No no - don't thank me...

[MSTRS:Me]

THE 5 QUESTIONS MOST FEARED BY MEN

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every single one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (ie. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.

QUESTION #1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you". This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
A. Football.
B. Golf.
C. How fat you are.
D. How much prettier she is than you
E. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

QUESTION #2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order "Yes, dear". Inappropriate responses include:
A. Oh yeah, shit loads!
B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
C. That depends on what you mean by love.
D. Does it matter?
E. Who, me?

QUESTION #3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
A. Compared to what?
B. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
C. A little extra weight looks good on you.
D. I've seen fatter.
E. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

QUESTION #4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
A. Yes, but you have a better personality
B. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
C. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
D. Define pretty
E. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

QUESTION #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a BMW car and a Boat").

[Akzle]

why the fuck would you buy a BMW.

or a car, for that matter...


nearly hometime eh, watch the clock...

[Subike]

1. What are you thinking about?........How good you are in bed
2. Do you love me?..........why would you think otherwise
3. Do I look fat in this?.....you make everything your wear look good
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?......I thought she was a transvestite,
5. What would you do if I died?.......learn how to cook .clean, and make the bed

[MIXONE]

No. 3 is definately the time that you don't reply with the customary "Yes Dear".

[Edbear]

No. 3 is definately the time that you don't reply with the customary "Yes Dear".

Humph! Take all the fun out of it...

[blackdog]

She looked in the mirror and said 'I look fat and ugly in this dress, say something nice about me'.

Apparently 'There's nothing wrong with your eyesight' wasn't the expected response.