holidaying about 5 times to my once so Who has the money out of the 2 parents?????? you got it he does.

[sinfull]

Have to ask skip where is he living, here in NZ or in OZ ?
If he's living in OZ, of course his lifestyle would be heaps better than yours and can afford to holiday a few times a year ! but i don't see how you could be forced to pay the maint.
If he's living here collecting the dpb and spending a lot of time holidaying in OZ well he's got some other income lol

[crazyhorse]

It all depends on whether the parent with the child wants IRD to collect it or not. You are liable to pay child support no matter what, but a private arrangement is best if possible. However, the other parent does not HAVE to be on a benefit to collect it. It just makes what you may have to pay the right amount and takes away any nastiness or disagreements that may arise if a private arrangement can not be agreed upon. My ex husband and I have always had a private arrangement and I have many friends who have shared custody and pay half of all expenses.

Be aware too that child support is payable until the day a child turns 19. Unless the child has a job in which they are working more than 30 hours per week. New Zealand and Australia have a reciprocal arrangement that was put into place approximately 12 years ago now.

[Duke girl]

Sinfull....... he is at the moment living in NZ but thinking of going over to Chicago where he is as present doing all of his homework. Daughter turns 15 in June and all I am hearing from her is I cant wait to start my new life over there. I have been told by a couple of people that things arn't that good over with jobs been lost and businesses closing down not sure how true this is. He said to me that he will allow her to fly back here once a year I will believe that when it happens. I know that there is a time in a parents life where your children get to age where they can make up their own minds and do what it is in their lives they want to do but moving over the other side of the world is a huge decision for a child of her age to make without being persuaded by her Father. I feel like my hands are tied and what I think isn't important.

[sinfull]

what I think isn't important.

Ahhhh but then you see , it is ! Thats why he's brain washing you with the fly over every year ! You have custody and have to sign a release for him to take her out of the country !

Big desicion time for you i'm afraid, sounds like the maint thing is just sour grapes, but i recon your more worried about losing her !
Guess what you have to decide is whether you trust him to be able to controll a teenage girl in a big bad new world !
Of course she would be excited about going and would prob hate you forever if you stopped her but sometimes we do this !
Perhaps talk to him about her staying here till he sorts work out, a place to live, schools etc !
If he's a good man who can provide, then it could perhaps be a good experience for her to see the world !

Not a good place for ya to be in i will conceed !

[tommygun]

Sinfull....... he is at the moment living in NZ but thinking of going over to Chicago where he is as present doing all of his homework. Daughter turns 15 in June and all I am hearing from her is I cant wait to start my new life over there. I have been told by a couple of people that things arn't that good over with jobs been lost and businesses closing down not sure how true this is. He said to me that he will allow her to fly back here once a year I will believe that when it happens. I know that there is a time in a parents life where your children get to age where they can make up their own minds and do what it is in their lives they want to do but moving over the other side of the world is a huge decision for a child of her age to make without being persuaded by her Father. I feel like my hands are tied and what I think isn't important.

Hi DG

If the IRD are going to come after you for CS when your child starts living with your ex there is only one solution. Get an private ageement in place with your ex and remove IRD from the picture. Unless they have a "signed by both parties" agreement or request to stop collecting CS then IRD will do what ever to recover the money. As for the teenage issue of "everything is greener on the other side" not much you can do their apart from be supportive and let her know that if it all goes to shit you will be there.
Good Luck.

[MSTRS:Me]

... through to those who end up paying several hundred a week if they are on a good income. ....

Try $3000 per month. One guy I know is paying this. The mother works, so she gets the lot. She also doesn't spend it on the kids, and tells them "they can't have, because Daddy doesn't pay enough".
The inequities of Child Support are huge.

[Paul in NZ]

This sounds a pretty terrible situation and I'm the first to be very thankful its not me asking the question...

However - if I look back at when our eldest was that age (say 14 to 17) then I have to say I wish now I was a LOT tougher than I was and now I think she might agree with me. Its a bloody tough time to be a parent for sure.... Girls at that age think they know it all but make some terrible choices, all you can do is put up with the venom and keep em safe untill they calm down! (as it was I got into fights, spat on, sworn at and even had to beat the crap out of stupid punks to keep that hellion semi safe - I really thought the stress of it was going to break me and our marriage at one point)

The one bit of useful advice I did get was to trust my better instincts and not listen the the twisted logic that these kids come up with. Parents usually try and do the best they can - don't be put off now, you are on the home straight!

I know this is not quite your situation BUT - to me it sounds like you are uneasy about it? One solution is to place some conditions such as your partner MUST be in proper employment, living arrangements must satisfy you and she must attend school etc. Failure on any one of these and what ever else you want she is back here pronto!

Also - Chicago... fark - while I didn't spend a lot of time there it sure wouldnt be my first choice. The winters are brutal and in some areas the crime etc is pretty grim. Like all of the USA, its a geat place IF you have money but its hell on earth if you don't.

One last thing - school... Sorry, she is going to be the outsider at school there, that can be bloody rough!

[86GSXR]

Hiya Sue, notwithstanding the exellent advice already given, I think you should consult a good family lawyer if you haven't already? It may cost a few $100.00 but it sounds as if you have a pretty good argument seeing as though you have legal custody. Whatever you might spend now could be worth it in terms of what it may cost you emotionally and financially in the future, and at the very least you'd have a definitve answer.

[MSTRS:Me]

Hiya Sue, notwithstanding the exellent advice already given, I think you should consult a good family lawyer if you haven't already? It may cost a few $100.00 but it sounds as if you have a pretty good argument seeing as though you have legal custody. Whatever you might spend now could be worth it in terms of what it may cost you emotionally and financially in the future, and at the very least you'd have a definitve answer.

Proactive. I like.

[kit]

Hmmm I'd hate to be put in this situation...it was a very unselfish thing you did letting her go to live with her father. Best thing is to come to an agreement outside of IRD if possible. But I'd follow my gut about letting her go overseas.....Gut instincts are normally right! Someone once told me "If your kids don't hate you at least once in your life your not doing your job as a parent properly" My daughter tells me she hates me about as much as she tells me she loves me lol!

[Duke girl]

Thank you to everyone who has so far replied to my post and has given some very good advice. Its so much appreciated and Yes this is to me a very difficult time and all I want to do is cry everytime I think about it. I personally feel that I have failed as a parent cos of her wanting to go and live with her Father and now wanting to go overseas with him. Parenting is the hardest thing any of us will do in our lives and trying to make the right decision when it comes to our sibblings isn't always easy nor correct but one must learn from their mistakes. Also using that word NO is to me hard to do at times because of the reaction one gets from those you have said it to.
I am going to get some legal advice regarding this matter so I know exactly where I stand and what my rights are.
Wish me luck.
Once again Thanks everyone for your support and here's hoping that it all turns out for the best in the end.

[Quasi]

Hi Skip - the position you are in is one that none of us as parents would want to even contemplate. There has been some great words given here and it does look as though some sound legal advise is the next step. You could start with a lawyer at a citizens advise bureau - which wont cost you anything.

Whatever happens - dont ever think you have failed as a parent - its the hardest job in the world - we all do the very best we can, relaying on gut instinct and intuition a lot of the time, getting it wrong a lot of the time. Its incredibly hard, but i think we all agree that the greatest gifts we have had in our lives are our our kids. Your daughter may think she is going off to have a wonderful new life with her father, but, you will always be her mum, she will come back to you, you have not let her down.

Big hug and lots of positive thoughts coming your way

[Ratti]

Hun, you havent failed as a parent.

You have done a fine job. She is confidant about making a big move, That would not have happend without your input over the years she has been growing up.

Once the legal thing is done and you know what is what, run with your gut instinct. You will be right.

As a thought, is it possible for him to leave money here for you to access immediatly should you let her go then have to haul her butt home again in a hurry?