Ramius' Joke of the Day...

[Wolf]

Would love to have been asked some of those - although it would probably cost me a fortune in "Contempt of Court" fines...

(Quotes in blue, my answers in black)

Q: This myasthenia gravis- does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Well, until now I had forgotten the reason I consider lawyers to be retarded. Thanks.

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

No, I sent a stunt double. Risky things these photos...

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Me. But I got better.

Q: Did he kill you?

[Totally serious] Yes.

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

About negative 600mm, give or take, in places - it was a pretty spectacular collision.

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Are we talking phyisically or mentally, here? As in: I'm mentally here right now, but you...

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Several times. Hasn't slowed me down, any.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Sorry, I don't fuck and tell...

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

No. I'm still sleeping on the couch because of that...

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

[Again, totally serious] Mine.

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

I'm not sure, the individual was wearing a T-Shirt proclaiming "The Amazing Wonko's Travelling Freak Show"...

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

No, but I can cite previous relevant experience.


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
somewhere.

Nope, sorry, can't top that one.

[Ramius]

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.

Now he's president of the United States."

[Ramius]

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

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Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

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Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

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A man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

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Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly "I
was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
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Answer phone message
"....If you want to buy m@rijuana, press the hash key...."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my
younger
brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but couldn't
find
any.
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 dollars that
he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, 'nothing doing, the steaks are too high.'
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a
strong
currant.
--------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted,"Doctor,doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
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I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a
fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak
and heat it too.
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

[Dadpole]

In response to your "harmless" prank of glueing a quarter to the floor
at the top of stairs, let me just say that my 87 year old grandmother
died as a reasult of that trick. She was about to descend the stairs
when she noticed the quarter, and as she stooped over, she lost her
balance, falling headlong down the granite stairway. (Imagine the glee
on the faces of the jr.high students who planned the trick.) As tragic
as that was, she had lived a long and happy life, and though it was a
terrible loss on our part, we felt much worse for the young lady our
grandmother fell into, who also lost her balance (as well as her grip on
the stroller which held her twin infant daughters). She helplessly
watched the stroller careen into the street, where a passing school bus
swerved to avoid it, thereby running into the electrical transformer,
whereupon everybody on the bus went up in smoke (18 in all). The baby
buggy continued into the other lane of traffic, and it was broadsided by
a trash truck, which knocked the stroller, and the two screaming
children 187 feet. The garbage truck driver, overcome by grief failed to
notice the radio tower support wires, which snapped on impact with the
truck. The resulting whiplash severed the tail of a passing Cessna,
which crashed into the local hospital, demolishing it. So, next time you
contemplate a seemingly harmless prank, just consider the possible
consequences.

[Ramius]

A young man moves into a new apartment on his own and goes to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. Whilst there, an attractive young lady came out of an apartment next to the mailboxes dressed in a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open and it became obvious that she was wearing nothing else. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.



After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said "Lets go to my apartment, I hear someone coming".



He followed her into the apartment and she closed the door and leaned against it allowing the robe to fall off. Now nude, she purred at him "What would you say is my best feature?"



Embarrassed, he finally squeaked. "It has to be your ears".



Astounded, and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears!!? Look at these boobs - full and firm and 100% natural. I work out every day. My butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that my best feature is my ears!!??"



Clearing his throat, he stammered "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming. That was me".

[v.ros`]

Sorry Ramius..

didnt wanna create another thread for this ONE picture...so am borrowing your thread for a bit.. hope ya dont mind