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Thread: Oxygen thieves...

  1. #1
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    Oxygen thieves...

    Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
    To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
    Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
    For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
    He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
    So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

    The next day someone stole it!





    I stopped at Mc Donald’s and ordered some fries.
    The girl behind the counter said “would you like some fries with that?”




    While looking at a house, my brother asked the
    estate agent which direction was north because
    he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
    She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
    My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
    and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
    'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'


    My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
    when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
    sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
    She drove down in a convertible, but said
    she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
    because the car was moving'.



    My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
    which is designed to cut through a seat belt
    if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.



    I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
    My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
    out every time she turns her head!"
    I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
    remain the same distance apart no
    matter which way the head is turned...



    I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
    The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
    because she was a trained professional and
    said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
    'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
    (I work with professionals like this.)



    A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

    You can't fix stupid.
    . “No pleasure is worth giving up for two more years in a rest home.” Kingsley Amis

  2. #2
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    Brilliant.......ear/chain...fridge...north/sun very funny indeed...but

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    that made my Wednesday
    Science Is But An Organized System Of Ignorance
    "Pornography: The thing with billions of views that nobody watches" - WhiteManBehindADesk

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scuba_Steve View Post
    that made my Wednesday
    Its Wednesday???
    It's all Shits and Giggles until someone Giggles and Shits


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    If you can make it on Kiwibiker you can make it anywhere.

  6. #6
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    OK. So you thought they were dumb? This is the best one of the lot - from the same email but I didn't include it because of the size of the post. But here it is in all its glory...


    NEW YORK - resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family
    When she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance
    On the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'

    Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question
    And proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use
    Of lifelines ever.' After being introduced to the show's host
    Meredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question.

    The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'

    A) A Peanut
    B) An Elephant
    C) The Moon
    D) Hey, who you calling large?

    Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did not
    Readily know the answer. 'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans,
    As Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief.
    'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before,
    But I have no idea how large they would be.'

    Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50.
    Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was
    Bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly
    Easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

    'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans...
    'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
    Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend
    Betsy, who is an office assistant.

    'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans,
    Wasting the first seven seconds of her call.
    'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest?
    B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds Hun.'
    Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon.
    Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
    'Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'

    To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's
    Advice. 'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright.
    So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.

    Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of
    Answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines,
    Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
    'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the
    Too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with
    Your gut. So, let's see... I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'

    Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath -

    And was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon..'
    . “No pleasure is worth giving up for two more years in a rest home.” Kingsley Amis

  7. #7
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    Measure once, cut twice. Practice makes perfect.

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    Quote Originally Posted by pzkpfw View Post
    The others are probably just as dubious...but sometimes the suspension of reality is quite therapeutic.
    . “No pleasure is worth giving up for two more years in a rest home.” Kingsley Amis

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    The Millionaire question....
    only 98% voted for the moon being larger than an elephant?...
    Were the other 2% her family?

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maha View Post
    The Millionaire question....
    only 98% voted for the moon being larger than an elephant?...
    Were the other 2% her family?
    . “No pleasure is worth giving up for two more years in a rest home.” Kingsley Amis

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by pzkpfw View Post
    There's always someone who wants to spoil it for everyone else.

    It's called 'Jokes and Humour' and not the 'Documentary' section.

    :FFS:

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by YellowDog View Post
    There's always someone who wants to spoil it for everyone else.

    It's called 'Jokes and Humour' and not the 'Documentary' section.

    :FFS:
    It can be quite funny pointing out that the "true" stories are invariably anything but. Where's your sense of humour...?
    Can I believe the magic of your size... (The Shirelles)

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    Click image for larger version. 

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    cant argue with stupid

    Stephen
    "Look, Madame, where we live, look how we live ... look at the life we have...The Republic has forgotten us."

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by YellowDog View Post
    There's always someone who wants to spoil it for everyone else.

    It's called 'Jokes and Humour' and not the 'Documentary' section.

    :FFS:
    Rubbish. A joke is a joke. A funny story that claims to be about a real event, that isn't actually a real event at all is just misinformation.


    (A funny story about something that actually happened, is still funny, of course.)
    Measure once, cut twice. Practice makes perfect.

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by YellowDog View Post
    There's always someone who wants to spoil it for everyone else.

    It's called 'Jokes and Humour' and not the 'Documentary' section.


    Build a bridge.

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