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Thread: Exercise for people over 50

  1. #1
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    Exercise for people over 50

    Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.


    With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

    Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

    Then try 50-lb potato bags. Eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

    After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
    Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow aren’t just the 4 cycles of an engine

  2. #2
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    History lesson

    So why did the English wear red coats in battle?

    A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him.

    Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

    In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

    And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.
    Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow aren’t just the 4 cycles of an engine

  3. #3
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    Arabs

    A young Arab asks his father:



    What is this weird hat that we are wearing ?



    It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun !



    And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ?



    It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body !



    And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?



    These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert !



    Tell me, papa...



    Yes, my son ?



    Why are we living in Mt Roskill and still wearing all this shit ?
    Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow aren’t just the 4 cycles of an engine

  4. #4
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    Irish jokes

    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

    'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

    'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

    'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

    'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

    'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

    That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'


    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

    A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

    'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

    'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

    'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

    'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

    'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'


    Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

    He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

    She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

    The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

    She says, 'That he did, Father.'

    The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

    She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'


    AND THE BEST FOR LAST . . .

    A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

    The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

    Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

    The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.
    Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow aren’t just the 4 cycles of an engine

  5. #5
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    In deference to the Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as .....''British Weather.'

    Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as
    'Muslim Weather.'

    Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite
    Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow aren’t just the 4 cycles of an engine

  6. #6
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    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
    She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
    She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
    She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

    'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room , 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

    The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

    The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

    'Yes, I do' she replies..

    The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
    'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

    'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continues.. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

    'I remember that too' she replies softly.

    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ...

    'I would have been released today.'
    Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow aren’t just the 4 cycles of an engine

  7. #7
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    1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive.

    2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew

    3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

    4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents r usting..

    5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

    6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

    7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

    8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

    9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refresh- able ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

    10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

    11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

    12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

    13 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

    14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

    15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

    And dumb old me- - - I've only been drinking the stuff
    Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow aren’t just the 4 cycles of an engine

  8. #8
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    A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

    "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

    While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

    "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
    Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow aren’t just the 4 cycles of an engine

  9. #9
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    Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, “Grandma, what's that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”
    She was a little taken back, but she decided to tell him the truth. “It's called sexual intercourse, darling”

    Little Tony said, “Oh, OK”, and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse, It's called Bunk Beds, and Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.”
    Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow aren’t just the 4 cycles of an engine

  10. #10
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    As we end the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

    I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

    I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

    I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

    Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

    I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

    I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

    I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

    I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

    I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena will grant my every wish .

    I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

    I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

    THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

    BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

    I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

    I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

    AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

    I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

    AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.



    AND LASTLY, I keep my toothbrush in the living room because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

    If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician .

    NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A WONDERFUL DAY………….AND A HEALTHY LIFE…………….
    Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow aren’t just the 4 cycles of an engine

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