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Thread: a letter to the bank about a bounced check

  1. #1
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    25th August 2004 - 21:45
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    Talking a letter to the bank about a bounced check

    A LETTER TO BANK ABOUT A BOUNCED CHECK

    Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the United States. The Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to circulate it and so do we.

    Dear Sir:

    I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds musthave elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, and arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

    You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.

    No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank.? I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised of the following changes:

    I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

    My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate.

    You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

    Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

    In due course I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

    As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.

    My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service:

    Press buttons as follows:
    1. To make an appointment to see me.
    2. To query a missing payment.
    3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
    4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
    5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
    6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
    7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. The password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized? Contact.
    8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
    9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

    While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for."

    On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me.

    Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.

    My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

    Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

    May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

    Your Humble Client,
    (Name Withheld)
    Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even.
    Muhammad Ali

  2. #2
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    26th February 2004 - 12:00
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    I have to cheque and see if this works with my bank...

    who am I kidding, like most people im too apathetic to change, no matter how much they screw me.
    ...and I don't wanna die, just want to ride my motorcy...cle (Arlo Guthrie)

  3. #3
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    Bit of the old "how do you like them apples?"
    "Not one day that we are here on this earth has been promised to us, so make the most of every day as if it was your last, and every breath ,as if it were the same"

  4. #4
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    I had taken crap from the National Bank for years and had to put up with it because I had no money and therefore no choice. A few years ago I was left some money and I took great delight in paying off my personal loan and VISA and closing my account, and even greater delight in saying why I was taking my business elsewhere.

    Mind you, most banks are the same, they are happy to take your money but if you owe them five cents, they will hunt you down and kill you for it!
    Yes, I am pedantic about spelling and grammar so get used to it!

  5. #5
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    8th November 2004 - 11:00
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    Very good. Reminded me of this one...


    In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston, Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.

    In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following
    month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.

    The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the
    troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account
    it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first
    store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.

    The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
    Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the
    company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

    The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay
    his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

    Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game
    and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

    A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

    The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

    The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her
    birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
    Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by MSTRS
    Very good. Reminded me of this one...


    In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston, Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.

    In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following
    month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.

    The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the
    troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account
    it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first
    store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.

    The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
    Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the
    company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

    The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay
    his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

    Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game
    and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

    A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

    The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

    The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her
    birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

    This sounds like Amex.
    Speed doesn't kill people.
    Stupidity kills people.

  7. #7
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    25th October 2002 - 17:30
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    LMFAO!! Thanks guys.

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