Married couple jokes

[marie_speeds]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fark your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

****************************************

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

[marie_speeds]

[Banditbandit]

[marie_speeds]

[lankyman]

Mrs Jones walks into the doctors surgery with black eyes and a bruised face.

Mrs Jones: "Doctor...I just don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home from the pub he beats me black and blue"

Doctor: "We have the perfect medicine for this. All you need to do when you hear your husband pull in the driveway after a night at the pub is take a sip of sweet tea and swish it in you mouth. Just keep on swishing....swish swish swish....until he is in bed and is asleep"


Mrs Jones goes away and returns to the surgery 3 weeks later looking revived and refreshed.


Mrs Jones: "Doctor your cure worked! Every night that my husband came home from the pub I had a brew of sweet tea waiting and I took a sip and swished it in my mouth, swish swish swish, and he went straight to bed without even touching me!"

Doctor: "See how it helps when you keep your mouth shut"

[Edbear]

The male is a domestic animal who, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. -
Jilly Cooper