Ramius' Joke of the Day...

[Ramius]

WOMEN'S CONFERENCE

At an international women's conference the topic for discussion was how to
empower women in the home.

The first speaker was the British representative. She stood up and said;
"I decided to make a stand against my husband's oppression and so I told
him that I would no longer be doing the washing. After the first day I saw
no result; after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day he
did his own washing."

The delegates applauded this brave stand for women's rights. The second
speaker was from America. She stood up and said; " I told my husband that
I was no longer prepared to cook for him as it was a form of enslavement.
After the first day I saw no result, after the second day I saw no result;
but after the third day he cooked a meal for the both of us."

Again the conference applauded.

Next came the Australian delegate. She said; "I told my husband that I
would no longer be doing the shopping. After the first day I saw nothing,
after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day I could see a
little bit out of my left eye."

[feistyredhead]

i love it and it insults the aussies...funny!

[Ramius]

To All Staff

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realise the critical importance of
being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with
co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a fuck.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This fucking shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his fucking head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Listen fuckface.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my fuck'n ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on a salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: More fucking shit to do.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Thank You,

Regards
Human Resources

[Ramius]

TODAYS BLESSING

May the fleas of a thousand Afghan camels
infest the crotch of the person
who screws up your day and
may their arms be too short to scratch

[Ramius]

Pretty self explanatory really...

[placidfemme]

To All Staff

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realise the critical importance of
being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with
co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a fuck.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This fucking shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his fucking head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Listen fuckface.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my fuck'n ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on a salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: More fucking shit to do.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Thank You,

Regards
Human Resources

haha how did you get a hold of our company records...

*swears more at work than at home*

Awesome... Rep coming your way for that one

[raster]

Well done Ramius

[Ramius]

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work daiquiri, a glass of wine on the weekend, you're even around in the holidays, or hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck
in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been
wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have
my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some
unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance
or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with
cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit
Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic
eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue
home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the
black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are
beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 minutes to get the
front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for a previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper
precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin)prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with
a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere
with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would
like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my
pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully
review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an
answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.


Thank you,

Your biggest fan


P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. No Kebab's are just not tasty enough Thank you!

4. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[Ramius]

And, on the subject of Beer, here is an ad you probably haven't seen. Or you might have, I don't know.

[Ramius]

Here is an actual article from CNN in regards to Fellatio. I had to Zip it up as I could not upload it any other way.

(AP) -- Women who perform the act of fellatio and swallow semen on a regular basis, one to two times a week, may reduce their risk of breast cancer by up to 40 percent, a North Carolina State University study found.

Doctors had never suspected a link between the act of fellatio and breast cancer, but new research being performed at North Carolina State University is starting to suggest that there could be an important link between the two.

In a study of over 15,000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio and swallowed the ejaculatory fluid, over the past ten years, the researchers found that those actually having performed the act regularly, one to two times a week, had a lower occurance of breast cancer than those who had not. There was no increased risk, however, for those who did not regularly perform.

"I think it removes the last shade of doubt that fellatio is actually a healthy act," said Dr. A.J. Kramer of Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, who was not involved in the research. "I am surprised by these findings, but am also excited that the researchers may have discovered a relatively easy way to lower the occurance of breast cancer in women."

The University researchers stressed that, though breast cancer is relatively uncommon, any steps taken to reduce the risk would be a wise decision.

"Only with regular occurance will your chances be reduced, so I encourage all women out there to make fellatio an important part of their daily routine," said Dr. Helena Shifteer, one of the researchers at the University. "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances."

The study is reported in Friday's Journal of Medical Research.

In 1991, 43,582 women died of breast cancer, as reported by the National Cancer Institute.

Dr. Len Lictepeen, deputy chief medical officer for the American Cancer Society, said women should not overlook or "play down" these findings.

"This will hopefully change women's practice and patterns, resulting in a severe drop in the future number of cases," Lictepeen said.

Sooner said the research shows no increase in the risk of breast cancer in those who are, for whatever reason, not able to fellate regularly.

"There's definitely fertile ground for more research. Many have stepped forward to volunteer for related research now in the planning stages," he said.

Almost every woman is, at some point, going to perform the act of fellatio, but it is the frequency at which this event occurs that makes the difference, say researchers. Also key seems to be the protein and enzyme count in the semen, but researchers are again waiting for more test data.

The reasearch consisted of two groups, 6,246 women ages 25 to 45 who had performed fellatio and swallowed on a regular basis over the past five to ten years, and 9,728 women who had not or did not swallow. The group of women who had performed and swallowed had a breast cancer rate of 1.9 percent and the group who had not had a breast cancer rate of 10.4 percent.

"The findings do suggest that there are other causes for breast cancer besides the absence of regular fellatio," Shafteer said. "It's a cause, not THE cause."

[MSTRS:Me]

To All Staff



Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.


Thank You,

Regards
Human Resources

Some more in the same vein -
You're a fucking loser = That was unfortunate
You're fucking paranoid = Are you from Auckland
You're a dickhead = Ahhh, so you're from Takapuna
What sort of fuckwit are you = You're new here aren't you
Fuck off arsehole = Can I help

[Ramius]

Dont ever get this drunk...

[Ramius]

An oldie, but always a goodie!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike

behind him,

"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

There's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it a

urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what

to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ... a lot quicker than a

doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the

urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis

elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will

improve in two weeks." Thank you for shopping at Woolworths.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,

Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples

from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Woolies, eager to check the results. He deposits

ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer

prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4 Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer (1st floor).

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get

better.

Thank you for shopping at Woolworths.

[Ramius]

These may offend some people.... but who really cares?!?

[Wolf]

Arrgh, MEIN EYES! That last pic... MEIN EEYYYEEES.....