go on. call helpdesk

[pyrocam]

Sorry its getting late the Defensive driving course was more boring than I realised and didn't mean to edit previous posting :slap:

i just thort it funny sending an email saying my email doesn't work

second problem (written jobsheet)
Fault description: Computer doesn't go, nothing on screen.

Fix: move Icon to middle of screen.
Icon had been shifted to right hand bottom of screen and slightly obscured by task bar, wasn't where she had used it yesterday. Only one app, only 1 icon other than recycle bin.
"I didn't move it there, who moved it there" was her comment.

"Computer doesn't go" has many meanings.

Another time: user saying machine wont go, turn it on light comes on only thing on screen is no signal input then it dissappears.
I was going that way so I thort in check it out, she was turning monitor on and not the computer.

10 cls
20 Goto Bed
30 new

c:\>copy con autoexec.bat
@echo off
10
echo Your computer is broken
sleep 1
goto 10
^Z

[Wolf]

...but it missed a few:

If a we are struggling across the site with a 60kg laser printer in our hands, stop us with the words "Now that I've caught you" and tell us about how a week ago the system seemed slow. Moving equipment is boring and we welcome the distraction.

The best time and place to find technical support is around 10pm in the staff room. We can solve your problems by remote whilst drinking our coffee and eating the breakfast we skipped.

When we turn up to fix a problem that was accidentally logged in advance, don't forget to say "while you are here..." and tell us about all the problems you have been experiencing for the last month but couldn't get fixed because you hadn't seen us.

Losers log calls in advance. Don't do it! The proper time to make a request is when the technician is repairing someone else's machine in the same building.

Likewise, the proper time to notify us of a new login account being required is three weeks after the person has started work. Tell us what access rights they urgently need a week after that.

Do not identify yourself over the phone, we know the voice patterns of all 2000 employees by heart.

If you by chance don't get the same technician as you spoke to three days ago, do not panic, just talk to the one you do get as if it were the same person, all IT technicians are part of the Borg Collective and share thought processes - what one knows, all others know. All contractors that turn up from an external company download their memory to the local IT staff before leaving so we know what they did as well.

The words "I spoke to someone there three days ago" instantly unlock our memories and we can instantly identify who you are and what it was you phoned about, there is no need for you to remember such trivial details.

If supplying further information for an existing Work Order, do not quote the work order number when sending it - our Work Order count is low and the management don't think we're doing anything so it benefits us to create a second work order for the same job.

If you are experiencing problems, get your manager and your secretary to send separate emailled requests to get it fixed then phone us yourself. Multiple Work Orders for the same job make us work faster and it looks good for our job completion statistics when we finally discover that the job had already been completed by the technician we sent to fix your co-worker's printer.

If multiple people use the same computer/printer/network link, get them all to send in separate requests so we appreciate how many people are disadvantaged and respond with fitting urgency.

Urgent creation of staff accounts must be requested at 4:59pm on a Friday, we all hate our families and welcome the excuse not to go home to them - you'll save us the hassle of inventing excuses to stick around work.

[Wolf]

...but it missed a few:

oops, so did I:

If you cannot log in, do not panic, call us thirty minutes later from your mobile phone whilst driving to the airport - we know what you mean by "I just can't get in" and your computer will be working perfectly when you get back from your business trip.

[raster]

...but it missed a few:

If you by chance don't get the same technician as you spoke to three days ago, do not panic, just talk to the one you do get as if it were the same person, all IT technicians are part of the Borg Collective and share thought processes - what one knows, all others know. All contractors that turn up from an external company download their memory to the local IT staff before leaving so we know what they did as well.

Don't you have instant Borg Collective upload facility?
Upgrade provided by Vodacom.

[Drunken Monkey]

... Makes dealing with pibkac problems ( problem is between keyboard and computer ) seem not such a bad option

I think you mean PEBKAC - problem exists between keyboard and chair.

I would suggest PIBKAC is a simple cabling fault.

[Wolf]

I think you mean PEBKAC - problem exists between keyboard and chair.

I would suggest PIBKAC is a simple cabling fault.

Chair-to-keyboard interface error or, as Illiad puts it in Userfriendly:

user=ID10T

[raster]

Equates to IO error in the user interface.

[pyrocam]

Equates to IO error in the user interface.

Ahh the good old userfriendly.
good times good times.

I used to do a circuit going
megatokyo - penny arcade - user freindly
every day, since I had alot of time I would start at the begining of the archives and work my way through.
I got up to date with about 5 different webcomics while I was working *at an undisclosed location deep in the heart of albany* which was an intensive process.

now I just KB

[Wolf]

Don't you have instant Borg Collective upload facility?
Upgrade provided by Vodacom.

Only "In-house" - external contractors have to upload to us at the end of their visit. Something to do with different telcos and billing... (and the fact that we're still on RS232C because our tight arse bosses won't spring for USB)

[raster]

Only "In-house" - external contractors have to upload to us at the end of their visit. Something to do with different telcos and billing... (and the fact that we're still on RS232C because our tight arse bosses won't spring for USB)

Wot, we use mobile wireless, fits in the tiny gap just behind the left ear.

[pyrocam]

hey guys.
can someone please 334522 me the 552325 so I can 224515 into a 55622 to fix the 232355 on 333677

[pyrocam]

remote admin'd onto a pc today.

lol at what I found:

[SpeedyGirl]

Sales Co-ordinator Survival Guide


Before work ensure you have taken St Johns Wort to calm stress, or Berocca to alleviate hangover whichever is more appropriate.

Arrive at work - Pick up mug that Someone has left downstairs

Go to make yourself coffee – find that non Sales Co-ordinator is opening dishwasher, dishwasher is full, non Sales Co-ordinator says ‘Oh’ closes dishwasher, uses teaspoon from coffee, stirs drink, puts teaspoon in sink and walks off.

Empty dishwasher.

Open fridge to make yourself a coffee, find there is no milk. Get milk.

If you are in charge of ordering tea/coffee you are expected to realise telepathically when there is none left, and when we do run out, you will be expect to magic some out of thin air. The requestor may even stand next to you for some time after telling you there is none left – you may need to lead them back to their desk.

You must attend team days even though all items covered very little to do with your job – remember you are part of the team. V. important.

Arrive at team day. Carry whiteboard markers, datashow, various workbooks, photocopies, prizes, and chocolates from car to venue. Everyone else can just turn up with a pen and paper. PS Remember to bring spare pen and paper for those who forget.

Make sure adequate food and beverages available at team day. If not adequate or incorrect timing of coffee arrival be prepared to answer the question why.

Your desk is a place for stuff other people don’t know what to do with.

Being told that the urinal in the men’s toilet is blocked again should bring you joy – please smile when you are told this.

Being told that the office is too hot or too cold should also bring you joy – please smile and tell the complainant that the appropriate action will be taken.

Phone air-conditioning company. Sigh and say that you understand they came out 10 minutes ago but would they mind coming out again now as the temperature has moved slightly.

If you sit near the fax, you’re an expert. If you sit near the printer, you’re an expert. If there is no paper, you’re a packhorse. Hey, we probably need the exercise, right?

Lose Manager at least once daily. Correct answer to anyone who asks “he’s in a meeting”. Honest answer “He left, he hasn’t come back yet, I’ve no idea as there is nothing in his diary”.





Remember that the glass isn’t half empty, it’s half full, and it probably needs emptying and someone would appreciate it ending up in the dishwasher if you wouldn’t mind…..