Spousal abuse and anger management

**Edbear** · 29th August 2010, 12:40

A couple of dear friends are going through the nastiness of court cases and breakup due to spousal abuse. One is in the US and one here. Circumstances are slightly different in that the lady in the US was subjected to mainly emotional abuse by an alcoholic whereas the lady here was beaten up with the accompanying Police photos, and what goes along with that. But again the fuel was alcohol.

The similarities are that both men lied in court and both have "found" witnesses for their side. Neither accepts any responsibility and blame the victim. Children are involved, and the one in the US has lost her protection order for her 7 year old, he hit and hurt him while drunk, but the court did impose conditions that he may not drink any alcohol 24hrs prior to and during the visitations. He can have his son every weekend. She said that when off the booze he's a good Dad, so she's not too worried. He is trying to find out where she is living though, as she is in a refuge.

The lady here, (both are in their mid-40's), has a teenage daughter at home and has an alarm in her home with direct line to the Police.

Both ladies are mild and sweet and wouldn't hurt a fly. Both are quite little, only 5'2", gentle and loving people.

I went through this with one of my daughters a few years ago and learned a lot about the subject. Being a man who simply couldn't bring himself to hurt a woman no matter what the provocation I have no sympathy for any man who assaults a woman and can punch and kick a vulnerable person who is so much smaller and weaker.

That these men can then lie in court, dig up questionable "witnesses" to defend themselves while saying "sorry" to their partners and asking them to drop all charges, is despicable in the extreme.

Men say that women "know which buttons to press" and certainly that is true, (Hey, I've been married coming up 33 years!

), but this is also a cop-out and no excuse for violence. If you are smart enough to know she's "pressing your buttons", you're smart enough to deactivate those buttons and see beyond the words. Hitting her is not acceptable!

"She made me do it!" is an excuse that only shows how weak and pathetic you are as a person. And alcohol is always used as an excuse, but again it's a cop-out. Alcohol doesn't make you violent unless you are a violent person to begin with, it just reduces your inhibitions.

Anyway that's my rant for the day. These ladies are sweet and lovely and never deserve what they are going through.

**marie_speeds** · 29th August 2010, 12:54

Some guys don't need alcohol though to do the abusing. Some just get mad when one doesn't do as one's told...

**Number One** · 29th August 2010, 12:55

That was cheery - thanks for sharing...

Hope the ladies concerned get some peace and can move on from these gutless wankers effectively in time....

**Edbear** · 29th August 2010, 12:57

Originally Posted by marie_speeds

Some guys don't need alcohol though to do the abusing. Some just get mad when one doesn't do as one's told...

You're right of course. Sadly...

**Virago** · 29th August 2010, 13:36

Is is quite normal for the supporters in such cases to be completely polarised toward one side. However, it is seldom that one party is completely fault free, and the lies, manipulation, and vendettas usually come from both sides.

I agree that there is no excuse for violence. But it is not uncommon for otherwise reasonable and mild-mannered people to become unhinged when faced with vindictive manipulation - particularly when a devoted parent is being denied access to their children as "punishment".

Your description of the cases suggests that the men involved have major problems. But it is seldom a 100% blame situation.

**Edbear** · 29th August 2010, 13:56

Originally Posted by Virago

Is is quite normal for the supporters in such cases to be completely polarised toward one side. However, it is seldom that one party is completely fault free, and the lies, manipulation, and vendettas usually come from both sides.

I agree that there is no excuse for violence. But it is not uncommon for otherwise reasonable and mild-mannered people to become unhinged when faced with vindictive manipulation - particularly when a devoted parent is being denied access to their children as "punishment".

Your description of the cases suggests that the men involved have major problems. But it is seldom a 100% blame situation.

Nobody is perfect and I know of cases where the man is the victim of maliciousness as well. What I am specifically against here is the unwarranted abuse for which there is no excuse. In the case of my friend in the US, she is genuinely nice and had been trying for a long time to keep the peace and encourage her husband to get help for his drinking. She'd been walking on egg shells for a long time, but the physical violence was the last straw.

Neither of these women had done anything deserving of violence and the continuing attitude of the men demonstrates their character. The reverse can be true and violent acts are not the sole preserve of the male of the species, neither is drunkenness, it just happens that these two cases are where the woman is the victim.

As I said, I've been married for a long time, I know the tricks and tribulations, but as for me I simply could not bring myself to hurt a woman, sober or drunk. There are men out there who are capable and willing to terrorise and abuse women regardless of circumstance, who are domineering cowards.

**Edbear** · 29th August 2010, 14:07

PS. In these cases, neither woman is lying, manipulating or conducting any vendetta. The lady in the US wants her son to have relationship with his father and only desires that he undergo the anger management and alcohol abuse programs the courts have imposed upon him, course he does not want to do.

Her son is disgusted with his father that he lied in court to say it was she who hurt him, not his Dad.

The lady here, a quiet mouse of a woman, sweet, attractive and caring, left her husband because of the violence and drinking and when she was with a friend, made the mistake of letting him know where she was, but did not want to see him. He arrived there, drunk, punched her in the face, knocking her off the low balcony they were on and then kicking her on the ground.

The only witness was her friend, yet he is claiming she invited him and is going to produce three witnesses for his side.

**MIXONE** · 29th August 2010, 14:11

Woman always know which buttons to push which is why, when it happens, the man should just walk out the door.Timeout is always far better then violence.
Remember though that, even though knowing which buttons to push ,most of the fairer sex don't push them.

**Edbear** · 29th August 2010, 14:21

Originally Posted by MIXONE

Woman always know which buttons to push which is why, when it happens, the man should just walk out the door.Timeout is always far better then violence.
Remember though that, even though knowing which buttons to push ,most of the fairer sex don't push them.

Granted. If the woman is pressing your buttons, better to address the reason why, as it means all is not well in the household. As I said, if you know she's doing it you can deactivate the buttons. Firstly, don't react; that takes away that weapon, then when in a calm mood and agreeable time, talk to each other about the relationship, really trying to understand the other's view as communication is an art form and many people have difficulty in expressing themselves effectively and honestly.

**Brian d marge** · 29th August 2010, 20:49

Originally Posted by Virago

Is is quite normal for the supporters in such cases to be completely polarised toward one side. However, it is seldom that one party is completely fault free, and the lies, manipulation, and vendettas usually come from both sides.

I agree that there is no excuse for violence. But it is not uncommon for otherwise reasonable and mild-mannered people to become unhinged when faced with vindictive manipulation - particularly when a devoted parent is being denied access to their children as "punishment".

Your description of the cases suggests that the men involved have major problems. But it is seldom a 100% blame situation.

Have to agree with this
and add that women tend to be much smarter than us blokes , who would stand a shit show in a head to head
it does take two to tango , and a marriage is one hell of a dance

Stephen

**Brian d marge** · 29th August 2010, 20:56

Over here, the man is the lord of the manor ( so they think )

it will be hard to fathom , and I don't want to go into that , but its quite common for a man sitting next to a refrigerator , to ask the wife , in the next room to get a beer for him
she walks from the next room to the refrigerator , ( which he is sitting next to ) and get a beer for him

I tried that once

Stephen

ps , does anyone know how to make the outhouse more comfortable at night , I just cant seem to sleep well out there

**Rogue Rider** · 29th August 2010, 21:17

I have no sympathy for any partner that abuses their spouse or opposite partner. There is no justifiable excuse for physical force except as self defense.
It is a sad state of affairs here in NZ with such a high rate of domestic violence. It's very prolific in lower social demographic portions of society with Maori and Pacific Island cultures having the highest offending charge rates.
In saying that, it is most certainly not restricted to those people groups. All Men need to take responsibility for there emotional state and learn to act responsibly and rationally.
It is a lack of control of ones emotional state, and the thinking that losing an argument is being wrong. Men especially find it very hard to drop an argument and want to win at all cost. These men are often up against partners who are also strong willed and charismatic which adds fuel to the fire as they come to logger heads.
It is a shame that in schools, they don't teach more about conflict resolution and self control.
Something needs to change, there is no reasonable excuse to physically or emotionally assault

the person you pertain to love.

Leaving an argument is not losing an argument. An argument differed is anger defused.

**Virago** · 29th August 2010, 21:22

Originally Posted by Rogue Rider

I have no sympathy for any partner that abuses their spouse or opposite partner. There is no justifiable excuse for physical force except as self defense.
It is a sad state of affairs here in NZ with such a high rate of domestic violence. It's very prolific in lower social demographic portions of society with Maori and Pacific Island cultures having the highest offending charge rates.
In saying that, it is most certainly not restricted to those people groups. All Men need to take responsibility for there emotional state and learn to act responsibly and rationally.
It is a lack of control of ones emotional state, and the thinking that losing an argument is being wrong. Men especially find it very hard to drop an argument and want to win at all cost. These men are often up against partners who are also strong willed and charismatic which adds fuel to the fire as they come to logger heads.
It is a shame that in schools, they don't teach more about conflict resolution and self control.
Something needs to change, there is no reasonable excuse to physically or emotionally assault

the person you pertain to love.

Leaving an argument is not losing an argument. An argument differed is anger defused.

Reading that in conjunction with your signature is rather funny...