help/ advice

[SARGE]

hey all.. i know tis is REALLY off topic.. but i would like some advice from any parents or teachers in the group..

here is my problem.. i am a single dad of a 13 year old boy.. he is a GREAT kid.. heaps of personality, very popular, independant, good looking and bright. he is SO far behind in his schoolng though.. he is NOT dumb, just lazy.. he hangs out with mates or veg's in front of the TV instead of studying( and my work schedule is such that he does spend a couple hours a day alone.. cant be helped .

the schools he has attended are more interested in Engrish as a Second Language and helping the truly slow kids.. the bright, english speaking kids fall through the cracks.. i canot allow him to go onto college next year if he is not ready and it will break my heart to hold him back. we do spend alot of time together after work and weekends, and i do try to motivate him on learning ( museums, planetariums, zoo, etc) but he can be bothered ( i am fairly educated myself and i want him to have better opportunities than i had)


no, we dont have a Playstation for this very reason..)
how can i light his fire?..

[enigma51]

Difficult one. I dont have kids myself but have a brother that was very lazy at school. The problem was that he nothing that stimulated his intererst. I was at that stage at a technical school (teach you a trade from an early age) so my dad decided to send him there as well. Although he still scraped by from one year to the next he did end up finding something he loves and after school he ended up going to a college to get his apprenticape (the school we where at only takes you half way) then ended first in his class there and then moved to uni where he just finished at the top of his class. He is what is considered a slow learner but as soon he found something he loved nothing could stand in his way.

Now the thing is my dad always said to him that although he only wants to do what he likes live is about doing things you dont like as well and before he can do what he want to do he has to get the shitty stuff out the way. And used examples like having paper work etc

I know im not giving much help but what im trying to say is that its important for him to find out what he wants to do with his life. Take me for instance by trade im an electical engineer and I wanted to be one at 13 but as life went on I ended up doing something completly different still in the realm of what I studied but yet so far from it and I love it well at least most days

Hope this helps

[Sniper]

A large stick?

[enigma51]

A large stick?

It does help!

[MSTRS:Me]

hey all..
how can i light his fire?..

I personally think that there is way too much emphasis on 'school results' BUT unfortunately that is the system we have. The other unfortunate thing is that motivation is an inside job - some take longer to find the thing that creates the 'burn'. All I can say is you should expose your young'n to a varied range of interests, hobbies, whatever & eventually there will be one that takes his fancy. After that, he will be more likely to see the point of putting in more effort with the other stuff too. P'raps is just a maturity thing - was he always slack at school?

[Mr Skid]

Kill your television

[eliot-ness]

Sounds like a normal boy to me Sarge. It's frustrating, but all boys go through that stage between the ages of 13 and 15. Not a lot you can do about it. Keep him away from the more extreme of his mates, the obvious losers. Don't try to force education on him, he'll work his way through it and catch up. I had two sons, one very bright, who both lost the plot completely at that age. Both quit school at 15, with my permission on the proviso that they had a secure job to go to. The youngest is now general manager of a company. The other started a company from scratch, sold it for a huge amount, and is now building another company. Both have done better than I did.
My oldest grandson went through the same thing, he has a steady job and is doing ok. The next grandson is just going through it, but by now I've stopped worrying. If they have the ability they'll come right. Keep up the quality time, do things that he can be involved in, renovating a bike for him would be a good long term project to get him through it. Try to remember what you did at that age, it might come as a surprise to realise you were the same. One last thing. Don't blame the teachers. If you think one is frustrating imagine how they must feel with maybe 200 af the same age.

[vifferman]

Hey Sarge.

I have three (3) boys, and all of them (and me too) have 'suffered' at times from the malady you described - it's typical for boys, partly because school doesn't cater well for the way boys like to learn things, and isn't the ideal environment. Doesn't help that there's probably an imbalance in teacher gender now towards more female than male teachers.
There's no easy answer; he's at a tricky age, and will probably settle down over the next couple of years. And hopefully you will find something to pique his interest, or he will end up with a teacher that inspires him to push himself, or some schoolmates that he starts to compete with.
Just keep encouraging him to find out what he wants to do when he leaves school, as that will help him to become motivated. Try to be encouraging in general, rather than being on his case all the time - like say, "Have you any homework tonight?", rather than nagging him about it.
I found with #3 that he was really slack in his first and second years of college, but this year I talked to him right at the beginning of the yeat about how important this year was, and how if he stuffed it up it would affect his future prospects, and it seemed to make a difference to his attitude. The last two years he was, well, pretty lazy, and worked out it was easier to do detentions than homework, so he was on detention all the time. This year, the only detentions were the teacher stuffing up taking the roll, not him deliberately misbehaving. His results still don't reflect his abilities, but he's happier, and we're not on his case all the time and can find things to praise him about.

[inlinefour]

A large stick?

I got beaten growing up with an assortment of items, eventually it just was the old farts fist. Eventually I learnt some martial arts and knocked the old fool out cold. I don't have anything to do with the tosser now and really never want to. Find something he is into (maybe MX?) and buy it. Let him know that if hes motivated then you'll be very accomodating for him to do what ever it is when your not at work. Results = more rewards, nothing = just that, nothing. I've just brought my 5 year old a bike and sent it up to him (much to his mums disgust). However I made it quite clear that he needs to work hard at school and sports for that sort of thing to continue. He knows if he does his best then dad will get him a bigger bike as he gets older. He also know if he slacks off that dad will also take the bike back home with him. So far, it appears to be helping (touch wood).

[MSTRS:Me]

He knows if he does his best then dad will get him a bigger bike as he gets older. He also know if he slacks off that dad will also take the bike back home with him. So far, it appears to be helping (touch wood).

Bribery eh. Works a treat - if the recipient is mercenary. Most are.

[zadok]

Eliot-ness and Vifferman have made some very good comments which should be encouraging for you. My boys were in NZ with their mother when they hit that age. I found girls are ok until they discover boys!

[vifferman]

My boys were in NZ with their mother when they hit that age.

Dang.
Wish I'd thought of being in a different country to my teenagers...
Still, I'm through the worst of it now. I've had 9 years and 8 months of it; only 4 years and two months to go...

[crashe]

Sarge - I have a daughter... and she went throu the same sort of stuff... all I got was a 'uh' when she walked in the door after school....lol.
so I ended up sending her to 'coventry' for a little while she soon noticed that I wasn't speaking to her... she pulled her socks up for a while...

Keep doing what you are doing.... be there for him.. find out what he is really interested in.. and get him into a club.... and join in with what he is interested in.

Do try to keep him away from 'so called bad mates' and that can be hard.
Mind you if they all hang out at your place then you will know what they are up to....

Ask the school in their opinion whether or not he should be held back....
as this may not be the best thing for him.. as it may make him rebel against you.

When they get to high school they find another new set of mates.... and you won't know much about them..as to what they are really like.

Teenage years are the pits.... not only for them but also for us adults.
They want to be treated like adults, but they still act or want to be kids...

If he is home alone for a couple of hours after school then thats his TV time... and then homework when you are there to help him out....

BTW Girls can be so much worse than boys in their teenage years.

[inlinefour]

Bribery eh. Works a treat - if the recipient is mercenary. Most are.

I like to think of it as encouragement into motorcycling and working hard at schoold

[SARGE]

Keep him away from the more extreme of his mates, the obvious losers.

i just went in and had a meeting with the deputy principal and his teacher.. turns out that his best mate ( i have met the boy and he SEEMED like a nice enough young man) is in with some of the less desirable members of the school.. he has been to my house overnight and was very polite and all.. but if he is a wannabe banger.. i will end this relationship right fucking now.

Shelby is behind his age group in reading, i really push the "books over TV " angle with him, but as we all know ... books are boring..


i feel like a bad father right now..his real mom is back in the States, and has had fuck all contact with him in 4 years ( not even so much as a birthday card.. yes she has our addy and phone numbers.. just cant be bothered..)
i am trying to be mom and dad for him while working 2 jobs