-MAN KILLS SELF BEFORE SHOOTING WIFE AND DAUGHTER
If nothing else, he was talented.

-PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD
Surprisingly, this is a common cause of plane crashes.

-SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS
No, really? Ya think?

-DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
Sounds uncomfortable.

-POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
Now that's taking things a bit far!

-PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
Let's hope he can do it!

-SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
I'm pretty sure there's a law against that.

-MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

-JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
If all else fails...

-WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
I can see where it might have that effect!

-TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
Probably shouldn't have been standing there.

-IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE
Ya think?!

-NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION FROM LOVED ONE
Sharing is caring.

-COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
Who would have thought!

-END TO FREE SCHOOL LOOMS
Long past due in my opinion.

-EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
Poor vision blamed.

-ENFIELD (LONDON) COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
They may be on to something!

-BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS
How dare they!?

-REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD
That’s how politics works isn't it?

-RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma's new construction program!

-SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
Well it's not something you should rush. First time should be special right?

-MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING: FACES BATTERY CHARGE
He probably IS the battery charge

-PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
He is human after all.

-KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS
Are they going to dig him up...?

-NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP
Weren't they fat enough?!

-IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
Can't be greedy about these things.

-ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

-FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE
Poor Bill.

-TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES
Poor little ship.

-KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS
Do they taste like chicken?

-SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS
Old habits die hard I guess.

-LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

-SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED
A bit harsh maybe...

-HOSPITAL SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS
Boy, are they tall!

-STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
I didn’t even realise the tree was looking.

-LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS
Can you still eat them...?

-TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD
Did I read that right?

-SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66
Where do I get one??