Ramius' Joke of the Day...

[Ramius]

20 ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point
a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they
answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical
sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock
Hard.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot,
yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going
to have to let one of you go."

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......
20. Send this e-mail to someone to make them smile... it's
called..... therapy.

[feistyredhead]

now this guy is good! and i thought i would offend people with my jokes!

[Ramius]

Classic books for children.

[Ramius]

When you're too old to be a biker chick!

[Ramius]

A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K
stands for Kill.

L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

[Eurodave]

Why did the guy finger the menstruating Gypsy girl ?










Cause he wanted to get his palm read for free!!

[MSTRS:Me]

An Aucklander parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off. More than a little distraught, the Aucklander grabs his mobile and calls the cops.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the Aucklander starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche,My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the Aucklander finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Aucklanders are," he says."You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the Aucklander.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you."
The Aucklander looks down in absolute horror. "F***ing hell!" he screams. "Where's my Rolex?"

[Ramius]

Because I Am A Man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a
wire long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another
man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix
these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't,
know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never
get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
"cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never,
under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice)

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as
much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex, motorbikes, or rugby. I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't
need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the
rest.

This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.

[placidfemme]

Because I Am A Man

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't
need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

ditto....or your father for that matter........

[vifferman]

Because I Am A Man

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex, cars, or football. I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't ask.

NO.
Sex, bikes, or sex.
Cars are mostly pretty boring, except the ones I can't afford.
Football is for ....... [fill in the blank]

[scumdog]

__________________________________________________ _


Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to
show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather
perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock", the man replied.

"How does it work?", asked the guest.
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow
with
an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall
screamed, "For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!

Top marks for that joke, pissed myself!!!

[vifferman]

Top marks for that joke, pissed myself!!!

Yeah. Even though I'd read it before, I still laughed. It's a classic!

[Sniper]

Bloody nice

[Wolf]

"I used to be able to fix these things, but now, with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

Sounds like dad, but he did "used to be able to fix them" (I probably still have valve grinding paste under my nails as proof of this even though dad died over three years ago - we all had to put in time doing the valve grinds)

[scumdog]

When you're too old to be a biker chick!

Aaarghhh!
Hidious crime against huMANity!!
Where was the warning?
Gouge my retinas out!!!
etc, ad neausium ad infinitum.......

That was SO not funny!