One for Hitcher...

[Waylander]

The English language...

If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak
fluent English, you must be a genius!? This little treatise on the
lovely language we share is only for the brave.? Peruse at your
leisure,
English lovers. Reasons why the English language is
so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or
French fries in France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while
sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers
write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't
ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy
that you can make amends but not one amend.


If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it? Is it
an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do
people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send
cargo by ship??

Have noses that run and feet that smell?? How can a slim chance and
a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are
opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it
out,
and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

[Wolf]

And both "flammable" and "inflammable" are synonyms while "articulate" and "inarticulate" are antonyms.

This stick, sir, will you break?
And soon the stick he broke.

This coat, sir, will you make?
And soon the coat was moke?

This horse, sir, will you shoe?
And soon the horse was shod.

This deed, sir, will you do?
And soon the deed was dod?

[hXc]

Nice one guys. Bit of a laugh.
Might go down two the steakhouse four a peace of stake and sum chips.
Why is it that thought, though and tough all have the same letters but none of them sound the same!!!

[Eurodave]

Why is 'phonetics' spelt with a 'ph'' & not an 'f'????

[onearmedbandit]

Why is 'phonetics' spelt with a 'ph'' & not an 'f'????

Best of them all. Sums it up quite nicely.

[Phurrball]

Indeed it would seem that English is one of the more bastardised languages out there.

A great spring-board to learn another language from, but I pity those 'expected' to learn English merely because it has become a de facto international Lingua franca. [I rest my case about the origins of English...]

Why should it be that way around; why do native English speakers seem to be reluctant when it comes to learning/using [an]other language[s]?

The written form of the language has a lot to answer for looking at the examples provided...perhaps George Bernard Shaw had a point in striving for a 42 letter phonemic alphabet?

My humble musings anyway...I'm only an interested amateur...

Funny, though, how we interpret what's on the page [Apologies if you've seen this one before...]

"Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist
and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. ceehiro
That'll fcuk the splelchekcer"

Perhaps nature makes the best case for simplicity: a 4 letter alphabet of ACG and T.

[Wolf]

perhaps George Bernard Shaw had a point in striving for a 42 letter phonemic alphabet?

As much as I love the English language's foibles and am a stickler for NZ spelling over US spelling, I am all for a 42-letter phonemic alphabet and truly phonetic (fonetik?) spelling - not the half-arsed version the Americans use (sorry, but spelling all ise/ize words as "-ize" and dropping the u out of a large number of words does not constitute "simplified spelling, no matter what Webster claimed.)

At 2 years old, my oldest son could recite the alphabet, he now also knows it in sign. I'm not bragging, I'm pointing out how simple the 26 letters of our alphabet are to learn - now what would be harder: learning how to spell the multitude of weird English words or learning another 16 letters in the aim of a phonetic alphabet?

German, French, Maori and even Welsh are phonetic - once you learn how the letters are pronounced.

If we shifted to a phonetic alphabet, America and Britain would each have several written dialects, Aus would have a couple and we'd be different - spelling would depend on how the locals pronounce the words - but we'd all be able to understand it and (when sounding out the words in our heads) hear their accent.

Either that or we adopt a standardised spelling (and therefore pronunciation) across the entire "English speaking" world - which means the Americans would finally have to learn to speak properly

[Sniper]

Oh God, I can see this going on for a while. Well done WL

Sniper

[Sniper]

And my one!!!!!!!!!! Hahahaha

One fine day in the middle of the night
Two dead men got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other

Hahaha

Sorry, Im in that mood

[Waylander]

Oh God, I can see this going on for a while. Well done WL

Sniper

Lol you know, all that is alot crazier to read drunk? Some of it is making sense though so it might be time to put the JD in the freezer for another night...

BTW Wolf, you could look at it this way; the alphebet as it is aswell as the entire "english" language is hard enough as it is but atleast when a drunk is talking to you, you can understand what he is saying once you get past the slur. If you start adding other letters and such then you probably wouldn't be able to understand what I am typing right now let alone what it would be like if I were talking. think on that.

[Beemer]

Did you know that the combination 'ough' can be pronounced in nine different ways?

The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

My surname contains the 'ough' and in this instance it is pronouced 'ock' - makes for some interesting pronunciations! I have been made to sound Indian and Samoan...

[hXc]

What about lisp?? You wouldn't want to go into a vodafone shop and have to ask for a Sony Ericson if you had a lisp. I think it is the cruelist word in the English language as people with one can't even say it!

[Wolf]

Did you know that the combination 'ough' can be pronounced in nine different ways?

The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

My surname contains the 'ough' and in this instance it is pronouced 'ock' - makes for some interesting pronunciations! I have been made to sound Indian and Samoan...

Thanks Beemer, I keep forgetting two of the pronunciations and come up with seven.

Then there're words that are pronounced the same but spelled differently. If we can successfully comprehend, when listening, the distinction between the bough of a tree, the bow of a boat and taking a bow (two spellings, three meanings), then I'm sure we could cope with a fonetik riten langwij.

[Wolf]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru and ve vil al be using German lik vas originali sugested.

[MSTRS:Me]

Thanks Beemer, I keep forgetting two of the pronunciations and come up with seven.

Then there're words that are pronounced the same but spelled differently. If we can successfully comprehend, when listening, the distinction between the bough of a tree, the bow of a boat and taking a bow (two spellings, three meanings), then I'm sure we could cope with a fonetik riten langwij.

Just to be a bastard - you forget the 'e' softens the 'i' unless the consonant between them is doubled. Hence 'ritten' would be correct