jokes

**texmo** · 30th August 2005, 16:41

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband - "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"NO, I didn't-it's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark: "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing" the drunk replies.

**texmo** · 30th August 2005, 16:45

Two Women waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first woman asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get the shakes and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first woman. "You see, I KNEW my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second woman shakes her head. "That's so ironic," she says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first woman.

"If you had ONLY stopped to LOOK in the FREEZER, we'd BOTH STILL BE ALIVE!"

**texmo** · 30th August 2005, 16:47

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the Cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk. "When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

**texmo** · 30th August 2005, 16:49

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding.

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too.

**texmo** · 30th August 2005, 16:52

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fugifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a beautiful 340 yard shot and just 50 yards from the pin. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fugifoo".

The Japanese clients looked confused and said "What are you talking about, that's the right hole."

**Wolf** · 30th August 2005, 16:53

Three guys arrive at the Pearly Gates and St Peter asks them in turn how they died.

The first says, "I was sure my wife was cheating on me so instead of going to work I wandered around the block, came in the back of the apartment block, sneaked up the stairs and entered the apartment. My wife was naked on the kitchen table but there was no one with her so I looked out the window and saw a man running from the apartment block pulling on his coat. I wanted to throw something at him but the only thing I could find was the refridgerator so I heaved it up and threw it out the window. That caused me to have a heart attack and die."

The second says, "I was running late for work so I was running from the apartment building I live in still struggling into my jacket when suddenly a refrigerator fell on me and killed me."

The third says, "I was just minding my own business, hiding in a refrigerator..."

**hXc** · 30th August 2005, 16:55

That's an oldie...

WARNING: Very politcally incorrect and racist post about to start...

*A Maori guy goes into a bar and asks the barman, "Where do all the bro's hang?"
The barman replies with, "In the tree out back."

*What's the difference between a Maori and a Bucket Of Shit?
The bucket.

*A Spanish bloke walks into a bar and discovers a Maori behind the counter. He asks, "Hey nigger! Get me a beer!"
The Maori says, "Excuse me but I don't appreciate being talked to like that. Why don't you go outside, come back in and ask nicely."
So the Spanish guy walks outside, comes back in and asks, "Hey blackman! Get me a martini!"
The Maori says back to him, "Didn't I just tell you to come back in and ask nicely? Now go outside and come back in again and ask me with respect."
The Spanish walks outside and comes back in and asks, "Oi dickhead! Get me a beer!" The Maori says back to him, "How about you get behind the bar and I come in and ask you for a beer?"
So the Maori goes outside and comes back in and asks, "Can I get a beer please?"

The Spanish replies with, "Sorry, we don't serve niggers here."

Call me an Un-PC, racist bastard and give me shit but I don't care...

**hXc** · 30th August 2005, 17:06

*What's the difference between a pimple and a pedifile(sp?)
Pimples start to come on your face at about 12.

*Why did the boy fall off his bike?
He had no arms.

Why did the boy fall off his bike?
He had no legs.

Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Someone threw a brick at him.

*How do you get a one-armed Irishman out of a tree?
Wave.

*What do you call two gay Irishmen?
Sean Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzsean.

**texmo** · 30th August 2005, 17:17

Whats small red goes round and round then explodes?

A babby in a microwave.

**hXc** · 30th August 2005, 17:32

Originally Posted by texmo

Whats small red goes round and round then explodes?

A babby in a microwave.

Just a warning about the baby jokes...Speedmedic doesn't like them. I found out the hard way. Damn red bling!

**hXc** · 31st August 2005, 08:06

*I once found a Maori in our family tree.

He's still hanging there.

*Locals have found a man described as a darky hanging in a tree with a rope around his neck and 7 stab wounds to various parts of his body.

Police have said, "It's the worst case of suicide I've seen in a long time."

**BNZ** · 1st September 2005, 11:44

Originally Posted by XhardxcoreX

Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Someone threw a brick at him.

You missed a few...

Why did the plane crash?
Its pilot was a tomato.

Why couldn't they boy walk through the door?
He had a javelin through his head.