The Dawn Ride - My attempt at a short story

[The Singing Chef]

I have just started writing a short story to amuse myself whilst looking for a job and have just finished Chapter 1, if you guys mind giving it a quick read and letting me know what you think, does the writing style make you want to read more? Is it too descriptive or not enough? You get the point.

Cheers.

Read the story here

[slofox]

For my taste, the language is a little ornate.

Hope you don't mind me saying so.

[The Singing Chef]

For my taste, the language is a little ornate.

Hope you don't mind me saying so.

No not at all, thank you.

[ducatilover]

Neat story

Can I have the Duke tail unit on your race bike? (assuming it's your one at the top of the page, if not, ima steal it)

[The Singing Chef]

Neat story

Can I have the Duke tail unit on your race bike? (assuming it's your one at the top of the page, if not, ima steal it)

Cheers bro, click on "follow" if you want to read the rest of it.

Haha you cheeky bastard, it's mine, all mine!

[Taz]

Hmmmm.....

[The Singing Chef]

Hmmmm.....

That was very constructive.

[Zedder]

Despite the wonderful descriptive writing, I wasn't drawn into the story. More about what the rider is feeling, and why, would be good. I think the empathy would draw a reader into the story more.

[The Singing Chef]

Despite the wonderful descriptive writing, I wasn't drawn into the story. More about what the rider is feeling, and why, would be good. I think the empathy would draw a reader into the story more.

awesome, thanks for the feedback mate.

[mashman]

I'm just waiting for the other rider to give the kiss of life and start to rub the fallen riders man bits... the story is gay and that's all that was missing. (I felt most of that crash and hate you for it, cool story though)

[Hitcher]

Overwritten to buggery. And I'm not sure where the story is taking me, so won't be a starter for future chapters.

Stories like this need to share something about the writer to give readers a sense of connection.

[Red39]

I'm just waiting for the other rider to give the kiss of life and start to rub the fallen riders man bits... the story is gay and that's all that was missing. (I felt most of that crash and hate you for it, cool story though)

Hey Chefie, agree with Slofox - language is quite ornate and overly descriptive - but entertaining . I suggest you add more of the man love for Mashman - he can't get enough of the stuff.

[mashman]

Hey Chefie, agree with Slofox - language is quite ornate and overly descriptive - but entertaining . I suggest you add more of the man love for Mashman - he can't get enough of the stuff.

Oi, that was a secret...

[Hellzie]

Swap some words around, and that would make an awesome porn novel.

[Winston001]

Overwritten to buggery. And I'm not sure where the story is taking me, so won't be a starter for future chapters.

Stories like this need to share something about the writer to give readers a sense of connection.

Good on you Chef, writing takes thought and introspection.

I have to agree with Hitcher but don't be discouraged. You are writing as a biker instead of for a reader. There is a big difference. More focus on the rider and less on the bike. Style is important but only comes through experimentation. For example, an orb of fire does not warm, it burns.

I thought the mystery bike was going to turn out to be your guardian angel ghost rider, saving your protagonist from an unexpected sharp corner. That would work better.

I'll give it an edit if I get a moment.