Spousal abuse and anger management

[SS90]

I have no sympathy for any partner that abuses their spouse or opposite partner. There is no justifiable excuse for physical force except as self defense.
It is a sad state of affairs here in NZ with such a high rate of domestic violence. It's very prolific in lower social demographic portions of society with Maori and Pacific Island cultures having the highest offending charge rates.
In saying that, it is most certainly not restricted to those people groups. All Men need to take responsibility for there emotional state and learn to act responsibly and rationally.
It is a lack of control of ones emotional state, and the thinking that losing an argument is being wrong. Men especially find it very hard to drop an argument and want to win at all cost. These men are often up against partners who are also strong willed and charismatic which adds fuel to the fire as they come to logger heads.
It is a shame that in schools, they don't teach more about conflict resolution and self control.
Something needs to change, there is no reasonable excuse to physically or emotionally assault the person you pertain to love.

Leaving an argument is not losing an argument. An argument differed is anger defused.

I would argue that the only reason NZ instances of domestic violence are so high, is because what constiutes as domestic violence in NZ does not constitute as domestic violence in many other countries.....
........a man raising his voce to a woman is considered domestic violence in NZ...... Someone reports it... it goes in the statistics.....

[scissorhands]

Fark me women are 100% blameless victims lol

[Patrick]

....

Ladies are sweet and lovely and never deserve what they are going through.

Corrected for accuracy.....

.... He arrived there, drunk, punched her in the face, knocking her off the low balcony they were on and then kicking her on the ground.

The only witness was her friend, yet he is claiming she invited him and is going to produce three witnesses for his side.

Kicking anyone on the ground is just cowardice. Dunno what you call it when a bloke does it to a chick. Lower than a snakes arsehole.

[Edbear]

It seems some haven't read the thread properly. I've clearly explained the circumstances of these two women and acknowledged that in some cases the woman may be the insitigator, it's not an exclusively male thing, yet it would appear some may be thinking the violence justifiable in certain circumstances?

What has happened to these women is plainly not acceptable under any circumstances and even if provoked it is a weakness on the man's part to resort to violence against a defenseless, weaker person. "She provoked me!" is a cop-out! As I said, maybe she is pushing your buttons, (again, not the case here!), but one can only "push your buttons" with your permission! Again, if she is, it means there is something wrong that needs addressing, not a knee-jerk reaction to.

How can anyone possibly defend punching a woman to the ground and kicking her while she's down?

[Edbear]

Corrected for accuracy.....

Kicking anyone on the ground is just cowardice. Dunno what you call it when a bloke does it to a chick. Lower than a snakes arsehole.

LOL!!! Some "ladies" are far from sweet and lovely, but even so, such attacks are never justifed. The only time I can possibly think physical violence against a woman may be justified is if said woman is bigger and stronger than you and is beating the living daylights out of you! How common would that be, though?

Some posts would appear to be saying the man is so weak of mind that he can be overpowered and manipulated by a woman and that's an excuse for all sorts of mistreatment and disrespect. My response to this excuse is to "man-up", grow a backbone and start taking responsibility for yourself and your actions.

[tamarillo]

I deplore all abuse - both physical and emotional. And in doing so elude to my point - BOTH hurt, BOTH are deplorable. Good on women for making sure physical abuse is not tolerated and can be talked about. Pity men are such wimps at talking out about the emotional abuse they can suffer.

[Number One]

Good on women for making sure physical abuse is not tolerated and can be talked about. Pity men are such wimps at talking out about the emotional abuse they can suffer.

I have a real issue with the strong assumption that seems to be out there that only women suffer and as such have a problem with abuse and that it is just women who have spoken out against it. OR that only men suffer from emotional abuse and of course it comes from that wicked bitch of a wife/partner

MEN and WOMEN and CHILDREN are abused in their domestic situations AND many men are involved in fighting for the cause of making it an untolerated act AND every we are all capable of being an abuser.....LONG way to go yet I think until it is talked about openly and honestly

Abuse is wrong whomever it is done to and however it is delivered - as they say there is more than one way to skin a cat...

...on another note....I thought the whole 'are you ok' campaign was about 'domestic abuse' taking into account physical and verbal forms of abuse in families....or is it just about women being beaten by their men?

[rustyrobot]

I deplore all abuse - both physical and emotional. And in doing so elude to my point - BOTH hurt, BOTH are deplorable. Good on women for making sure physical abuse is not tolerated and can be talked about. Pity men are such wimps at talking out about the emotional abuse they can suffer.

I think that men don't talk about the emotional and physical abuse they suffer because other men don't take them seriously. It is on us to make sure that we listen and treat those accusations seriously. That includes making the cops accountable when they say 'get over it' or laugh at men who complain of abuse.

It is solely by women standing up and saying 'this can not continue', and then some men listening and joining their call, that our society has finally woken up to the level of domestic violence in our communities and done something about it.

We must, as 'number one' says, also stand up and say ALL ABUSE is unacceptable. In my work I come across a lot of men who try and use women's psychological abuse to justify their own violence (and psychological/emotional abusive behaviour), and this is not the same thing at all. The statistics around violent injury and death are clear. Men are responsible for most of the violence in our society, against women and against other men. This means that we take responsibility for that, not look to hide that fact by going on about how women abuse too. YES, some women are violent, some are abusive in other ways, and that needs to end, but it doesn't mean we ignore what men are doing.

I personally have great hopes for men to step above this history of family violence, and I support men in that journey. I have great hopes for women to step out of their abusive behaviours too. I am a man so I see my primary work being with men, and I support women who want to help women change.

[rustyrobot]

...on another note....I thought the whole 'are you ok' campaign was about 'domestic abuse' taking into account physical and verbal forms of abuse in families....or is it just about women being beaten by their men?

I believe it is about domestic abuse in all forms.

[Gone Burger]

Agreed - mental absue can sometimes be just as damaging as physical abuse. And often this is not recognised as an abusive relationship because there is no violence. But the mind is a very very powerful tool, and can also be so incredibly damaged by situations like this.

Edbear, these two friends of yours sound like they have ended up in situations, through no fault of their own, that is very difficult to deal with. And its takes a huge amount of courage and support around them to be able to battle it head on, and put their best interests first, and their children. You often hear people say, why do women ever get involved with men like this to begin with, they are just asking for trouble. But people change, and often abusive people (yes I say people because we all know it can be both men and women) are very good at putting on a good show for a while, not letting their true colours show until a little or a lot further down the track.

I wish these two women all the best. And they will both be needing a friend like you Ed to get strength from, so you being there is already being a huge help to them. It's very cruel what happens to some people in life, when they are sure not deserving of it. I can only hope it doesn't damage them as women, and that they can learn to re-build their self esteem and trust again in due course when they are safe and away from their partners for good.

[Edbear]

I have a real issue with the strong assumption that seems to be out there that only women suffer and as such have a problem with abuse and that it is just women who have spoken out against it. OR that only men suffer from emotional abuse and of course it comes from that wicked bitch of a wife/partner

MEN and WOMEN and CHILDREN are abused in their domestic situations AND many men are involved in fighting for the cause of making it an untolerated act AND every we are all capable of being an abuser.....LONG way to go yet I think until it is talked about openly and honestly

Abuse is wrong whomever it is done to and however it is delivered - as they say there is more than one way to skin a cat...

...on another note....I thought the whole 'are you ok' campaign was about 'domestic abuse' taking into account physical and verbal forms of abuse in families....or is it just about women being beaten by their men?

The reason I started this thread was to get poeple's opinions on the topic and I agree with your post. The situations I posted are specific to them and not the only stories out there. Regrettably, this type of situation is the most common and probably why the TV ads have begun with this.

Child abuse is just as reprehensible and I welcome thoughts on this as well. The whole subject of abuse needs to be talked about in the open and people need to stand up and be counted.

[Edbear]

Agreed - mental absue can sometimes be just as damaging as physical abuse. And often this is not recognised as an abusive relationship because there is no violence. But the mind is a very very powerful tool, and can also be so incredibly damaged by situations like this.

Edbear, these two friends of yours sound like they have ended up in situations, through no fault of their own, that is very difficult to deal with. And its takes a huge amount of courage and support around them to be able to battle it head on, and put their best interests first, and their children. You often hear people say, why do women ever get involved with men like this to begin with, they are just asking for trouble. But people change, and often abusive people (yes I say people because we all know it can be both men and women) are very good at putting on a good show for a while, not letting their true colours show until a little or a lot further down the track.

I wish these two women all the best. And they will both be needing a friend like you Ed to get strength from, so you being there is already being a huge help to them. It's very cruel what happens to some people in life, when they are sure not deserving of it. I can only hope it doesn't damage them as women, and that they can learn to re-build their self esteem and trust again in due course when they are safe and away from their partners for good.

Most abusers are very good at hiding their true selves and really can turn on the charm to obtain their desired "possession." This is how they view their partner, as a possession they own and can do with as they please. Mental abuse and manipulation are used to keep the victim in their control.

[Usarka]

Regrettably, this type of situation is the most common and probably why the TV ads have begun with this.

You mean "most commonly reported"

[scissorhands]

I was up for MAF a few years back.

The long term girlfriend kept on arriving at my house drunk or intoxicated on drugs ( I was a tee total at the time) and would invariably get nasty and throw her latest conquests in my face, be cruel and mentally and emotionally very very manipulative and nasty as. She damaged my 100year old front door, and windows and deck roof while breaking into my home.

She had major issues, but because she was 20 years younger and attractive I put up with her shit. My having undiagnosed autism didnt help me either.

I called 111 on 8 separate occasions because she would not leave my property when asked. Each time police removed her, twice she did a night in the cells, once she stripped off and ran up and down the road naked, all to the neighbours delight. She was never charged, even after 8 removals

Eventually during a struggle she suffered a fat lip, as she often attacked me physically as well as verbally.

This time she called 111 and I was locked up for the night, and charged with male assaults female, which was dropped by police. I think the cops were pretty sick and tired of being called out to my home by then. So finally after the maf charge was dropped, I refused the relationship and she made 2 suicide calls to me, one time the police found her on the roof of her mothers 2 level townhouse

2 years later after causing all sorts of grief for all sorts of people, she was charged with criminal harassment by police, for screwing her best friends man and then writing hate letters to people pretending to be her ex best friend....

Anyway......

The shame amongst my peers that I went through, because of my being in love with this pathologically dishonest woman.....the ugly campaign she began to ruin my reputation amongst common friends and acquaintances, the corruption of others through her lies and dishonesty and unwillingness to take responsibility for her own poor behaviour.....

Is probably quite common fare by my reckoning....

She was expelled from St Cunts and Takapuna Grammer, and had a primary teacher fired for disciplining her. Her mother defends her constantly(lives with the mother), and is largely responsible for validating her poor behaviour.

This thread may do the same.......

[Usarka]

You should have smashed her bro.