theyre a bit long for the text jokes thread

A man and a wife have an argument one morning and off he goes to work and reaises that he is wrong.
He spends his day trying to work out how to make it up to her.
To top his problem off he is late home from work that night and he knows that he'll have to do something EXTRA SPECIAL for his wife.

When he finally gets home, his house is dark and everyone is in bed. So he sneaks into the bedroom, puts his head under the covers of his bed (at the feet) and goes down.. he can feel its going great and he gives her the biggest orgasm that shes felt.

Feeling quite happy with himself as he finished, he goes to the bathroom to clean up, brush his teeth etc.
In the bathroom is standing - his wife!
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE" he asks ...
"Shhhhhhh!" she replies .. "your mother is asleep in the bedroom"



I was asked to do a 10 mile 'Fun Run'.

I said "Piss off". They said "come on, it's for spastics and blind kids". Then I thought... F*ck it, I could win this.


a kid comes home from school and says to his mum "mum ive got a problem"
she says "tell me." he tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesnt understand. she asks him what they are.
he says, "well, pussy and bitch."
she says "oh thats no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and a bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
he thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop. "dad the boys at school are using 2 words i dont know, and i asked mum and i dont think she told me the exact meaning."
dad says, "son, i told you never to go to mum with these matters, she cant handle them. what are the words?"
son tells him "pussy and bitch."
dad says "ok," and pulls a playboy mag down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centrefold and says "son, everything inside this circle is a pussy"
"ok dad, whats a bitch?"
"son," he says, "everything outside that circle"



Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year and every year Ken would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.'
One year Ken and Edna went to the fair and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Edna replied, 'Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Ken replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, 'Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'