Dealing with "it"

[shrub]

Real men cry, mate.
It is NOT 'weak' to show emotions. Do you let people see/hear when you are angry? Yes?
What's the difference.

Fuck yes. Many years ago I thought crying was weak, and I went through a pretty hideous marriage breakup that left me ripped open and bloody. I was visiting a good mate who is probably one of the hardest bastards I have ever known - ex pom SAS did 2 tours in Northern Ireland in the 80s, then worked in "security" in West Africa for a couple of years, and he said "have you cried?". Wanting to be seen as a hard bastard too I put on my staunch face and replied "fuck no". His answer was "that's half your problem. I'd be a blubbering mess if I was where you are, crying is the best therapy possible".

It took time and whisky, but I learned to cry and it was what I needed. Today I have no shame in crying if it's appropriate and believe it's as healthy and normal as laughing when you're happy or shouting when you're angry. It allows you to experience the grief in it's entirety and then to release it from you so you can move on. And it's kind of a mark of respect for your mate - you're saying "your loss has hit me hard and I am willing to cry for you because you were important to me".

[scumdog]

And it's kind of a mark of respect for your mate - you're saying "your loss has hit me hard and I am willing to cry for you because you were important to me".

Only inside your own head.

Your mate won't know of your thoughts.

But whatever helps, grief is an individual thing, we all 'handle' it in our own ways.

[racefactory]

Only inside your own head.

Your mate won't know of your thoughts.

But whatever helps, grief is an individual thing, we all 'handle' it in our own ways.

Oh come on hard man, you know what he means.

[shrub]

Oh come on hard man, you know what he means.

Nah, he's a traffic cop, he has no idea what I'm talking about.

[FROSTY:Me]

That's half the problem.
Time IS a great healer, but unless the emotion is dealt with appropriately, time only provides eventual relief via 'out of sight, out of mind'. Add cumulative losses, and there's not enough time. Each loss brings back memories of the ones that went before, and weren't really dealt with.

I think you've pretty well nailed where I'm at mate.The skin seems to get thinner and thinner as time goes by.
And mon showing emotions. Crying isn't something I seem to be able to do. Wish I could.

[george formby]

The last time I was moved enough to cry I did. Grabbed a semi stranger & had a good weep on their shoulder. Part of me said suppress it & part of me said I needed to let it out, so I did. I felt much better once I had wiped the tears & mucus away. My head was much clearer to think about what had happened & come to terms with it when I was no longer an emotional volcano.

We have to grieve in our own way, not how we perceive others think we should. You cannot be a complete person if do not express your full range of emotion.

[FROSTY:Me]

Dont have any mates in the first place ?

As sarcastic as that sounds I'm kinda thinking that myself.
Dunno how the diggers in WW1 or WW2 coped.
Of for gosh sakes the freinds n families of hundreds in Christchurch and thousands in Japan.

[EJK]

I don't want to step out of the line or anything, but would like to share this (or to anyone).
http://www.appleseeds.org/miss_me.htm

I remember reading it from somewhere and thought might help?

[MSTRS:Me]

I think you've pretty well nailed where I'm at mate.The skin seems to get thinner and thinner as time goes by.
And mon showing emotions. Crying isn't something I seem to be able to do. Wish I could.

Of course you can. If you're feeling the grief and desperate sadness inside, you can cry. You're just so practised at bottling it inside...you might need to have someone with you to help. Could be a friend, could be a total stranger. Depends. Some feel more 'comfortable' with a close friend who knows you well and you trust not to belittle you. Others prefer the stranger option...someone that isn't important to you, so ity doesn't matter to you that they see you being vulnerable.

[wysper]

And it's kind of a mark of respect for your mate - you're saying "your loss has hit me hard and I am willing to cry for you because you were important to me".

I like this.

I also like the 'celebrate their lives and what you did have' type comments too.

Along the lines of "dont cry for what you have lost, smile for what you have had"
At least the sentiment of that thought.

[avgas]

Multiple ways frost.
Sometimes you breakdown or snap.
I have been known to vent it all into a punching bag before, until my knuckles bled and you could see bone.
There is no magic answer. But the key is to get it out.
The stuff is heavier than anything. And weighs you down. I know many people whom have never moved forward in their lives due to trying to hold their sadness inside.

Just remember, inside a helmet at 200kph.....no one can hear you scream.

[FROSTY:Me]

Of course you can. If you're feeling the grief and desperate sadness inside, you can cry. You're just so practised at bottling it inside...you might need to have someone with you to help. Could be a friend, could be a total stranger. Depends. Some feel more 'comfortable' with a close friend who knows you well and you trust not to belittle you. Others prefer the stranger option...someone that isn't important to you, so ity doesn't matter to you that they see you being vulnerable.

Mate--you know me about as well as anyone not in my family. I really can't cry.

[cowboyz]

Mate--you know me about as well as anyone not in my family. I really can't cry.

you dont have to cry. what you do have to do is not put yourself in a position where you feel like you have to defend yourself for not crying or feeling bad about not. What I think you need is simply to feel. Allow yourself to feel whatever you want to and give yourself permission to. If that means you cry then thats fine... but if it means you dont then thats ok too.

[Spearfish]

at least 10 characters.

[jim.cox]

, maybe a mutual friend of the mate you lost is a good way to start.

Or just splurge all over an internet forum...