How to help a friend in need?

[Gone Burger]

How do you help a friend during their darkest times?

I have been helping a good friend for a while now try to get through a very dark time in his life. Just when I thought we were making progress, good progress, he has slipped back into an awful place.

He sufferers from depression. He is being treated and I thought he was finally on the right medication. But he in now suicidal again, and I fear that this time he may be successful.

His family know, I keep in close contact with his mother. He is getting plenty of support through hospitals, has been through psych wards and has plenty of help on hand. But he doesn't think he can get better.

Has anyone supported someone through this situation before? If so, how did you help?

I have a lot going on myself and don't feel strong enough to give him the help that he needs, but if something happened to him, it would be on my shoulders for the rest of my life.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm afraid he has given himself a time limit, and a very short one at that.

[98tls]

First up your not responsible for anyones elses decisions in life other than your own so whatever the outcome dont take the blame upon yourself,there must be people out there paid big $ to help with such things,if i had a friend the same i would go make a whole lotta noise until someone takes notice and goes and makes contact with your friend,ive a mate with Bi-polar and unless he sticks to his meds things get well outta hand at times.Good luck and i repeat theres help available through the health system,you just have to make a lot of noise to get there attention.

[Milts]

I've had a friend with depression, nothing this serious, but a few things seem to help (besides happy pills).

Finding a hobby or activity which they can get really engaged in seems to help, mostly it's the keeping busy I think. Some things which seemed to help were simple, like reading, sewing projects, excercise etc. However the biggest help for this person was not being left alone - whenever they were spending time with their partner or friends, regardless of whether it was a planned group outing or just doing the usual household things together as friends, they seemed to cope much better.

I think as a friend the biggest thing (and often hardest if you're working as well) that you can give them is your time and attention. Stay engaged with them, spend time with them, often just cuddling up on the sofa to watch a movie can help change someone's mood for the time being at least.

Outside of all of this you can obviously help by seeing that they are getting the best professional help they can. Take a good look at http://www.depression.org.nz/ and see what they have to offer, but it sounds like they are getting this already.

If you fear they have set a time limit, give them a goal to work towards, or something to look forward to, at some point in the future. Not so far as to be out of sight, but something to look forward to in the near future can make a big difference to someone's state of mind.

It sounds like you're doing a good job already. It sucks if all you can give is your encouragement, but even that can make a difference. And as 98tls says, don't forget that all you can do is help them - ultimately they have final responsibility.

EDIT: Something which also helped no end was that my friend was able to articulate their needs/worries. Perhaps try to help your friend with this, or talk to others who know them/are helping them with this to try and figure out what their needs, desires, goals and worries are.

[Gone Burger]

I've had a friend with depression, nothing this serious, but a few things seem to help (besides happy pills).

Finding a hobby or activity which they can get really engaged in seems to help, mostly it's the keeping busy I think. Some things which seemed to help were simple, like reading, sewing projects, excercise etc. However the biggest help for this person was not being left alone - whenever they were spending time with their partner or friends, regardless of whether it was a planned group outing or just doing the usual household things together as friends, they seemed to cope much better.

I think as a friend the biggest thing (and often hardest if you're working as well) that you can give them is your time and attention. Stay engaged with them, spend time with them, often just cuddling up on the sofa to watch a movie can help change someone's mood for the time being at least.

Outside of all of this you can obviously help by seeing that they are getting the best professional help they can. Take a good look at http://www.depression.org.nz/ and see what they have to offer, but it sounds like they are getting this already.

If you fear they have set a time limit, give them a goal to work towards, or something to look forward to, at some point in the future. Not so far as to be out of sight, but something to look forward to in the near future can make a big difference to someone's state of mind.

It sounds like you're doing a good job already. It sucks if all you can give is your encouragement, but even that can make a difference. And as 98tls says, don't forget that all you can do is help them - ultimately they have final responsibility.

Thank you for your advice, it is greatly needed and appreciated.

Unfortunatly i can't be there for him as much as I need to be. He lives in auckland and I live down here. i am the only one he confides and and says these things to, and it tears me apart that I can't be there to actually go and see him, help him in person.

Tomorrow i am going to try and get him some different professional help, and make sure that his parents are fully aware of his mind set again. My concern is that he now wont take any calls or messages and left me with the thought he was going to try and harm himself tonight. I hope that my instincts are wrong (unfortunately they haven't been the past 3 times), and that I can find some more help in the morning.

I;m exhausted. If you knew me personally you would that I do not have the energy needed to focus on this right now, and I feel so very very helpless.

Silly bugga - thought he was stronger than this. been so good for months now.

cheers for your help you two - tonight it is helping me greatly with the heavy situation.

[SMOKEU]

One of my homies is in a similar situation, he has a history of long term depression and even the occasional 1X tendencies. It's usually a matter of the person in question either having too many drugs or not enough drugs, but which is which is anyones guess. Giving your friend a shitload of alcohol and a sympathetic ear is usually a quick fix.

[EJK]

Tell him that he means something in this life.
Give him hope (if YOU can).

But I'm sure you've already done and tried that.

Unfortunatly i can't be there for him as much as I need to be. He lives in auckland and I live down here. i am the only one he confides and and says these things to, and it tears me apart that I can't be there to actually go and see him, help him in person.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I once had a friend in need of help. There was nothing I can do but pray.

Like someone above said, looks like you are very concerned and doing a good job already (going the extra mile). I wish you and your friend that everything goes well.

[rainman]

(besides happy pills).

The standard happy pills are not a reliable fix unless the patient is very deeply depressed or believes strongly the pills will help them (kinda means they want to be helped) - SSRIs are not much better than placebos according to some studies. Doesn't mean they never work, just that they aren't the silver bullet some people think they are. Lifestyle changes are usually required to fix depression. The bugger is getting a depressed person to make major lifestyle changes, of course, and anyone who tries is a hero(ine), no matter the outcome.

Giving your friend a shitload of alcohol and a sympathetic ear is usually a quick fix.

This is VERY VERY bad advice. Alcohol and depression/manic depression DO NOT MIX. By all means deploy the sympathetic ear. But skip the booze.

Katiepie, if you can (might be tough from Wellington, though), get him out in the sunshine and fresh air, doing some exercise, making, creating, or growing things, doing things he hasn't done before, keeping busy. Milts' advice is generally good, particularly about trying to set a medium term goal. It's a long road to happiness though, so good luck to both of you.

And remember to look after yourself, too.

[Dogboy900]

All good advice above (except the alcohol thing of course).

All I can say is try to be there for them as much as possible. If you think they are going to harm themselves and you cannot physically reach them, try to get someone who can to visit them.
Some people with depression from what I have seen start cutting everyone out of their lives and the depression deepens. Its easy to ignore the phone, harder to ignore someone coming round.

Hope things work out for you both.

[Quasi]

Hi Katie,

I've PMed you, but you cant do this. If its got this bad, your friend needs to be seen by the mental health unit asap. He or his family should have all their details and they will be in contact with him immediately someone lets them know. They do an amazing job (well the Wairarapa unit does) and will get your friend in the right place to keep him safe and alive. Alert them now as it sounds like hes in a pretty bad place. You are doing the best possible thing you can as a friend by letting the right people know. You know where i am if you need a shoulder or a hug. X

[2wheeldrifter]

Carla's right.... you need to unload too and have someone for your needs as it's not just about him. This thread is a start.

Take care of number 1 first... thats you

Hope it doesn't get as bad as you think..

[mashman]

If you fear they have set a time limit, give them a goal to work towards, or something to look forward to, at some point in the future. Not so far as to be out of sight, but something to look forward to in the near future can make a big difference to someone's state of mind.

+1 some friends of mine are going through depression with their daughter... small, obtainable goals bring out her sense of achievement. She does lapse on occassions, but bounces back a lot quicker these days. Good Luck Katie...

[Paul in NZ]

Oh shit.... Seriously - don't take full responsibility for this yourself. Even the pros can only do so much and if the worst happens make sure you aint getting sucked down into it. I'm speaking from experience here! It can be as contagious as the flu if you don't have some personal defences.

The hardest thing seems to be every case is totally different and needs a different response. I find regular exercise and the self discipline that goes with it as good if not better than anything else.

The bit I struggled with when supporting someone else is the unreality of their view of the world...

[Gone Burger]

You all have wonderful advice, and I really appreciate it. A lot of this will help to me deal with the situation better, and try to get him through the other side.

Last night I called his best friends in Ausie and the UK. They all gave him a call and told him there cared about him. It seems that has helped greatly over the night and he hasn't tried anything. I have called his family to alert them of the situation and the frame of mind he is in. They are getting someone from the mental health unit to come around today to visit him.

Alas he he now cut off all communication with me. He doesn't want me to contact him anymore, or get anyone else involved. Its a good thing that I'm not going to pay any attention to that. He needs help again, and is not at the stage of realising that yet. That's why I am here for.

The last three times that he has harmed himself, he has been extremely lucky to come out the other side. He has spent a lot of time in the emergency department. I do believe he will try something again, and if I can just get him help on hand in time, we might be on the right side of things!

Phew - this is exhausting and that was a very long night. But I think I am making good progress. So thank you all for the support and messages, they are worth their weight in gold to me!

My mother also suffers greatly from depression, but thankfully not to this same level. I have a lot to learn how to be supportive, and will do some research tonight so that I can have some helpful knowledge myself.

[duckonin]

[QUOTE=Katiepie;1129802967]How do you help a friend during their darkest times?

By just being that (A friend). come what may you are his friend, he at least has a person with him in his time of need .

[Maha]

I supported myself when in a very very bad place in the late 90's.
I wont go into the details on how I got there suffice to say that, I had lost (well I thought I had) everything I had up until that point.
Even my bank balance was at $0.00.
A cold winters day, it all came and got me while I was at work, I was some 30 minutes from my work base (onsite) I had not a clue on how to start my trade job, it was worst feeling. The previous 10 ten years of my life was there to wreck me. I drove back to my work base crying the whole way. My father worked where I worked, I walked into his office and feel to his knees.

That was the begining of who I am today.
My parents were there for me (thats is paramount)
I worked through every issue, one at a time. (gets results that way)
I didnt want everyone I knew knowing what I was going through (big rule)
I eventually moved away from the rot that had slowly taken over my life. (massive relief)

How to Help a Friend?
Just be there.