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Thread: Blues for beginners

  1. #1
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    Blues for beginners

    Blues for Beginners
    Author: By Judith Podell





    1. Most blues begin “woke up this morning.” “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line: “ I got a good woman - with the meanest dog in town.” Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

    “Got a good woman
    with the meanest dog in town.
    He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
    and he weighs about 500 pounds.”

    2. The blues are not about limitless choice. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

    3. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

    4. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
    a. violet
    b. beige
    c. mauve

    5. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.

    6. Good places for the Blues:
    a. the highway
    b. the jailhouse
    c. the empty bed
    Bad places:
    a. Ashrams
    b. Gallery openings
    c. Weekend in the Hamptons

    7. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

    8. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if:
    a. your first name is a southern state - like Georgia
    b. you're blind
    c. you shot a man in Memphis.
    d. you can't be satisfied.
    No, if:
    a. you were once blind but now can see.
    b. you're deaf
    c. you have a trust fund.

    9. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

    10. If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
    a. wine
    b. Irish whiskey
    c. muddy water

    Blues beverages are NOT:
    a. Any mixed drink
    b. Any wine kosher for Passover
    c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

    11. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment.

    12. Some Blues names for Women
    a. Sadie
    b. Big Mama
    c. Bessie

    13. Some Blues Names for Men
    a. Joe
    b. Willie
    c. Little Willie
    d. Lightning

    Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

    13B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit) Mix and Match:

    a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
    b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
    c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
    =mjc=
    .

  2. #2
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    Nice post-my understanding is enhanced!

  3. #3
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    So this would qualify?

    When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by jim.cox View Post
    Blues for Beginners

    Bad places:
    a. Ashrams
    b. Gallery openings
    c. Weekend in the Hamptons
    Can I just add ...

    d. your scrotum

    Although I would be inclined to think that this could inspire a great Blues song too
    No body move... I dropped my brain

  5. #5
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    What does it say on the blues singer's tombstone?

    'Well I didn't wake up this morning'.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Big Dave View Post
    What does it say on the blues singer's tombstone?

    'Well I didn't wake up this morning'.

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    Jims Ducati Blues


    "Well, LTSA said to me, gimme money for the bike,
    Yeah, LTSA said to me, gimme money for ya bike
    I Looked those cunts right in the eye
    said go take a hike"
    it's not a bad thing till you throw a KLR into the mix.
    those cheap ass bitches can do anything with ductape.
    (PostalDave on ADVrider)

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by jim.cox View Post
    Other blues beverages are:


    c. muddy water
    I think that should be plural, i.e. Muddy Waters

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    Quote Originally Posted by pete376403 View Post
    Jims Ducati Blues


    "Well, LTSA said to me, gimme money for the bike,
    Yeah, LTSA said to me, gimme money for ya bike
    I Looked those cunts right in the eye
    said go take a hike"
    I wish - truth is I rolled over and whipped out the visa card
    =mjc=
    .

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    Woke up this mornin
    found a dick in ma han
    oh I WOKE UP this mornin
    found a dick in my han
    Imagine my surprise when I found out, that it belonged to another man...

    (some guy sang it at a party one night)
    I didn't think!!! I experimented!!!

  11. #11
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    When Mashy woke up this mornin'
    he was rising with the sun.
    The number of the willys
    Were his own, not some chum.
    See nobody gets that silly,
    Pulling only one.

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    The Red rooster says cocka doodle do do,
    Richland Woman says any dude will do....
    squeek squeek

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    oh yeah......

    Nine below zero, the little girl she done put me down
    Nine below zero, the little girl she done put me down
    She know I don't have nowhere to stay, and I don't have not one dime
    squeek squeek

  14. #14
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    I am proud to say I've did a guest bit playing Sweet Home Chicago at Andys in Chicago, with Rockin Johnny Burgin and The Lazy Boys.

    Mother forgot the camera
    Find out more at www.unluckyones.co.nz

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stirts View Post
    d. your scrotum

    Although I would be inclined to think that this could inspire a great Blues song too
    my scrotum........


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