OK, I'm a muppet. (You knew that, right?)
Fooled by the sudden transition from Go to No-Go, I definitely had been over-thinking it. (I mean, I kind of knew it was just a poked battery, but was also worried about the immobiliser, the mongoose alarm thing, the odd behaviour of the right rear indicator lately, global warming, all that stuff).
Finally managed to steal the Wife's car and go get a battery (with two cars and one bike in the household, not much urgency really.)
...then had to go swap it for another one (more expensive, with "European" written on it, woo hoo) because the normal one wouldn't fit.
And then it started first turn of the key.
Thanks to everyone who commented. It was all useful.
Now I'm off to the I.T. forum to ask about setting the clock...
Measure once, cut twice. Practice makes perfect.
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