Dealing with "it"

**FROSTY:Me** · 8th April 2011, 09:29

Hey guys I know it ain't the stuff that manly blokes talk about but I'm just not dealing with this real well.
I've buried a lot of mates over the years and usually I retreat into myself and wear the plastic smiley face facade for awhile.
I wait untill l all emotion about the person is well and truely boxed up in its own little compartment.
I guess it's called HTFU. But ya know that bites me on the ass pretty darned hard. Usuually when I least expect it.
So how do "real men" actually deal with it when a mate unexpectedly dies?

**MSTRS:Me** · 8th April 2011, 09:41

Real men cry, mate.
It is NOT 'weak' to show emotions. Do you let people see/hear when you are angry? Yes?
What's the difference.

**cowboyz** · 8th April 2011, 09:50

you deal with it the best way you can. Try to remember the good things and TALK. Process and then move on and be thankful for the time you had.

**scumdog** · 8th April 2011, 09:51

Mainly shrug my shoulders.

And have another drink.

**marie_speeds** · 8th April 2011, 09:51

Just talking about stuff helps... Like what you are doing now. Everyone deals with grief and loss in their own way... Deal with yours how you want to and how you feel is right for you and not how you think society thinks you should behave.

**AllanB** · 8th April 2011, 09:58

Go for a fast ride.

Fucked if I know mate - we are conditioned in NZ not to discuss this shit.

The Maoris have a good way of remembering and celebrating ones life that goes on for several days - unlike the 45 minute service and cup-o-T that is the norm for the rest.

**Spearfish** · 8th April 2011, 10:02

at least 10 characters.

**MSTRS:Me** · 8th April 2011, 10:24

Originally Posted by Spearfish

Give it time Frosty

That's half the problem.
Time IS a great healer, but unless the emotion is dealt with appropriately, time only provides eventual relief via 'out of sight, out of mind'. Add cumulative losses, and there's not enough time. Each loss brings back memories of the ones that went before, and weren't really dealt with.

**ellipsis** · 8th April 2011, 10:25

...its fairly true that we generally can count our true friends on the fingers of one hand, maybe a couple more if you are lucky...losing four of mine over a 7 year period
has made me very aware of the couple left and more appreciative of the time I can be with them...time does settle the waters of life...doesnt take the tides away ,tho...I have had a couple of really good nights in my shed when we have all been there...even down to laughing and swearing at each other...I haven't punched the wall in anger for a long while and my girl doesn't make a big thing of it when I do get quiet and introspective and salty water leaks out of the head...I ride a departed mates bike...we go fast together..cackle a lot and still break the rules...it has made me pretty scathing of cocksucks, wannabes and hangers-on tho...and very aware of how close we all are to the other side of life...time takes and time heals Frosty... and now my knees are wet...rock on and smile knowing that you are lucky enough to have known them...

**scissorhands** · 8th April 2011, 10:28

Sounds as if your already dealing with it writing here. Does raise a lot of questions when the numbers get up.... Hope becomes the antidote for despair, but to have hope, conditions have to be conducive.

Living in a ghetto would be hope poor or hopeless, and would require a shift to become hopeful.

Sorry to hear of the loss of a mate. Makes you wish you had been more generous, done more, when they are gone

**superman** · 8th April 2011, 10:35

Whatever you do mate don't go and exercise. That guy's a bloody lier, made me feel sooo much worse.

Best thing is thinking over the memories you've had, as you are doing. Things like that never go away, but you always have the memories. Eventually with time it goes down to a point where you can cope, it's just getting to that point which sucks but there's no way to avoid it.

**ducatilover** · 8th April 2011, 10:36

Cup of tea and a tug.

i usually find a nice plump chest to rest/cry on, talk to other mates, ride the bike and drink (Not the best idea, especially coming from a psych and rehab student

)

**spajohn** · 8th April 2011, 10:38

In most cases where it has been friends my other mates and I have all been able to get together and have a good session telling stories about our departed and generally laughing thinking about the good times. Last year a mate passed away from cancer, just before his 40th, and friends put together a tribute on Youtube from photos which I can't help but look at from time to time. Mostly we talk about how we feel and try our best not to forget.

As the others say there is nothing to be ashamed about having a cry...whether with mates or on your own, just do what comes naturally to you.

**tigertim20** · 8th April 2011, 10:42

Originally Posted by FROSTY

Hey guys I know it ain't the stuff that manly blokes talk about but I'm just not dealing with this real well.
I've buried a lot of mates over the years and usually I retreat into myself and wear the plastic smiley face facade for awhile.
I wait untill l all emotion about the person is well and truely boxed up in its own little compartment.
I guess it's called HTFU. But ya know that bites me on the ass pretty darned hard. Usuually when I least expect it.
So how do "real men" actually deal with it when a mate unexpectedly dies?

Takes more balls to cry in front of a mate than it takes to put it away. Ive been there too many times myself. cry, laugh, remember the dumb/funny/stupid shit you and that mate did, but do it with other people around. And its definitely OK to let your kids see you cry, its important for them to understand that emotions are normal, and its ok to be honest about whats going in inside your head and in your heart.
I usualy take a few days off work, and just let it hit me, while making sure I have support. If any of your 'mates' aren prepared to sit around and be there for you, they arent a mate at all. Reach out to a friend you can rely on. Youd be surprised at how much some of your friends will step up if youre honest about it all.